I've been thinking about chest surgery more and more lately. Disphoria is strange with me. I don't generally have it. Except if I'm wearing a shirt but not a binder. I hate the way that looks/feels. Completely naked, I'm pretty okay with my body. And while I don't like having to wear a binder, I've become very used to it and it's not an issue.

I've been seeing that a lot of guys (trans and cis) do have concave chests of various depths, so I guess it wouldn't be so very weird.

I just need money I guess.

I shaved. It was weird to see my facial hair without the aid of a mirror. And I felt that for the holiday, wherever I end up, I should look presentable.

I think it may have been good for my acne to not shave for so long. The stubble prevented me from picking at my face as constantly as usual.

three weeks without shaving. sort of gross and pitiful.

I took a bad phone photo of my two weeks of no shaving. Forgot to take a good one, and forgot to post this Monday.

I feel entitled to these sparse hairs sprouting from my chin. They are an affirmation, a confirmation of transformation. I realize that no-shave November is more of a college thing, but I was unable to fully participate back then. And last year it was unbearably pitiful, having only been on testosterone for six months prior. It is still a bit comical, to be sure, and I don't know that I'll last the whole month, but I do have dark hairs in every place a beard and mustache should be. But they are sparse and I previously mentioned, showing mostly just a shadow and not full Aragorn-stubble which is my goal.

I'm going to attempt no-shave November. I've just shaved and we'll see how far I get before my uneven stubble annoys me too much. Or I go see my family for Thanksgiving...

I'm not abandoning this, but I am going to shift focus to my writing blog at least for the month of November.

www.agentrusco.blogspot.com

(I'd link it, but blogger keeps breaking.)

I'm a bit of a baby. Never had uti before, so I went to urgent care to take care of it. I don't like bleeding from down there. Not one bit. Anyhow, I was nervous to go to not-my-doctor, but the nurse was fantastic. For gender on the form I put ftm because it's medical and that's the most true. So he had to double check for insurance and I told him I'm still female on that. He was really cool and professional the whole time. It really wasn't an issue at all. This is how it should be. Always. Especially when the thing someone comes in for has nothing to do with gender or even sex. So that was cool. Not looking forward to the bill I'm going to get from my insurance though, because I have a high deductible, so I have to pay for it all eventually.

Being ill really sucks. I couldn't make it though work today, and I cannot afford to miss more, so this antibiotic had better kick in soon.

I am going to work on getting my passport updated and renewed. It's quite the process. I need a letter, a very specific letter from my doctor stating that I'm medically male. She doesn't have to disclose anything at all, just state that. I have to fill out the renewal form. Get a photo. Bring my name change paperwork. Supply my old passport. Pay $110 and wait for a couple of months. It's the money that's the biggest issue. Hopefully I can call my doctor's office and get her to write the letter and get things rolling by next month.

I need to get out of the country as soon as I have some money. Now that my car is payed off, I can save again and it's slowly building back up.

Also, I love Autumn. I wish this weather was year-round. I love wearing a jacket in the morning and evening, and shirt-sleeves in the middle of the day. I love the chilly breezes and the crisp air. I love the smell of the trees and the color of the leaves. And the crunchiness too.

Where can I move that is always Autumn?

I just had a thought. It's been over a year since I've menstruated. It was something that was so constant in my life for over 10 years. And now, only occasional cramps remind me that I've don't miss it one bit.

Since I had to wait for 2 weeks for my shot, my mood has been a bit funky. Something very off emotionally. Working it out though. Thinking I should perhaps see my therapist again soon.

I did my shot yesterday, 1.25 cc. Hopefully that will lower m y levels back to a normal range and keep me from flutuating so much.

I'm enjoying my steadily building strength. I can now do 8 chin-ups in a row and 3 pull-ups behind my head. I can carry two 50lb bags of litter with ease. It's fantastic. Now just to do some cardio and watch my eating so I can get rid of this gut.

My doctor's office told me that my T levels are too high. So I have to go back to injections every two weeks. It's a slightly higher dose than before, so I shouldn't have the fluctuation effects, but it should lower the levels. Hope it works.

Shot today. Left leg. Messed up the first one. Had to stab twice. I don't know what's up with that. I don't like it.

I updated my youtube.

I did much better with my shot this time. Just didn't allow myself to overthink it. I've been having the problem of overthinking a lot of things lately. I used to do it all the time pre-T and it's sort of resurfacing now. All will be well though, I'm sure.

I guess it's been a long time since last I updated. I went on a nice long camping/road trip with my boyfriend over the holiday weekend. It was more than fantastic. I didn't shave for almost two weeks. It got a bit gross actually. And my acne has been acting up. I don't know if it's due to candy consumption or something else.

I've been having increasing difficulty giving myself my shot. It's strange. When I first began, it was no big deal. I would hesitate for a few seconds then jab myself. Now I wait and sweat for a few minutes. It's annoying. I don't know why, but I seem to be steadily gaining a fear of needles or something.

There are some new people at work which is a very good thing. However, one (rather annoying one) asked me if I was legal. I assured her that I was several years older than her. But it irked me. I don't know which age she thought I hadn't reached yet, 18 or 21, but regardless, I'm tired of not looking my age.

Someday.

It's interesting to see how much I've grown in the past year or so. I got a shirt at Pride last June, it was a free one, thrown into the crowd from the parade. It's a medium and was too big for me. Well, now it's almost too small. It actually fits quite well now. It's a bit short, showing a lot of stomach (hair) when I raise my arms. And many of my favorite t-shirts are now too small. I grew out of the button ups quite early on, them not being stretchable and all, but now I cannot fit into many of my small Ts. You can see my binder through them and the bulge of flab where my chest is moves toward my armpits. It's unfortunate. I wonder how my long sleeved ones will fit this winter?

