Well, group therapy moved to a different day. So that's interesting. I should really go see my therapist sometime soon, haven't been there for months. But I need money first. And I haven't really got any of that because I'm loathe to dip into my savings account. It's the only thing keeping me from being depressed. Because I'm saving to vacate the country sometime within the year.

I wanted to again say that I love my friends. This group is quite honestly the closest group of friends I've ever had, physically and emotionally and whatever other way. Our topics of conversation are varied and interesting. We have silly times and deep times and quiet times and many loud times. I especially like cuddly times. I just feel totally comfortable with all of them. It is my policy to be honest, but I am rarely open. With them, I'm both, and it's lovely.

Thirteen days until I collect my lovely boy from the airport. I'm rather excited as I'm sure you all can imagine. I have the days off work, I have an outing planned. I have a wonderful formal outfit that hopefully will get some use.

There were some weird questions in my mind some months ago concerning this relationship. Most were related to the distance. But I've put them to rest. I've made my decision, my commitment. And I'm loving it. Everything will be okay.

Transition related: I think my voice is dropping. It's cracking a lot today. I surely hope I'm not getting sick. I seem to have a few more chin stubbles. That's fun.

Workout tomorrow, I really want to push myself. I want to be sore.

Wow, I'm glad I don't edit these really, they are usually such a jumble of random thoughts. No transitions, no proper flow. Maybe someday I'll be able to actually write again.

Well, I've been busy this week. Wish birthday drinking. And the birthday drinking won't end at all this month. There's a party every weekend in October and one of them is mine. (Come to Swallows on the 15th.)

I've nothing to report that is necessarily trans-related. I guess I met another guy last night who of course knows one or two people I do. Because in this community, we all basically know one another.

I'm tired, and tired of being tired. It's not just lack of sleep, but lack of actually being awake as well. I need some change. And I know I just keep on saying it. Someday I'll actually go do things. But it may not be soon.

Don't remember if I mentioned that my parents are coming to Denver and taking me to lunch on Monday. It should be fine. It's apparently my birthday lunch. I need to decide where to take them.

Got my shirt back from the tailor. It now fits me very well and I'm quite happy. It cos more to get it tailored than I paid for it, but it's worth it because it's obviously irreplaceable. So I now have my whole getup. And I'm pleased. Broke-ish, but pleased.

I've been fighting the random waves of melancholy that seem to plague me. I am able to fight them by simply being with others. I don't have to touch anyone (though that helps even more) I don't even have to be talking. Just being. And being together. It's somehow very comforting to sit in silence with someone. No awkwardness. It's a form of trust really. To not feel the pressure to divulge or pry or fill the emptiness with useless words. I value the silences as much as I value deep discussions. There is a profundity in simply being - together.

My parents are coming to Denver on and errand next Monday and they wish to have lunch with me. This means I'll get a free lunch. It also may mean that we discuss some things that might not go so well. Also, I've my second shot later that day, I wonder if that will come up at all.

I failed at most of the errands I was to do today. I did not backup my computer except onto my iPod. I did not clean out my closets. And I did not apply for any jobs.

Apathy wins again.

I had a rather good day hanging out with a buddy and shopping. It was rather too hot out though. I found a vest! Finally. And also matching pants. Some shoes and braces (white) to compliment everything. Now, as soon as I get my shirt back from the tailor, I'll have a photo shoot. Here's a taste:

So glad it's the weekend. Only two full weeks and 2 days of work until I see that one awesome guy.

I realized that it's not just apathy that has caused the stalling in my job search, but the fact that I'm tired. I don't want to think. And I'm unhappy. And I don't want to apply anywhere with a taint of unhappy. So I need to work on that.

The vest arrived, alas it is too large. The hunt for the perfect gray vest is still in progress. I'd love to find one with pants to match.

Just watched "A Single Man." It was interesting. Very slow and rather depressing, but artistic and thought-provoking.

I was in adoptable dogs today. This means that I got to clean approximately 60 kennels this morning. Morning being from 7:30 until about 1 when I went to clean some kittens that were ringworm exposed and almost got eaten by a mean mamma cat. Then I went to lunch.

