Be the Change
A catalogue of translife.
Tuesday, April 5, 2022
12 years on Testosterone
Thursday, January 20, 2022
I'm Alive and Continuing to Change
I have not posted here in a very long time. That's mostly because my transition has been in a sort of stasis. I'm aging and dealing with things that come along with that. My body aching, etc.
My hair has been thinning increasingly these past few years. I began taking finasteride last July in attempts to curb that and retain what I have left. I don't have a bald spot or even a drastically receding hairline, just very thin, fine hair which I now just keep very short out of necessity.
I am not super happy with the overal asthetic results of my chest surgery. It definitely did the trick of flattening my chest, but the nipples are strange shapes and misaligned. I've gained roughtly 20 pounds since surgery, and while I can be okay with the excess fat in other areas, it makes my chest look wonky. Especially since there is more on one side than the other. Because of these things, I'm considering a revision. Possibly a double incision or anchor type to be sure to properly remove all the offending tissue and resize my nipples. I'm sure my pectus excavatum will be a hinderance, but I just want something that looks a bit more normal. I have had the thought over the years that the double incision scars are such a trans masculine standard that I'm sort of sad to not be a part of.
Other news: I'm scheduled for a full hysterectomy (full = ovaries, fallopians, uterus and cervix removal). This is something I never really considered as a thing I'd go through with, as the organs themselves don't really bother me. I have an IUD and it certainly serves its purpose, but I do gets some unpleasant cramping after sex in certain positions. I should be (and have been) on a lower dose of testosterone. When I was, years ago, I ended up getting a menstrual cycle back a couple of times and that was horrifying. Especially because it was unexpected. I'd like to go back to the lower T dose for a couple of reasons. One, it might affect my hair loss in a positive way. I also might be able to finally leave the acne behind. I am not certain the origin, but I have never been without acne. It was very bad for my fist puberty in my teens and again for a couple years after starting testosterone, but it has never gone away. Perhaps a lower T dose will help.
There are a couple of worries I have with this surgery. I have heard wildly different recovery times. From back to work in 4 days to 6 weeks off in bed. I know it varies by individual. I will abide my my surgeon's suggestions. I tend to heal up quickly with minimal pain. I've had 2 rounds of chest surgery, a rotator cuff repair, an appendectomy, and a toe surgery within the last 5 years. I've been back to work (without heavy lifting) in 2 weeks or less for every one of them.
Another worry is sex. Abstinence post op. Lubrication. Sensation. I won't detail everything, but it's definitely a concern. Again, one that has so meny varied experiences.
Lastly, I will not ever have the option of stopping testosterone. I have vague worries of societal collapse or being stranded on a desert island or some such. I mean, I guess in those scenarios, I'd have a lot of other things to worry about and can expect a shorter lifespan to result from a variety of causes.
Summary: pros of the operation are lowering my T dose to possibly help with hairloss and acne. Stopping internal cramping and potential menstruation and pregnancy. No chance of a couple kinds of cancers. Cons are post op healing and abstinence. Possible adjustments in regards to sex. Potential catastophic affects of being hormone-less longterm.
I'll try to update this as I'm healing up.
Thursday, April 5, 2018
8 years
Tuesday, April 4, 2017
7 years on testosterone comparison
Tuesday, March 7, 2017
Chest update
One thing I'm a bit disappointed about is that my nipples don't have much feeling. One reason this variant of surgery was so preferable for me was that the nipples were not grafted on, so they tend to retain (or regain) feeling. So far that is not the case with me. It certainly doesn't make me regret the decision in any way, but it is sort of disappointing. Though, there is always the possibility that I'll regain feeling. It is a process.
Thursday, April 21, 2016
transition never ends.
Also I realized today that though I'd like to lose some pudge from my middle, I really like the look and feel of my chest in a t-shirt. It's a novel thing. A very right thing. I loved having a flat chest for the first time (since I was 12) when I started binding, but this is better. The contours. I can actually see that I have muscle. I don't have to feel self-conscious about my binder showing through light colors or thin shirts. After the first surgery I stopped binding, but I never felt very comfortable simply because there was still some strange shapes going on. So while the feeling was good, I didn't approve of the look. But I do now. My next step is fitness and a final nipple revision so perhaps I can have this same feeling with a bare chest.
Anyhow, as the title suggests, there is no end to transition. It is always progressing. I am always becoming more me.
Tuesday, April 5, 2016
6 years on Testosterone
I got had my first chest surgery about a year ago and it has been a great year without a binder. I have noticed that my back acne has cleared up amazingly since not having that constriction. After my surgery about a month ago, it's amazing to be able to run and move without any bouncing of my chest besides some muscle. I now feel very comfortable wearing tighter and thinner shirts. I am not completely healed up yet: not quite comfortable enough to go without a shirt, but close. Just a bit more healing up and some working out, haha.
This journey is expensive and difficult, but so very worth it.
I have had amazing friends who have supported me in all ways; emotionally, financially, physically. This process really could not have been any smoother.
So as far as my mental transition checklist goes, it seems I've crossed nearly everything off.
Testosterone
Chest surgery (besides one more possible tiny revision)
Gender and name on ID
Gender and name on Passport
Name changed on all accounts and documents
The only minor things I haven't done and probably won't do are to change my birth certificate in any way and to change my gender on health insurance (who knows if/when I may need that to match my physical body).
At this time I have no plans for any further surgeries, which my bank account greatly approves.
Thanks for joining me on my journey.
Tuesday, March 15, 2016
I am happy with the results so far. Slightly disappointed in my nipple appearance, but I'm sure it will fade. I am super happy that I am flat. As flat as my strange chest bones allow.
I will post comparison photos in a month or so after more healing has happened.