Hiked Bierstadt, and 14,000 foot peak. The first 14er I've made it to the top of, and I've attempted four others. It was quite amazing what my testosterone infused body can do. Sure, I was out of breath in the altitude, but the climb itself was not very hard at all. And it didn't wipe me out completely like big hikes usually do. A very good day.

Injection, left leg. For some reason it was really hard this time. I balked for a good 5 minutes. Strange how that happens.

I need to make an appointment for sometime in the next month or so. I need to make sure it's right in the middle of my injection cycle so all the levels can be properly checked.

I haven't posted in some time. Nothing much to report. I wasn't late on my last shot. I need a new vial. I've been eating salads regularly. They make me feel a bit more healthy even if I put cheese and ranch dressing on them.

Shot (a day late again). Left leg.

I went ten days without shaving.

No car today. No seeing Dad, and no shave. Hopefully he'll be able to come up on Wednesday and make the exchange.

It is so very hot. I want Autumn.

So... I found that ass hair people talk about....

My dad is coming to Denver on Friday to trade out vehicles with me. He helped me find a new Pathfinder. Well, newer. It has four doors and runs. That's exciting. Now I'll be in debt to him as well.

I think I should shave before he comes. Not because I don't want him to see that I have stubble, but because I'm ashamed of how measly my stubble is. If it were full, I'd have no problem.

I hate the heat. It causes all sorts of irritations when coupled with my new level of sweatyness.

New Goals

1. eat fruits and/or vegetable at least once daily. green is good.
2. stand and sit up straight.
3. eat only one serving of sweets per day.


Simple. I can do this and feel so much better about myself. I've been feeling so icky lately.

Also: something I noticed today, my left sideburn is actually coming in quite nicely. I mean, it's wispy, but is is darkening. I don't shave them as often as the rest of my face, and I can finally tell. I may stop shaving my face for awhile. Last time I got very bad razor burn. It does get all prickly and itchy after about a week though. We'll see how long I last.

I was supposed to give myself my injection yesterday, but forgot and did it this morning instead. Right leg. No pain at all. I read somewhere that breathing out (and breathing in general) helps it not to hurt and for general relaxation. It does seem to work, not that I've ever really had problems.

I was doing some research on some acne treatments. Vitamin B5 has been suggested to me, but I'm hesitant for several reasons. One, my acne is not actually all that terrible. It's annoying, but not really a hindrance. Two, popping a lot of pills is rather annoying and also could end up being costly. And, three, one of the common side effects is apparently hair loss. I'm not sure I'm willing to run that risk.


hairy!

The humidity is about to kill me. I sweat so very much. And my binders dig in under my arms. It's all very irritating and gross.

I'm getting more hair on my chest. It started around my nipples and now is finally moving toward the center. It almost connects to the hair creeping up my middle. The hair on my hands is coming in more as well. And the veins, as people keep pointing out.

I really need to work on eating well, and less. I cannot stand to go running in this heat, so I need to find some other (free) cardio workout to try to get rid of my pudgy middle.

shot. left leg.

I got a new tritop binder recently. They seem to have changed their design or something. I was worried that it would be hell to break in since I've got much bigger muscles since last I had a new one. But the new one is not tighter than the older one. In fact, it's possibly looser. Leastwise, it doesn't cut me under the arms like the older one. But it does still bind decently.

I haven't updated here in a long time. I'm not really sure what to say anymore. Changes are happening so slowly now. I suppose hair is still creeping in. And I wish more and more for a flat chest in this awful heat. I hate binding.

Getting a new car. Working out payment with my dad. I just have to find a way to get across the mountains to pick it up.

shot right leg.

Went to Pride last weekend. Fantastic. I walked around in small green underwear one day. I sort of don't mind being objectified occasionally.

I love my boyfriend more than I can ever express. Ever.

Shot in my left leg.

I definitely like not having the fluctuations anymore. Though I do occasionally get cramps. They haven’t followed through. Perhaps it’s just the T wringing the life out of my ovaries.


I have been hearing that there is a B vitamin that helps with acne. I will do some looking into it as soon as I have some time.

I hate that I resist sleep even when I need it badly.

I need to start writing more. Perhaps that would fatigue my brain. Because my body is done in. After standing/dancing for four hours last night at the Ratatat concert, working (and sweating) all day, I went for a run and then a swim.

Hopefully someday I'll be able to see my abs again. It's a goal of sorts. As of now, they're under a couple of inches of insulation.

I was supposed to inject myself yesterday, but wasn't home at the time, so I did it today. Right leg. No pain at all this time and only a single bead of blood.

I am certainly liking the 10 day schedule. I cannot feel the fluctuations at all. It's amazing. I do hope that my levels don't test too high next time. I'd like to keep this up. Though because I inject three times monthly instead of two, it's slightly more expensive.

I haven't written about changes for quite some time. Mostly because the changes have been so very slow.

I have an increasing amount of chest hairs. It's sort of gross, mostly because they are randomly spaced and not in the middle. My mustache is coming in nicely, I let it grow for about a week before and during camping. It was pretty fun. It's not full by any means, but it is visible. My chin patches are becoming denser, and quite visible. I have to shave daily to keep my chin from looking diseased or like a 16 year-old's.

I need to get back to the gym, or at least running. And eating better. Camping sort of displaced that. (I'll blame anything I can.)

All is well in general.

It's been ten days. Shot, left leg. It hurt like hell.

After almost a week, I finally got ahold of my mechanic again. Something with the wiring for the engine computer, he hasn't quite yet figured it out. But it may be done for this weeked. He kept throwing out all sorts of car part names at me and I just sort of acknowledged. I really know very little about cars. It's interesting that my credibility goes up infinitely when I'm read as male though. Too bad that's not actually the case.

I am overly excited about camping this weekend. You have no idea.

I ran today, even though I had a stomach ache. And it was good. It's been some time. I need to keep it up. It's good to have a buddy to run with. We do a fair job of keeping each other to it. And we have the same general pace.

