My binder was killing me today. I don't know why. Too much sweat I'd guess. Guh.

I got a shirt from my favorite bar yesterday. It made me happy.

I feel at a loss most days. I think I'm generally really happy, but, occasionally, I feel quite melancholy. I become easily distracted by other people's moods, whatever they may be. I become quite self critical. I doubt and second-guess myself. It's at these times when I wish that hugs could cure the world's pain. My own pain, the pain of those close to me. Everyone. I could really use a hug. Many, in fact.

I was talking with my boyfriend and decided to make it a post. I like this transitional place. I don't know if I ever want to leave it. As much as I want changes to happen as fast as they are for others, I actually really like the gradualness. It is exactly as I planned from the beginning. I don't want to be 'a man'. I am thoroughly genderqueer. I know I am not a woman. I wish there was a way to stay more in the middle. I love the androgyny. (I love being able to attract both lesbians and gay boys... haha)

Still sort of agonizing over a middle name. I generally like the idea of using Drake, my mother's last name, and technically my second middle name. However, at this point in time, I'm reluctant to have too many ties to her...

Ugh, how long will it be until I stop being included in "ladies" or called "she"? I mean, really...

I've been trying to call my parents this week to discuss the name change again before I get the ball rolling on that. But my mother won't return the calls. My dad just called back though. To tell me that she 'for lack of a better word, was ranting' about it. He said that basically, they don't have any input and I can do whatever I like. I asked if he thought she'd have a problem with me using Drake (her last name) as my middle name. He said it probably didn't matter either way.

So now my dilemma is about my middle name. I could use Drake, as it is a family name and already my second middle name. I could use Timothy, which is what I would have been named had I been born a boy. (I'm certain, though my dad doesn't recall.) Or I could use something more or less random. I could use Rusco (my screen name, Elvish for Fox). I could do some research and find a word with meaning. I don't know... input?

Not much to say. Every anymore. Having some beard envy. Some of the guys I know have much more facial hair than I do. And they've been on T for a shorter time...

But, I got a couple of compliments about my changes. Someone said that my face had changed quite a bit. Made me very happy. Too bad I never know how to react really. I'd love to hug everyone who says those things. But I feel that's not appropriate. So I don't really do anything. I hate that I seem rather aloof.

I was watching trans videos on YouTube and feeling all jealous for flat chested-ness. And deep voice-ness. And facial hair-ness. Ah well, time will come...

23 days until that boy comes to visit. I think I can last 3 weeks. I've made it five.

16 weeks

Wow, four month mark?

Time for some comparison photos.

Last night was epic fun. And I don't usually use 'epic' unless I'm talking about Beowulf, but I feel like a drag show pageant warrants it. My buddy was defending a ten year title and I got to drink and watch a bunch of hot people lip sinc and dance. And I got hit on by a gay boy. Again. I do love my life.

The best part may really have been the very drunk girl in the parking lot afterward. "I'm half spic, I can climb fences!" "I'm fine. Let me show you my nipple. Tell him I'm fine." "Chicks with dicks!"

Yeah, so as far as trans stuff: I pass. Pretty much always now. And I met an awesome transwoman named Eden Lane. She apparently has a show. I don't know exactly, as I don't watch TV, but she's great. And I love my friends.

I did not bring a camera, and my phone camera never even came to mind, until the rooftop after party. Here's my city. Isn't it great?

I was gender-trolling Omegle. It was some fun. And also sort of depressing. When a person doesn't know another, real thoughts can often be shared. Yes, I did get called a freak. Interesting.

Fixed my bad day yesterday by going out with some pals and drinking and dancing. I got pretty trashed. And I passed. Almost too intensely well. I was dancing with a guy. And all he wanted to do was make out. I was too drunk to explain to him why I just wanted to dance and nothing else. It turned out just fine. But it was vaguely difficult in my state. Thanks for great friends and the thought of my awesome boyfriend.

And I pulled my calf muscle dancing. How ridiculous is that?

Again: I love my friends. They make my life.

on T and anger and stress

Again, my internet has been down. Bummer.

My emotions are easily repressed. Usually. For a bit, I felt like a kid again, wanting to throw a tantrum and hit things and kick things and scream. Now, I just go silent. Become obsequious. Sometimes I think I should show my anger. Sometimes I think I should let people know. Instead, I put my head down. I absorb the anger and stress around me and I continue onward.

Yes, I am talking about work.

Moving onward.

I got to do some manly things such as change the oil in my car. It was a good thing to learn for sure. And not unfun either. Got a bit grungy and expanded my knowledge base. Two good things.

And missing that boy. Horribly.