I liked the day because I kept busy. However, even with music blasting and dogs barking, I spent way too much time in my head. I can't tell you what I was thinking of, because it was everything. Future, past, friends, family. It was sort of overwhelming.

But The remainder of the day has been chill. I worked out. I watched the film. I'm taking it easy. It's okay.

Everything will be okay.

It's strange not to have to rub the testosterone cream on every day.

I have noticed a few hairs on the insides of my elbows. Weird?

I hung out with my lovely friends, some of which I haven't seen in quite some time. Darn school (for others) and distance and all.

Nineteen days until my boy comes.

I need to be searching for jobs. I have a degree. I really should be getting paid more. And should be doing something I actually like.

The world sort of depresses me. I don't really follow the news. Just the occasional random bits, even though my homepage is BBC. I probably should get back into such things. And try to find gainful employ in that realm perhaps.

I'm very excited that my shirt is currently being tailored to fit me. I tried very hard to find a replacement, but in the end, nothing could replace my awesome purple shirt, so I just found a place to do alterations and it will be done my Tuesday!

I had to charge up my old phone to use as an alarm clock last night because I left my phone at a friend's. On the phone, I found several old saved text messages. One of them particularly warmed my heart. "im proud of you. the world is a better place because of you." This was sent to me last November when I was visiting my parents. I very much miss the friend who sent it.

Today a coworker asked me if she could ask personal questions. So I submitted to being asked if I was going to do the 'sex change', which I interpreted as surgery. So I said I had no intentions on that, but I told her I am already on hormones. She concluded the session by saying that she thinks everyone should do what they need to do and just be smart about it. It was an odd conversation, but not a bad one.

I got the T hunger back today. Sort of depressing how much I ate actually. Ah well.

Cut my hair back to the emo forelock/flop 'hawk. It makes me quite happy.

I forgot to mention that yesterday my doctor commented that my voice sounded deeper. So I guess it really is changing. Hopefully more now though.

Today was fairly usual at work until I left early to go to a sort of training thing for an event. And it wasn't there and I was gypped an hour of pay. Frustrating.

But I had a wonderful dinner and cuddles with friends. But alas, I left my phone behind. I'll have to break out an old fashioned alarm clock and scare myself to death in the morning. So be it.

I think it's time to bring the emo forelock back. I just can't seem to make the sides of my hair do what I'd like them to. So they shall be buzzed soon. It's finally about long enough.

Today was eventful in several ways. First, I woke up after a pleasant, but somewhat unnerving dream. This began my head ravenously devouring my heart and soul for the remainder of the day. I have been over thinking everything. I haven’t had this sort of over thinking since before I was on testosterone, so I can only assume that the lack of T is affecting me.

The next event was my doctor’s appointment, which I got out of work for. I waited in the office for some time, and then was asked a bunch of random things. I made sure to emphasize that not only was I out of T, but that the dosage wasn’t really working for me as I still have my period. In which case, my doctor wrote me two prescriptions. One for a one dose vial which I immediately filled and another for a large vial to last me several months. I returned with the one-dose vial and had the nurse shoot me. It was as expected, and somehow, my head/emotions felt almost immediately better.

I will go in two weeks from now to be taught how to self-inject.

It’s interesting to think again about how this is my life. This will be the rest of my life. I will inject hormones into my flesh every two weeks for the remainder of my life. It leaves me in a bit of awe.

I wish I could help everyone who hurts.

Log of what I’ve eaten:

Brandied peaches and yoghurt
Peanut butter and jelly sandwich
2 Powerbars
Quesadilla
Bratwurst
Handful of candy corn
5 graham crackers with hot chocolate

24

Well, another week has passed, 24 weeks now. Again, no notable changes. I've been off T for three days. I have an appointment tomorrow which I hope will end in me getting stabbed or getting a prescription to be stabbed in the near future.