I need to be better about what I put into my body. I need to work on some restraint. I just can't take $1 bills to work, because there are vending machines with candy in them. I need to eat more slowly, so I don't eat too much. I need to eat halves of things and save the rest. I really just need to cut back. I need to keep track of what I eat daily, just so I have a record and then can go from there on cutting back where need be.

Also, I don't like being car-less. Mostly because even my mechanic doesn't yet know what's wrong with my car. Also the expense of fixing it. And the bus. And that expense. Luckily, I haven't had to ride it all that much, because I have awesome friends. But I'd really like my vehicle back by the end of the week so I can drive to Utah. Otherwise, we may have some issues.

I need to write here more. Even if it's not necessarily trans related.

But today, I'll talk trans a bit. I have been letting my sideburns grow. That is, I haven't shaved them in over a week. It's pathetic. My chin hairs come in quite dark and prickly, but not nearly dense enough. Ah well, time I guess.

I've been having a bit of top surgery envy lately. I am still largely on the fence about whether or not I want to actually have surgery, but I am so jealous of the people who do. I want a flat chest more than most things in life. There are just so many complications to that. 1) I don't want huge scars. I want a natural chest. 2) I have an indented sternum, so my chest will never be flat. 3)I don't have the money and would have a hard time spending it on that if I did have it. I'd prefer to travel.

Binding's a bitch though. All sweaty and itchy and acne under it. It cuts under my arms. I want to swim and play in the sun. Walk in the rain. Wear a white shirt. Breathe.

Alas.

I also really want a new job. Seems I have a useless though expensive degree. And I am staunchly opposed to returning to school. I've been applying at some random places, but I'm trying to get away from dogs and into something I will actually enjoy for a long period of time. Or not. Perhaps just something to transition me into something I'll enjoy doing for a long period of time. Really, I'm not too picky. I just need to get paid as much or more than I get now. And not hate my life.

Shot. Right leg. I'm on 200 mg every 10 days now. My doctor said it might work out better for me so I don't feel the lag at the end. Also, apparently my blood iron levels are a bit high. They aren't worried about it, but will check again next time I come in. In the meantime, I'm going to try to stay away from red meats and cereal, as those things have a high iron content.

Just returned from a lovely trip to Kansas with the boy.

Oops. Missed my shot yesterday. My phone decided it was no longer necessary to remind me. It was mistaken. So I've stabbed myself today instead. Left leg.

I've been dealing with real anger lately. Possibly for the first time on T. Usually, my emotions are brief and furious; torrential downpours that dry away quickly. However, this hasn't. I should probably deal with it instead of grinding my teeth every time it affects me. I really need a new job. It's becoming detrimental.

I went to my eye doctor today. I realized that I've been going to him for over 20 years. And it never really hit me that it could be awkward until I got there and filled out the paperwork under my new name. I had to wait a hell of a long time for him to finally see me (he's apparently really famous.) And he came in and shook my hand and asked how I was. Then he said that the name sort of threw him off. He totally remembered me of course. He wasn't awkward about it, but I could tell he wanted to talk about it, but didn't really know how. I didn't really help. He vaguely asked me about when I started all of this. And even asked me (very nicely) about surgery. I answered everything, I did not feel threatened at all. He referred to me by masculine pronouns the whole time. Though, afterward he asked me how it was for me to switch them. He said I looked good. That it was good I was doing what I needed to do. And he gave me discounted glasses, after suggesting that I should get new frames. He didn't say so, but I know it's because the ones I have are women's.

It was nice to be affirmed by someone who has been in my life for a very long time. And someone who is in my parent's generation. It was a positivie experience. I want many more of those.

I probably shouldn't share this online, but writing calms me down.

Never before have I been so frustrated at work. My manager is fairly new to the shelter and simply does not yet understand how each area functions and what work needs to go into them. Today, I was set to close the two most time-intensive areas, plus two more areas. Yes, we were short-staffed, but that’s a lot of work. Incidentally, more than I could get done in the allotted time. However, as I was about to inform the assistant manager that I would be unable to get to cleaning a few things, I was told to move a bunch of dogs to a different area and sterilize the original area so that it would be ready for dogs coming in early tomorrow. This was ten minutes to six. I leave at six. For my weekend. When I told my manager that I had somewhere to be shortly after six she gave me a look that indicated that my job should take precedence over any petty thing I had planned. Albeit, I had nothing specific in mind, but I surely did not want to be there. Needless to say, I did not leave at six, but instead at six-thirty. And only that quickly because I had a little bit of help and I went terribly fast because I was about ready to explode from frustration.

I really need a new job. Otherwise I may turn into the Hulk and it won’t be fun for anyone.

Shot. Right leg.

This seems to be a fairly melancholy time for everyone. It makes me a bit melancholy.

I have been slowly making my way through Lost. And I've decided that I'm a lot like Charlie. Not in the addiction bit, but in the always wanting to be useful. Telling me I cannot help, is like punching me when I can't fight back. I wish it wasn't this way. I've known I've always had the 'useful' desire. I don't want to be the center of attention. I don't want to lead anyone. I just want someone to tell me what I can do, so that I can stay busy and help everything work out. That's all.

And I know that sometimes there is nothing I can do. And waiting is so hard.

I've been dreaming of old friends lately. I don't remember specifics about the dreams, just who was in them. It's sort of a painful nostalgia. I wish some of those friends were still in my life. I hate investing a piece of myself in someone only to have it taken from me. At the same time though, I'm through with all of the complications. My life is awesome. It really is. Besides my boring job, I've really got it made. My friends are the best I've ever had. I have found I don't have a lot of alone time, but that it's okay. I like spending time with everyone. And with one specifically. I like that we don't have to fill the silences with drivel. We can enjoy each other's company without words.

This week has been a bit of an off week. I am a sponge of emotions. So when those close to me are stressed, I tend to feel a bit of it. Or a lot of it as the case may be.