I went to the bank the other day and the teller looked at me and asked "You're Laura?" I just said yes and she didn't ask for ID.

I went out for drinks tonight. I didn't pass, but I got $1 drinks. It worked out okay.

I hate acne.

I really miss my boy. I mean, I always do, because he lives so far away, but he's going on a cruise. Out of the country and all. I don't know how I'll survive a week without skype. Haha. I'm sure I will. It's just a bit rough.

15 weeks

Fifteen weeks on T today. Someday soon I'll post some comparison photos of muscles and hair. Perhaps next week.

Ah insurance. I haven't met my deductible, hence the bill for my blood labs. Seems like I just won't be able to save. Ever. I need to talk to my doctor and see if anything can be done about this.

And again I find my education as "a man" lacking. I need an oil change. Most guys and even a lot of girls know how to do this. I do not. And I really would like someone to teach me. I'm sure my dad or brother would have taught me had I shown any interest. But I really am not that into cars. Mine just gets me where I need to go is all. I don't even like driving very much.

I've mentioned how much I hate the heat, right? I sweat and therefor smell. My binder sicks and chafes. Ugh. But I got a popsicle today to make me feel better. Hooray for phallic objects.

There is a volunteer at my work that calls me "chief". Sort of makes me laugh. And also smile. I obviously pass. But as a young boy. Oh well.

I have resolution in my life. I am very glad of this. And now I can move forward more readily.

I love the people in my life. I still feel like I drink too much, but at least it's with fantastic friends.

I have hairy knuckles. Cool huh?

My body hates me. It's okay though, I hate it back. And this time I'm not going to say "This should be the last time..." Because when it happens again, it fucking sucks. I obviously have never liked having my period, however, since being on T, it's become way worse and this time is worst by far. Cramps hurt a lot more. I cannot take enough ibuprofen to dull the ache. I feel like curling into a tiny ball and crying. I want to cry for many reasons. How unfair it is, how it's almost 4 months, how much it hurts, how guys shouldn't bleed from there... yeah. That's my day.

Hooray for weekend.

Something that makes me sad: I was never taught how to shave by my father, as my brother was. I never had the expert's advice. I've had to learn by myself, by trial and error. Sure, I've read about it online, sure, some friends have told me. But it's not really the same. And it makes me melancholy.

Another sad thing: my favorite hang-out is severely cutting its hours of operation. We will still be able to go for sure, but they no longer have Sunday brunch. The brunch had become a tradition for the trans group. Ah well...

And another sad thing (such a downer today): I feel awful. Did something to my back. At least I hope I did, otherwise it's cramps and that would be double sad. I think my sugar habits have something to do with my crappy physical health as well. I try to sugar-fast and end up basically binging. It really hurts. Sort of a lot. I have a problem...

A good thing (!): I lifted and carried 100 lbs of dog food on my shoulder today. Up a flight of stairs. How manly is that? (No this has no relation to my back pain.)

No photo. Apologies.

My internet connection has been down for some time. Instead of back logging, I shall pick up again here.

In an effort to keep my face from breaking out so much, I haven’t shaved in over a week. Much to my chagrin, instead of some nice stubble, even a tiny bit, all I have is peach fuzz. However, I did trim the hair in front of my ears and found that my sideburns are coming in a tad thicker up high. That’s pretty cool.

I don't know if it's physical, emotional or mental, but I have terrible sugar cravings and absolutely no self control to resist them. It's rather unfortunate.

Today I had a talk on the phone with my mother. We did not discuss anything to do with my transition, however, she made sure to make me feel guilty and judged indirectly. I have a 13 year old dog and and 16 year old cat. These are animals that I got over half of my life ago. She wants me to be responsible for them now, though I've been out of the house for 6 years. She is trying to convince me that I need them to come live in my apartment with me. But that's daft for more than one reason. Firstly, I am not home very often and couldn't give them much attention. Secondly, they have lived their entire lives on a 6 acre farm.It would really be pretty cruel, even though they've obviously slowed down. Thirdly, I don't get paid heaps and caring for two animals would strain my budget. When I pointed these things out, she then suggested that I compensate her for their care. Which still leaves the third point open.

Basically, I think she's subtly 'punishing' me because we don't agree.

Anyhow...

14 weeks

I really haven't got much to say on here anymore. I'm breaking in a new binder. It's sort of killer. I love they way they bind when new, but they are hella hard to get into and tend to cut under my arms for a bit. Ah well. The things I must do in order to be me.

I am getting increasingly hairy. But not on my face, much to my disappointment.

I need to work out/eat better. Still. I do well for awhile, then I get to craving sugar. And it makes me sick to not have it. It also usually give me a headache when I succumb.

And here is a current photo of me eating a brownie...