I need to travel. I love this city and the people I know here, but I haven't left the state, let alone the country in over three years. Ridiculous. This needs to change. I guess what needs to change first is my saving of money. Perhaps I also need to work on getting a job with better pay. I've actually recently been thinking about going the EMT/Paramedic route with a chance of firefighting added in. I know that I've never really mentioned an interest in such things before. But I feel like it's a very direct way to help people and very likely pays better than my current job. I know it's not necessarily easy, but I need change. So I may be working toward that here soon. If I can find a way to stop being apathetic.

I've begun to think I need to keep a log of what I eat daily. I may not make it public, but just keeping track will surely help me out. I eat far too much sugar. And well, far too much really. I need to knock it off.

Just got back from my stint out of the city. It was really good minus all the driving...

My friend's wedding was beautiful and I saw some people that I haven't seen in ages. One of my favorite teachers from high school was there, but she didn't even recognize me. I didn't press it. Camping was great. We drank a lot. I probably drank too much. As usual. It was gorgeous in the mountains. The leaves are all turning and the air was fresh and it was so quiet and the stars were so bright. Visiting the parents wasn't so bad. I was only there for a brief moment as they were busy. Now I'm exhausted and glad to be out of the binder.

I'm trying not to worry about being off T. I will get it all worked out on Tuesday. Everything will be okay.

I was gendertrolling Omegle again recently. Most everyone always asks 'm/f?'. And I use it as an opportunity to spread some knowledge about transpeople. I told a fellow that I was male, but in a female body. Then I told him I was trans. He asked if I'd had an operation. The answer is no, of course, and he replied "so your not trans yet. i win haha" and disconnected. I don't know why the general notion is such that people cannot be trans unless they have heaps of money and undergo some major cutting. Also, not sure what he won.

Used the last of my testosterone cream last night. Didn't know I was that low. Went to refill online, and I'm out of refills. Crap. So I called my doctor, urgently, and I have an appointment for next Tuesday. This means four days without T. Hopefully I will be able to transition to injections. I really just need this affliction to go away.

I'm headed out of the city first thing tomorrow. We're all stocked up on food and beer. I'm quite ready to get out for a bit. I haven't camped in far too long. Still not sure how I feel about visiting the parents, but we'll play it by ear.

I just want to cuddle. For some reason this week has been almost cuddle free. What's up with that?

Today I am tired. I bought a laptop fan though. And a tripod. Both about $15, so that's good.

Called my doc again, as she hasn't called me back. I need her to find a way to zap this daft reminder of my feminine body. Hopefully she calls back tomorrow.

I ate far too much candy today. But at least it was free? I should keep a log of what I eat so I can try to be more healthy. Yes. I shall work on that.

etc.

I cooked Kenyan food, it was terribly enjoyable. I feel all nostalgic now. And I do so love my friends. And I love that everyone really does get along quite well.

I have cramps and I'm very grumpy about it. And I do not relish having to buy tampons tomorrow. Grrr. I do hope my doc calls me back soon. And I do hope we get this resolved before next month. If I have another of these sessions... and while the boy is here... hell to pay. hell to pay.

Now preparations begin for camping this weekend. And attending a wedding. And stopping to see my parents. It'll be packed.

Did I mention I have new tires that don't chirp when I turn? Did I mention they are far less likely to blow as I cross the passes? I'm rather excited about these things. Also, pretty affordable.

Things I need:

a tripod for my camera. I get tired of using the same angles all the time because that's where my window ledge or bookcase or dresser happens to be.

a fan for my laptop. My other one broke and I can certainly tell the difference. My computer gets warm to the touch and starts to process more slowly.

a new/different mattress. This one is very nice, very expensive and sadly far too soft. It was free, I don't feel bad about not liking it. I don't foresee me getting a new one anytime soon though.




Apologies for sharing part of my wish list, for some reason it seemed appropriate to add here.