I really need/want a new job. Everything is changing at work and we've been short-staffed fairly regularly lately. And I'm simply bored. And I'm tired of the excessive amount of cats. And I just don't care anymore and I know that I need to. I think I am done with animals. I would really like to utilize my degree, or at least get closer to that. I realize that it is hard when it's only a bachelor's, but I am loathe to go back to school. Just the thought of homework again makes me almost physically sick. At the same time though, I do miss classroom discussions, and generally learning about things of interest.

I need some change in my life. I think just changing jobs would be a good start. I don't expect my next job to be the one I will love and stick with, but the fact that it will be new and different will be enough for now. And in May I'll get out of Denver three of the weekends. I think that will also help a lot. And someday I'll get the money to get a new passport and travel internationally again. It's sort of killing me that I haven't been out of the US for four years.

I wish I knew how to get rid of this strange face acne. It's not like normal pimples. They are there, raised, whitish, but they do not hurt or get red. No amount of scrubbing seems to deter them. I can sort of squeeze them, but I can't do that all the time forever...

So I decided that I needed to get around to changing my name on my car title and registrations. Thing is, I was supposed to do it within 30 days after the change. Oops. And I have to go to the DMV, it's not just paperwork. And I'm currently registered in the county my parents live in, so I don't have to worry about emissions. Balls. This could be tough.

My leg is a bit sore. And I'm soooo hungry. And even when I'm not hungry, I always feel like eating.

I hate the fluctuations.

One Year on Testosterone

Six and a half months on injections, previously gel/cream.

Initial changes:
clitoral growth
sweat/smell
weight redistribution

Ongoing changes:
hair
acne
voice (may have settled down by now)
muscle mass (due to working out)
hunger (shortly after injecting)
libido (shortly after injecting)


In a year I have legally changed my name on Social Security, driver's license, insurances, work, voter registration, bank, etc. I also changed my gender on my driver's license.

Need to change name on: passport, car registration.

I now pass 99.9% of the time to strangers. I look much closer to my age than last year.

I have a decent 'happy trail'. I have a patch of hair on my chin and sporadic hairs under my chin. I have to shave my face at least every other day to keep it from being too prickly.

My shoulders have broadened considerably, causing me to go up a shirt size from small to medium. My hips/but/thighs haven't really changed, so my pants size is still the same. I was fairly lacking in hips anyway, now I just have more man-shaped legs.

I can lift roughly twice the amount I was able to a year ago.

I can do 7 consecutive chin-ups. Whereas previously I could do 3-5.

I have gained about 10 lbs. Mostly in muscle as far as I can tell.

No period since September.

So, I started this blog a year ago with the first application of my AndroGel. Initially, I posted every day, or tried to. Now I post every other day, usually. I will no longer adhere to any sort of schedule. I will post whenever something trans-related comes to mind. I will still try to incorporate photos and facts about my transition.




http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RhCb3237uBs

Shot. Left leg. So far, not sore.

Tomorrow is one year on T.

I really need to start keeping track of what I eat. Perhaps not publicly, but I need to keep it for myself. So perhaps I can be more healthy and lose some excess.

So Friday was the QSA Gala at DU. I got somewhat spiffed up and accompanied my boyfriend there with a couple of other friends as well. He got an award. There was lamb and beer and truffles. It was good.

Saturday, we went to to CU Boulder to the Transforming Gender Symposium. It was a very long, but very good day. There was a trans Rabbi there who gave a handout that was a translation from some ancient Jewish texts about how to incorporate people who were neither male nor female. It was fascinating. I may copy it for my mother.

I also learned a bit more about hormone replacement therapy. Just some more solid facts about what testosterone does and does not do. And the things that are unproven about it. It was very helpful.

It was an exhausingly long day, but it was well worth it. To learn. To spend time with friends. To eat. Yay Pit Pit.

Sick. Only went to work for half a day. The latter half. Hopefully I can sleep in tomorrow as well and be better by evening. It's the LGBT Gala at DU. I'm excited to get all nicely dressed and accompany my lovely boyfriend. Then on Saturday, several of my friends and I are going to the Transgender Symposium in Boulder. I'm quite excited.

Hooray weekend.

Yesterday there was a presentation at DU by some Catholic about why gay marriage shouldn't become legal. It was nothing new. It was vaguely infuriating. Liam had prepared a lot of research for rebuttal, however, there wasn't a whole lot of time for his questions. But there was a lively debate afterward which I listened in on. He and a religious studies major talked about some verses and about love. I almost swooned.

Sick. I guess it serves me right for kissing the sick boy last week. I think it may be worth it though. But I hope I don't have to miss work.

Today a coworker asked if I'd been working out. She said I was huge. I mumbled an awkward thank you and beamed on the inside. I mean, I knew i was getting bigger, and my boyfriend tells me about my muscles, but it was nice to hear from someone I don't talk to very much.

This month seems to be dragging on. Not that it's a bad month, it just seems long. And I'm broke. And there are so many things to look forward to in the coming months.

April: my T anniversary; Liam's driving ability.
May: trip south; trip east to Kansas; camping trip west to Utah.
June: Pride

I will need to visit my parents this summer sometime. It could get interesting. My mother still doesn't really want me to come with anyone, but I don't know if my car will make it. I assume we will stop by at least on the way to or from Utah. I don't know how much I've changed since November, but I'm guessing substantially. As I now pass 99.9%.

Reportedly, the acne on my back is clearing up. That's exciting.

I love introducing old friends to new friends and I love it when they like each other. Thus far, this weekend is great. And the boy is mostly well again!

I finally got to work out again after over a month of relative inactivity. It was nice.

My injected leg isn't sore at all this time. It also didn't bleed at all. Perhaps I finally did it perfectly. I wonder if I can replicate that.

My great friend from Kansas is coming to visit this weekend. I couldn't be more excited. It will be grand to see her and have her meet my wonderful group of friends here.

I really love my boyfriend. I wish I had more words to describe that.

Shot. Right leg. Had to look back to remember which.