Today the group of transguys I'm part of helped at the gay rodeo.

I haven't been to a rodeo in years. I used to go regularly, having grown up in rural Colorado. I used to even participate and all. I really miss riding. I didn't know I missed horses so much until I saw them in action. I need to have that contact again.

In the meantime, I sold drink ticket and got a bit drunk myself and had a generally grand time for about 12 hours.

Some gay cowboy made some random comment about how my haircut made me look 'too gay'. In general I passed really well.

I am hesitant to speak ill of my job, but today was hellish. There were hundreds of people there for CatFest. It was a zoo. I stayed out of public areas as much as possible. Large crowds make me very uncomfortable. But I made it. And it's the weekend now. Whew.

However, I don't get to sleep in. Tomorrow is Gay Rodeo! The boys and I are manning a booth for free admission. It should be grand.

I can lift a lot lately. But I need to work out, like, actually, and stuff.

Yay thigh hair. And boo acne.

I got my Jonsi hoodie yesterday. And a new binder. That's going to be killer to break in during the summer.

I will post a photo of the hoodie. cos it's fantastic.

Just watched Charlie Bartlett. It was astounding. New favorite movie for sure.

As far as transition stuff: I have terrible acne. It's unlike any acne I've had previously. It's gross and I don't know what to do about it...

I got new cheap shoes for work. They look like chucks, but aren't.

I went out with an old friend from college today. It was really nice to catch up. I was included in a "ladies" though. Oh well.

My friend told me I'm looking more straight. She was referring to my body shape, but I decided to take moderate offense. It was nice to hear though.

I have nothing further to add today.

I was told to post a photo:

13 weeks

So it's 13 weeks, but it's also perhaps more officially 3 months, as I started T on April 5 and it is now July 5. I've vlogged about it. Twice in fact. The first one is low on sound, the second more concise. I'll probably take the first one down at some point, but I cannot be bothered right now.

Today I hung out with an old friend. It was good to reconnect. It was also good to be affirmed in who I am. Sometimes I overthink this whole process and wonder if I'm making the correct decision. Then I find people who tell me that I seem more at ease, more like me. And it renews my resolve. It's great to have those sort of people in my life for sure.

I think we're entering a time where there may be more transpeople simply because it's more understood and accepted. This generation is (generally) more go-with-the-flow. And I think that there have always probably been the same number of transpeople, but now more will feel comfortable actually transitioning. Just a thought.

My internet was down last night. So here's the recap:

Yesterday, being the Fourth, was full of festivities. It also rained. So I started off the day with a couple huge mimosas and a great Scottish egg breakfast. When I say the mimosas were huge, you must believe me. The place my friends and I frequent serves drinks in schooners. They are 32 ounces or so. And I had 3 mimosas in a couple of hours. A grand start to the day.

We then hung out at the park for a little while until it got a bit too wet and we decided to go for ice cream. I had Guinness chocolate ice cream.

We did some other things before settling under an awning to wait for the fireworks. It was pouring down rain and I was rather wet, (not the good kind). But the fireworks finally did happen, and though they were not as spectacular as they might have been sans rain, it was a good show.

And then I went home, warmed up and went to bed.

That's the day's rundown.

I napped today and my parents were in my dream. There was some sort of disagreement (that was unspecified) and my mother essentially disowned me. My dad was leading me around by the hand, and I was a kid again.

Guh. Issues much?

I will vlog Monday. About hair.

I have a lovely boy. He makes each of my days brighter.

So today at work, the one coworker (who I adore) who hasn't quite switched pronouns yet, used "he" twice. Once was after someone else had already said it and the other was after she'd already used "she". She corrected it without even drawing attention to it. It was fantastic. I love her.

And I got a bill from my insurance today. Seems they aren't going to cover my doctor's visits for some unknown reason. Makes me mad though. I thought I'd be able to start seriously saving money. Nope. Not a chance...

Upon further inspection, this is an Explanation of Benefits. But seems to indicate that that all of the charged services are disallowed. Does that mean there is a bill to follow?

I have been in a dark mood these last two days. I hope it goes away soon. I think a lot of it is linked to the way I treat my body. I need to start being way more healthy consistently. I think I have more disphoria than I consciously notice. And so my body makes me a bit depressed which makes me want to eat and lie around. So it's a bad cycle that I need to get out of. Also still dealing with my unresolved friend issues of my recent past. Hopefully it won't haunt me forever.

Mostly, I am doing well though. Besides my head trying to kill me, I'm pretty content. I have a lovely boy to keep my days from being boring. I have good friends of every variety. I have a job that pays me well enough. I have plans of travel. I am getting my life together slowly.