Today the affliction visited me today. I promptly called my doctor to inform her that my dosage wasn't enough, it wasn't working. This may mean that I need to switch to injections, as an increased dose of the cream will also increase the cost. At this point I don't really care. I just don't want to have this monthly reminder that I have ovaries and a uterus. I'd rather just forget. I believe I said that I would cry for days if it happened again, but I was at work, and that would be interesting to explain. Also, I cannot really cry. However, my previous suspicion that acne gets worse at this time is confirmed. No wonder I've been having such a problem.

I've also been eating a lot of candy. I just crave it all the time. Trying to pace myself though.

Currently cooking the first bit of my Kenyan dinner. I'm excited. I hope it turns out well.

23 weeks

Today was a productive day off. I went to get my tire patched only to be told that they it and the other front tire were too worn to do anything with. So I had to buy two tires. I got used ones for $63. I feel pretty happy that I got a good deal there. And now I can cross the passes this weekend without worrying about a possible flat.

I worked out again today. That makes a total of 5 workouts in 3 weeks. And I took my measurements and nothing at all has changed. I didn't expect anything to. I need to keep at it though.

I went shopping for ingredients for my Kenyan dinner. I'm excited.

I can sense some tension between some friend groups. I really hate that feeling. Hopefully things work out. And soon.

Today I really missed a boy. Most of the time, I can deal with distance, but sometimes it just hits me really hard. One month.

Sunday has been a good day. I guess it's technically over now, but it was a nice lazy, relaxing day hanging with friends.

I've been putting off the whole Faith thing. I don't want to think about it. There is so much else going on. But I know that I can always pull that excuse. There will always be other things. And I think I owe it to myself, my past and even my parents to delve into that thoroughly. So if anyone knows any good books to read about theology in general or faith within the LGBT community, I'm interested.

It looks like I'm not going to ever be able to save again. Our elusive energy bill has finally come, with 9 months backlogged. And my second set of blood labs were just billed. I can handle it, I just won't have any to spare.

In other news, Lord of the Rings Online is now free. It's possible that I won't be around much. If I can get it to download.

I see my parents a week from today (Sunday). Wow.

It's the weekend finally. But I'm not as elated as usual. Probably because I have a bunch of things that need to be done and almost no money with which to do them. I try not to whinge about things. I temper it anyhow. But this is unusual for me. I usually have plenty of money in my savings account so that I can bail myself out if I need it, or take a spontaneous trip. Or help a friend in need. But now, I'm just waiting on my paycheck. Buying minimal food on my credit card. Feeling the pressure of the looming 9 months of backed up electric bill.

But everything will be okay.

In trans-related news, I tried to differentiate my newest binder from the old ones by putting a safety pin in the hem. Not a good idea. I now have a huge gash on my hand. I guess the hand is better than my side.

Not able to write about the deep Faith thing yet. May take me some time.

In the meantime, my coworker who I adore, seems to finally have switched pronouns. It was getting irksome, because I didn't want to confront her on it, but it made me and others nervous when she used female ones. But today she just was using male ones. I don't know if my supervisor talked to her or if she finally just was able to make the switch. Either way, it makes me very happy.

I ate quite a lot today. It was the monthly picnic at work, so there was a lot of free food. I sort of gorged myself. I need to work on that.

I worked out today for an hour. 30 minutes on the elliptical. 30 free weights and machines. I don't really have a routine when it comes to the weights and stuff. My buddy and I spot one another on the bench. I think I was up to 100 lbs today. Three sets of 10 I think. I didn't keep perfect track. And then I used 15s for curls and the like. I honestly don't really know what I'm doing. I know only enough not to injure myself. Which is sufficient currently.

All that said: it was a very exhausting, but fulfilling workout. I was rather sweaty.

wanna see a photo?

I'm still thinking a lot about faith. And it's causing me to again study the aspects of selfishness that lead me to where I am. I cannot deny them. I am being selfish to be me. To be happy. Sure, my life would be total crap and I'd be miserable, but without my transition, I'd still be in the good (financial) graces of my parents and many of my old friends, not to mention the Christian Church.