I am tired. And apparently a bit low on patience. I think it has to do with lack of T.

Boyfriend is back. Hooray. We cleaned his apartment and gave him a scare because of it. Fun times. Also, I figured out the cause of my sore shoulder. Bummer.

My friend from Kansas is coming at the end of the week. I'm terribly excited.

I have been so hungry lately. Or perhaps it isn't hunger so much as the want to keep on eating everything. Regardless, it needs to taper off as it's fairly costly.

I enjoy having holidays on weekends. Drinking with good friends is fantastic.

I saw my therapist today. It's been since October. It was very nice. We talked about possible jobs for me. What I'd like to do, what I can do. How my personality and everything else might work into everything. It was good. I have some ideas about searching for a fulfilling job now.

I am tired. I am almost loathe to admit it, but I sleep so much better with someone beside me. Or at least fall asleep faster. I haven't had a whole lot of luck sleeping this week.

Here is my beefy, veiny hand:

I have to shave every day now to keep the chin patch under control. I don't though. I just should I suppose. I don't much like shaving and I think my face/acne really doesn't like it. I cannot wait until I can just get a beard trimmer and keep a nice scruff.

Acne is bad again. And I've noticed my stomach hair filling in.

My bed is lonesome.

I really need to get back to the gym.

I hate binary gender. And I sort of hate that I'm buying into it simply by transitioning.

This weekend my friends and I got all dressed up and when to dinner and a play. It was fantastic. However, I found out that the top buttons on both of my dress shirts cannot be buttoned. At all. So my tie was slightly shabby. I guess I need to get some new shirts and just never wear a tie with my purple one. My neck seems to still be growing. I cannot wear any of the necklaces I used to wear, all of them are uncomfortably tight.

In this photo I look almost exactly like my brother when he was a bit younger.

So when my dad listed me on facebook as a son, I sent him a brief email telling him thanks and that I appreciate him. He just sent me this response.

"I got your email from the 1st and I keep it in my inbox so when I come accross it every once and awhile it picks me up to know maybe I have done some things ok enough to be appeciated every once and awhile. thanks for the note--your still one of my heroes. love dad"

Yes, he has atrocious spelling and grammar, but that so not the point. I love him. More and more these days.

I've been thinking a lot about chest surgery. I really wish I could have a flat chest without the surgery. I don't want to pay the money, have the pain, live with the scars... I just want to be me. And I don't want to bind. I saw a guy today wearing just a white t-shirt. Only that. I can't do that. Not in public. If I wear white, I have to layer even more than with opaque colors. I hate it.

Today at work I was warned about a dog that didn't like men. And it got me wondering about how dogs perceive me. I mean, if it's based upon appearance, I suppose I do look male, though short. But I feel like it's more about smell. And I wonder how I smell to them. I wonder if I confuse them at all. Regardless, I had no problem with the dog and I appreciated my supervisor mentioning it to me.

i don't know why i'm so blah. leg is a bit sore today. as is my whole body really. i hope i'm not getting sick or something.

this is the last day i can eat sweets for some time. hopefully it will help me cut way back.

i just want to cuddle forever and certainly not go to a meeting at work at 7 tomorrow morning...

I gave myself a shot. Left leg. Didn't even check to see if that was the right one.

I am tired. And my back and neck have been sore for days. I want to sleep for a week. With a nice warm boy to cuddle with of course.

I don't have a spring break or summer vacation to look forward to. Only the endless repeated weeks. and the bright, quickly spent weekends. This is my life. I am living without much of a role in it.

So it was brought to my attention that I've not explained myself in some ways about androgyny and T. I sort of gave up the dream of full androgyny when I began testosterone. I knew that it would change me in ways that I wanted and also ways beyond androgyny. I didn't make that clear, that I chose that. However, someday I hope to sort of explore androgyny from the other side. That is, being a rather femme guy I suppose. I don't know how that will go or even if I'll follow through, but since I still identify as genderqueer I like to explore such gender fuckery.

Anyhow. I want to be cuddled in bed. Yes.

Hey, it's been a long time since I've written. I just haven't had much to say.

I really enjoy weekends spent with my lovely boyfriend. I really enjoy the lovely Spring weather. I really just enjoy life right now.

So, cool news of the day: my dad recently signed up for Facebook and added me. I added him, but restricted him from seeing most things. He can see a few photos and that's about it. However, I did decide to list him as my father. Today, he confirmed the family request and listed me as his son. It made me hugely happy. I had to do a bit of research to find out if the gender designation was default though. And it's not. He did that of his own volition. Makes me even more happy.

So I don't know what it is about this dose of T, but I've had a couple of days of huge libido followed by today which was a day of huge hunger. It's sort of scary actually.

Oh, and even though I haven't worked out in a couple of weeks, I am still noticing shirts that are too small. I tried on my Swallows (RIP) shirt that is a medium and used to be my 'big' shirt. It now fits me so wonderfully that I wish I had more like it.

I still need to fix the locks on my car. I now know how to do it, but I haven't found the time or daylight to take the doors apart again. And I may need to buy more lovely plastic bits.

So, I never seemed to have much trouble of this sort earlier, but now I'm having some uncomfortableness involving my binders. Not rubbing, but sort of just trapped moisture causing itching and the like. So I've been using corn starch to alleviate that.

I've been running/walking during my lunch breaks this week. It's been really nice to get out into the lovely spring weather. But my shoes are crap for running.

My sideburns are starting to come in one hair at a time. I have to shave every other day now for sure, and even at the end of one day, I'm a bit prickly on my chin.

These are both the greatest thing ever and my downfall:

Another weekend gone. Nothing to report. Glad to have the boy back.

Cut my hair. All off.

Ate a bunch.

Watched the movie Beautiful Boxer. It was fantastic. It's about a transsexual Thai boxer who boxes in order to make enough money to transition.

It has some good lines:

“Your son’s heart has been emotionally crippled for awhile now. The operation will allow his body and his soul to coexist more harmoniously.”