Then I reexamine that logic. My parents and I have always disagreed on many things. And I don't think I'd have much more of a relationship with them anyway. And most of my old friends from high school and college moved on and drifted away. The friends I have now are the best I've ever had. I've never felt more valued for who I am. I've never felt more at ease. I've never had as many intense, intelligent discussions.

Back to me being rather miserable and lonely if I was trying to hide who I am. I wouldn't have an awesome boyfriend. I wouldn't have this awesome roommate. I wouldn't socialize with all these awesome people.

And so, does the loss affect me? Yes. But the gain brings me more joy than I can fathom.

(more on the actual faith aspect later)

and here's a photo of the scars my binder has caused.

I feel like the changes from T have sort of stopped happening. I've not found any new random hair. Even what I have does not seem to be getting thicker or more noticeable. I haven't noticed voice change. I guess I feel sort of stagnant or something.

I've been thinking a lot about Faith. I used to be Christian, and while I never renounced that faith, it's true I've stepped away from it. I don't want to be lumped in that category for sure. However, it's not that I don't believe anymore.

"It's not that I do or don't believe, I just don't not believe in God or aliens or love at first sight."

Those are lyrics by The Guggenheim Grotto. They have been among my favorites for years. Someday perhaps I'll solidify if I do or don't believe in those three things. In the meantime...

Went back to FtM group therapy. There was a three week break. It was really nice. I hadn't realized how much I missed it. Even though the other guy there is one of my best friends, so we weren't sharing anything new.

Acne is bad again. Or worse or whatever. It seems to come in waves. I sort of hate it.

For some reason my binder has been cutting me pretty badly lately. I don't know if I've been wearing it for too long or if I'm getting fatter or what. But I'm actually getting scars under my arms. Oh the things I do to be me...

I am sort of dreading going to see my parents in a couple weeks. I haven't seen them since I began T. I'm not staying there though, just visiting for a couple of hours. So I don't think things can go too badly. It will be good to see them. Though I'll probably be guilted into doing something for my dog.

I'm really excited to go camping though. It will be the first time since... 2007? guh.

And I'm excited to attend my friend's wedding.

And I'm tired. Of being bored with my life.

22 weeks

I haven't been home in awhile. Just out carousing with my friends. Lazying about watching movies. Generally having a grand old time.

I guess I'm at 22 weeks now, and I have nothing to report.

I miss my boy. I love my friends, etc.

I feel like my updates are pretty mundane. Perhaps if someone prompted me with questions or something? Anyone?

This is a photo of a great cuddle puddle. This is how I make it through life.

Have I mentioned how much I love my friends? I do. Cuddle puddles are my favorite thing on earth.

I'm so glad it's the weekend.

I've been a bit trangsty of late. I know that my decision for using testosterone gel/cream is a good one for me. However, sometimes I feel impatient. I want to have a deeper voice now, not later. I want to have a beard sooner than when I'm 43. Oh, and if my period comes again, I will very likely cry for the whole week.

In a couple of weeks, I'm headed over the mountains to attend an old friend's wedding. And because it's only about 30 minutes from my parents' house, I'm obliged to stop in for a bit. I haven't been there since March. They haven't seen me since I began T. They have talked to me on the phone only. I doubt there will be any confrontation. Just small talk. Yet, I'm still a bit nervous.

But everything will be okay.

I was going to go to bed, but realized I neglected to update yesterday, so I should today. Not that there is much to update.

Was dancing yesterday. Haven't been that wasted in quite some time. It was very fun though. Work today was a bit rough. Then I went for a workout with my buddy. We ended up swimming, which was perfect.

Dinner with my friends. I so love these people that I know. I have always been lucky with good friends, but I feel like the ones I'm making this summer will be with me forever.

I bought my wedding shirt today. It's purple of course. Now I can be Lex for sure. I also bought a vest, but I don't like it as it doesn't go with my pants at all. I may still look for a gray vest, or just do without.

I haven't shaved in about two weeks. I think I will next time I shower. Which should be soon, but might not be.

This evening everyone at work had to wear purple polos and black pants. I hate polos intensely, though the intensity is slightly dampened by the color.