“It’s hard being a man and it’s difficult to be a woman. But the most difficult thing is trying not to forget who you really want to be.”

Also, video update.

Sometimes the day drags on. Or the week. Or whatever. I wish I could get out of this funk. Friends help. Immensely. But it doesn't help that their own funks contribute to mine.

Leg is sore today. actually my entire body is sore today.

I need to start having more self-control when it comes to eating sugar. It's lending to my acne and certainly giving me headaches and probably I'll end up with diabetes before I'm 30. So how to get self-control?

I got a new awesome shirt though.



http://transhop.spreadshirt.com/

Shot, right leg.

I took my car to the mechanic yesterday and picked it up today. It was less than half of the cost I thought it would be. So I was rather overjoyed. I don't have to borrow anything from my dad. I am glad that he is willing to help me, but I'm glad that I don't have to rely on him in that way. I don't have to have anything hanging over my head or something that my mother could possibly use as leverage. So that's nice.

Ringworm is really bad at work. I hope I can stay clean.

I love my friends. And outings with them.

I think I'm feeling a bit trangsty currently. Possibly due to the fact that it's close to time to take my shot.

I don't want to be an adult anymore. I don't want to work, or pay for things.

Acne sucks. I wish I could have the other bits about puberty without the pimples. Ah well.

My binders have been chafing pretty badly lately. I don't know exactly why, but I don't care for it.

I was asked today if I was still sick. I said I was not sick, nor could I remember the last time I was. The next question was about why my voice was hoarse. I said it was just my voice now. I don't know if the asker got it then or not.

I am so glad it's the weekend again. I have to take my car to the mechanic tomorrow. Then there's a nice big trans meet-up. Exciting.

I'm tired. And I got a very bad nosebleed at work today. I'm sure you wanted to hear that. Bled for about half an hour. And then I was all week and pale and shaky. Good times, that.

Anyhow.

I have no photos to share. I'm done.

I am really running out of things to say. Changes are happening so slowly now that I cannot note them daily and really not even weekly. I guess hair is still filling in, but nothing spectacular. I haven't been to the gym in almost two weeks. I have been eating a lot of sweets and other horrible things. I need to stop that. And stop spending money.

So here's to being healthy and cheap.

Look, veins:

So I've been having money woes. And so I decided to call my dad about it because he has a sound business mind. Now, I didn't want to ask him for money because that would be something that my mother could hold over my head. Either by saying that I needed to do or not do things for it, or berating me for spending a lot of money for therapy and the doctor and prescriptions and court fees, etc. Gender stuff.

Anyhow, I talked to my dad and got a lot of sound advice. Also, he said that his company (he owns a construction company) could give me a loan to get my car fixed. I'm still in the midst of deciding if I want to do even that. I may just cancel my insurance and start riding the bus. But that's just a thought. I need to take it to another mechanic to get a quote. Then we'll go from there.

I realized that not many people actually use pronouns for me. And that's fine. They use my name, or not much at all. But sometimes, with some people, masculine pronouns are almost as jarring as feminine ones. I know so many guys who just slip into them with ease and refer to themselves with masculine ones, but though feminine ones have never seemed right to me, masculine ones don't quite fit either. It's just a weird thing. Masculine pronouns are my choice over feminine, and also over the various neutral pronouns. I am not complaining that people use them for me, I am simply noting that it still seems strange at times. Mostly good, just strange.

Hooray weekend!

Some say Trans is a new trend. Fuck that. I mean, I'm all for more lovely transpeople in the world, but it's not like it's the glamorous life or anything. It's not cheap. There's the therapist. The doctor. The blood labs (every few months). The prescription. The binders. The packers. The court fees. The phone calls. The tears. The acne. The arguments with parents. The needles. The growing out of clothes. The going hungry. The hot flashes. The not being able to breathe. The cracking voice. The awkward responses...


Etc.

I suppose I do see that there seems to be a growing population of trans people, guys especially. And I don't know all the reasons for this, but I'm not going to call them fakes. Instead, I'm going to note that it is now less of an arduous process that it has been. I said less, it is still quite arduous(see first paragraph).

I could probably keep ranting about this. It's been bugging me for days. But I won't. I'm stopping.

Now I can go wallow in my money worries and cuddle with a lovely boy.

Today my leg is a little sore, but not much at all.

I think I have more stomach hair. And chest hair. And under-my-chin hair.

And I can notice the different fluctuations regarding T. Eating habits, libido, etc. I don't really like it. I wish it was steady. Perhaps someday, once I have money and the changes have essentially stopped occurring, I will go back to the gel or cream or whatnot.

Anyhow, I feel a bit off. But the weekend is in sight, hopefully that will help.

Shot up today. Left leg. Ordered refill. Nothing further to report.

I really like my boyfriend, just in case anyone was unsure about that. He makes all my days.

I also really like snow and I'm sad I probably won't get to romp in this batch. Stupid work...

10 months on T (to the day)

So it's ten months today, but I haven't really got anything to talk about transition-wise.

I went to lunch with an old roommate today. She's pretty cool. I did get 'she-d' once. We didn't really talk about me, which is perfectly fine. Just did some reminiscing and catching up. It was nice.

I have a new mattress! Thank you kind tax return for helping solve my back problems.

bout time the weekend came around again.

i really do love snow. glad it finally warmed up enough to start.

it's supposed to be about 50 on saturday. wow.

i am le tired.

I get to see a lovely boy soon. and my weekend is coming up. couldn't be happier.

It's cold. I cuddled. Wish I could do so more, but my extra warm body is inhabiting another bed tonight. Man, it's been over a month since that last happened. I've got it bad...

I have made some rules regarding sugar intake and I hope to stick to them fairly strictly. I just want to be more healthy.

I am noticing more chest hair. And stomach hair. And a lot of stubble under my chin. And a few sideburn hairs.

I jacked up my left shoulder somehow. I don't know if it's a muscle thing or a joint thing, but it hurts and I can't use it fully. It's actually hard to put on and remove my binder. Could get interesting.

I want to know that I'm okay. I want to hear it from my parents.

I know that's sort of lame. They don't support my decisions. I've chosen my preferred family. Why do they matter so much? But they do...

Another thing that's been on my mind is sort of what causes a person to transition. I mean, I know that it's a validity of identity thing, but people really have differing reasons. I feel that some guys (and girls, for sure) transition in order to better fit the norm. That is, they want to be seen more as straight and not deviant or whatever. Perhaps they would never use those words, I'm being a bit indelicate, just stripping things down as I see them. I feel as though I'm more or less the opposite. Perhaps it is sort of a rebellion thing. I am trying to be as queer as possible. And I suppose I have an easier time of it because I don't have a set sort of person I'm attracted to. So when I was presenting and identifying as female, dating a female was the most queer I could get. And now, as I'm transitioning, I'm dating a transguy. I suppose a person cannot get much more queer.

I know it's a bit jumbled and not at all nicely worded, but it's been rambling around in my head and I needed to get it out there. Out to the lovely void for all to see.

I've been quite busy apparently. Too busy to keep up like I sort of promised to.

Thursday was a rather hectic day at work. We had to 'dip' each and every cat in a solution to ensure against ringworm. And fog each and every room with bleach. It was my duty all day to wipe out the kennels and rooms after each had been fogged. It was really rather brutal. I don't think my lungs have recovered even though I wore a mask. It was nice though to have a change of routine. Sometimes I just get very bogged down by the boring routine.

Friday Liam and I put new door handles on my car. They've been broken for many months, the passenger one, for about a year. We weren't able to fix the locks just yet, next Friday I'll have to run to Nissan for some parts. Oh plastic.

Saturday some friends and I escaped the city and rode a horse for a bit. It's been a very long time since I've done so. I was trying to remember the last time and came to 05 or 06 in Mexico of all places. So riding was nice. Very nostalgic. I really do love horses. And I loved that we didn't use a saddle, even more nostalgic.

And today was the Telethon at work. A very large to-do. I stayed nicely hidden and just kept my areas tidy. Oh, and I overslept because either my alarm didn't ring, or I turned it off in my sleep. Oops.

I need to actually job search someday. And try not to get discouraged. Anyone have tips?

Today was a rather hellish day at work.

But group was good. I really wish there were more guys though, it's reminiscent of last year. That is, it's sort of like couples therapy, except I don't know the other person all that well. He seems really cool though.

I think the T may be fucking with me again. I was irritable all day. Probably would have been snappy too, but I worked by myself all day. I feel tired most of the time, but I feel like I get enough sleep. I need to adjust my diet. Man cannot live on cheese and sugar.

I only want to curl up next to my boy and have the day come full circle.

I am really feeling the strain of posting daily. I never have a whole lot to say regarding my transition anymore. It's getting close on a year though, and when that date passes, I will not be nearly so active with this blog. I will only post when there are trans-related things to post. In the meantime, I'm going to try to keep to the daily bit and at least write something whether it relates to transition or not.

My schedule change at work is pretty nice. Tuesday is now my Wednesday instead of my Monday. That means that I'm more than halfway through with my week, just like that. Whee. I really like having Fridays off. The boy has no classes on Fridays, so we get to sleep in and essentially lie around all day and only get up to eat. It's sort of stellar.

I do need to put my new door handles on my car this weekend. Both of them have been broken for months. I now have the replacements, but very little daylight or really even motivation to tear up the doors of my car and fix it.

I'm hoping that my dad will help me pay to fix my brakes. It's going to be very expensive and I can't really afford it at all. Not that I can really afford to live so dangerously as I have the past few months.

I really need to limit my sugar intake. I'm grossly addicted.

And that's all for today.

I haven't got much to say.

I took my shot today. Right leg. I had to think really hard about which leg was last. And it was the right one. Oh well. Next time I will remember to check here before taking down my pants in the other room.

I think it's safe to say my affliction is gone forever. It's been four months.

Hair keeps spreading. It's interesting.

Acne is fairly awful.

My voice is continuously hard to hear. Apparently guys just talk louder. I may have to relearn that. And enunciation.

I love my friends.

I really like my boyfriend. Heaps.

I got my selective service letter today. It makes me chuckle. It's because there is now an M on my license.

Called my insurance and was assured that they'd rectify the name mistake. So that's nice.

This is the start of my new weekend. I think I shall enjoy it.

Tomorrow I will take my car to get the brakes worked on. And I will do mostly nothing else.

Grand.

So the people at my car insurance agency are somewhat idiotic. I faxed the name change document to them and I just received my updated proof of insurance. And it has my original first name and my new middle initial. Seriously. Apparently someone cannot read. Or something. So I have to call them.

Also, changing one's name for PayPal is not easy. They require that I fax a copy of my photo ID and the name change decree. And I think that's bullshit because they never needed any form of ID to open the account. So I'll be closing it. And opening a new one in my name.

Sort of frustrated, but so close to being done with this process. So close.

Filing taxes soonly, hoping for a good refund. I need a mattress. Very badly.

From Formspring:

"You've mentioned before that your parents seem to have taken your transition pretty hard. you mention your dad being more open and and proactive in conversation in a way which is amazing. curious to know how your mom has been handling it."

Quite frankly, my mom isn't handling it. Initially, when I came out (over a year ago) she had a lot to say. Trying to dissuade me and telling me I'm sinning, etc. But lately, she doesn't talk of it at all. She coldly eyes my tattoos. She doesn't mention my voice. She hasn't asked about my name change. She doesn't bring transition up at all. And I'm content to leave it at that for now. I don't have anything but nominal phone contact with her anyhow, so it's acceptable. If/when I visit again, I will likely insist that she not use pronouns in public. Mostly so she doesn't look like a fool.

Thanks for 'springing me and giving me something to talk about.

I don't have anything to say. But I have a photo.

Haven't got much to say of late. I've been quite tired. And busy with a certain someone. But I do want to keep up with the writing and the documenting and all. I just don't really know what to say anymore. Things are still continuing on as usual, but nothing big is happening. I have to fax some name change stuff to my health insurance and change my name on my car registration, but other than that, I'm done.

I talked to my dad on the phone the other day. Mostly I wanted his input on my car situation, which I got, but he also brought up my name change. I'd emailed him shortly after my court date. He asked what I changed it to and then asked about some of the processes I've been going through to get it official on paper. So that was cool.

And I'm so glad it's the weekend. And my schedule changes this week, so I only work three days and have Friday and Saturday off from now on. Cool.

Fin.

I like my life. I wish I could change a few things, but overall, it's fantastic.

That's all for today.

from formspring:

"You and your boyfriend are so cute together! If you could do any job, what would you like to do?"

That is definitely not an easy question. I want to do international humanitarian work. I realize that's a very broad answer, but I don't know exactly how to narrow it. I love people, but I am an introvert, so I'm not terribly good at working with people. I just love to help. I want to be able to communicate love through my actions. I want to work alongside people. I want to make friends. I do not want to simply throw money at a problem, or spend a month in a place and call it good.


Today was my first day back at the FtM group therapy at DU. It was nice. Met a new Denver transguy.

I need to shave, but I cannot be bothered.

I need to work out, but I'm lazy.

I'm trying not to think about money. Seems everyone else is and I'm simply going to refuse. Because it sort of scares me.

dude. chest hair. and hunger. my leg is basically not sore at all. it is too cold to drive to the gym today. my car hates the cold. i need to fix the brakes. in a big way. but my bank account is all by empty. it sort of depresses me. especially since i can't seem to find out where it's all going. i need to eat in more often. among other things.

40 weeks

It was a wondrous snow day with my boyfriend. We tromped around at the park and got all cold. Then came in to Irish cream in hot chocolate and the Return of the King and cuddles. It was rather nice. I'm not looking forward to returning to work tomorrow. Though the roads seem to have cleared up quite well.

I gave myself my injection. Right leg this time. Hopefully it won't give me any troubles.

I got my new debit card with the appropriate name on it. And soon will have my credit card and won't have to carry my passport with me. Hooray.

I'm snowed in at a friend's house. It's lovely really. We romped in the snow. It's all light and fluffy and fresh. It really makes me giddy. There's been a lot of cuddling and watching the Lord of the Rings extended editions. Fantastic. Perfect day really. Not much looking forward to driving when I eventually have to. My tires are crap as are my brakes. I should probably just stop driving until the weather clears once I get home.

Today

I love snow.
I love LOTR.
I love friends.
I love cuddles.
I love Irish cream in hot chocolate.
I love Chinese delivery.
I love kissing cold lips.
I love the smell of laundry.
I love.

Apparently, I've got a few dark face hairs coming on all along my jaw. I cannot see them, but I trust the observer.

I am tired. And I am constantly hungry. I have no idea if this has anything to do with T.

I cut my hair today. It was just to get rid of the forelock. It was sort of impulsive and I'll probably need to trim it up later, but for now I am left wondering if seeing all of my face makes me look older or younger.

As for other hair, the hair on my lower legs seems to have rather suddenly become thicker. I am getting a few more chin hairs. And it seems some hair is coming in on the small of my back.

From my Formspring:

"In terms of strength, how much could you bench press before T vs. now? I've heard eye color can change on T, did you experience this?"

I don't honestly know how much I could bench pre T. And I know I really can't do much now. I can max at about 125. However, general strength is improved. My daily routine of moving 50lb bags of cat litter is much easier. I've noticed nothing with my eyes. But I do have hazel ones, so they change anyhow.

Have I mentioned recently that I'm happy?

I've worked out once a week for three weeks and I feel that it has really been good. I actually like going to the gym now. I am accomplishing things. I'm sure it helps that I don't have to be away from the boy in order to do so. He's very good at teaching me what I need to be doing. What I'm doing wrong, etc.

I was asked about my measurements, so here they are:

bicep- r 13.25, l 12.75
forearm- r 11.25, 10.75
thigh- r 21.5, l 21.5
calf- r 14.25, 14.25

Overall, my chest has gone down several inches. My waist one inch, my hips one inch. My arms have gained half an inch. My thighs have lost about an inch. Cool stuff to note.

Thank you anonymous 'springer for the prompt.

and here is my back, non-flexing.

9 months

Late at night, when my mind is not fully with me, the trangst returns. Mostly it's a mirror, or a sponge, I cannot really tell. But I get to thinking about how all trans people are different and that dysphoria manifests in many different ways. I personally don't have a whole lot of physical dysphoria. This occasionally worries me. Because I could get through life without any actual trans process. Yet here I am, spending x amount of money each month on hormones. And it's good. I enjoy the changes and effects of T, I wouldn't take that back. But I know that it is not essential for me to be happy. And so my minimalist leanings get a bit tweaked. But it passes. I know I'm doing the right thing for me. I suppose it just makes it slightly more selfish. Because I know that it is not really for my sanity, or to protect my life. It's just something I want to do, for me. And that's sort of empowering.

So this month is the nine month mark for my hormone therapy. And that's exciting. I'm getting fairly hairy. My stomach hair is filling in. The hair on my arms and legs is quite dark. I've got some strange hairs on my chest. My face is still sort of disappointing. Just the same chin patch. All in good time.

I really need to figure out what to write about and make videos about. Please ask me questions or give me prompts. That would be swell. Don't worry about awkwardness or questions either, I'll talk about most anything.

Formspring.

hmmm, it's been awhile since I've updated.

It's a new year. I started it off with a kiss, as is good and proper. First New Year's kiss ever really. I love my friends; my family of friends. Life is good.

I'm going to go ahead and call tomorrow my nine months. More to update then.