Wednesday, March 2, 2016
Day of Surgery
So I went into surgery knowing pretty much exactly what would happen. And that I'd be awake for it. But knowledge is different from experience.
First, the surgeon marked on my chest and told me that he'd be leaving some or most of the remaining breast/fatty tissue intact and just try to contour it so it helps smooth out my pectus excavatum. This worried me, as that's the reason I still had the tissue in the first place and it wasn't in the right area to do as he said it should. But of course I let him do as he thought best.
He numbed me up with lidocaine and got right to it. A couple of times I let him know that I felt a pinch and he'd pull out the syringe again. Mostly I just felt pressure though. It was the absolutely strangest thing ever. Not unlike the dentist in that you don't feel pain, only some pressure. But different in that I could tell he was cutting off soft tissue. And I could feel the stitches pulling tight.
The surgeon started on my right side, trimming the excess skin away. Then he "purse stitched" the remaining nipple area to the other area and drew the edges together. Again, strangest feeling ever. He then realized that my pectus would not allow his grand plan to work and decided he'd have to go back in to remove most of the remaining tissue. Then the gathering process all over again. *shudder*
The left side was much smoother, as he knew what he needed to do, and there was no back-tracking. Again there were a couple of occasions where I could feel a pinch of pain, but generally, just the pressure of cutting and sewing.
During the whole process- which took close two hours- the surgeon, his nurse and I talked about a number of things. We discussed politics predominantly. He talked about how he went to caucus last night and how inefficient the process seemed. I told him that I chickened out when I saw the crowds. We discussed how appalling and unbelievable the whole idea of Trump is. He made and interesting point about how perhaps this country/ the republican party needs to hit rock bottom (i.e. Trump) in order to rebuild into something more manageable. An interesting point, but I'd rather not get there.
We also discussed trail running, as my surgeon is super fit, and apparently runs Mount Sanitas on his lunch breaks. It's only about 3 miles, but it's steep and rated as strenuous. He also has a tendency to do Iron Man races. So yeah. We discussed how I'd like to do some official trail races and I know someone who is running the Leadville 100. He said something to the effect that 100 miles is just too long. I asked him if he'd done any ultramarathons and the answer was yes, a few 50 milers. So apparently, he has a limit. Cool.
We also briefly discussed his cat problem. He had two cats for a few years that were litter mates and recently one of them disappeared (likely eaten by a wild animal), so he got a kitten under the assumption that the older cat needed company. Apparently the older cat is quite unhappy about the new addition and seeks out ways to attack her. My doctor says the kitten sleeps on the bed with him and his wife and if they don't close the door, the other cat will sneak in and pounce on the kitten, waking everyone up with sudden yowls. An amusing image to be sure, but certainly a real problem too. I mentioned that I know female cats to be pretty territorial, but I don't know many tricks to make them play nice. The wife has already decided to call an animal behaviorist. Hopefully that helps.
So now I'm back home, wrapped up in an ace bandage, waiting for the lidocaine to wear off fully. I have a prescription for norco if needed, but I think I'll be okay with ibuprofen. I will probably have some swelling and bruising, hence the compression wrap. I am allowed to shower after 24 hours, and I have to keep wrapped until I can go in to see him in two weeks. I cannot wait to take the bandages off tomorrow to see how it looks.
All will be well and I'm excited to be near the end.
Tuesday, March 1, 2016
Chest Surgery Round Two
This surgery will be quicker and I'll be awake for it. The surgeon will resize the areola and take in any excess skin. There will also be some slight liposuction to get rid of the remaining fatty tissue. I'll finally be flat! My nipples will be the appropriate size and in the appropriate place. I will not have to have any drains, and the recovery should be much easier.
I've been working pretty hard on my pectoral muscles, hopefully my surgeon will have no problem contouring my chest.
I could have had this second surgery as soon as three months after the first one, but it ended up being almost a whole year after, due to work schedule and money. It will be over soon though. And I can work on my torso tan this summer (so long as I first work on tightening up my middle).
I will be taking some before photos, and once I'm healed up I'll be sure to post some comparisons from before the first surgery to now to after the whole process is complete. I'm hopeful about the results.
Check out my tumblr for routine updates.
Monday, February 8, 2016
Surgery Round 2
I should be feeling more about this. The money is minimal, comparatively, so that's not even a blip this time. I won't be under general anesthesia, so I won't have much to recover from on the day of. I will be out of work for about a week and a half, and the minimal activity will likely upset me. But supposedly it will heal a bit faster this time around. And it will be me. My final form if you will. Ignoring my pectus excavatum, I'll finally have a truly flat chest. I'll feel comfortable in tighter shirts or even without one (if I can get my waistline to cooperate).
Since I made the appointment, I've been making it a point to work out my chest so there is decent definition. Also for the month of February, I've quit sugar and alcohol cold turkey. Not specifically for surgery, but it won't hurt. And not drinking is super easy, even when people around me drink. The sugar thing is super hard though. I allow myself lots of fruit and some honey in things to keep me stable.
Anyhow, I guess things on this blog will be heating up again in less than a month's time.
Friday, November 13, 2015
I asked my boss when a good time to take a week and a half off would be and she said not til early January because we're still slammed and short staffed. Hopefully by then there will be a lower animal population and we'll have new people all (or mostly) trained up.
Saturday, November 7, 2015
The recovery time will supposedly be a bit shorter than the first one. I am trying to store up enough PTO for about a week and a half, which, with weekends added will be adequate. Work is really rough right now as we're very short staffed and the population is very high, so I don't know if they will even approve a long absence as I'm one of very few staff who have been around long enough to train new people properly. So with that and insurance, I may have to wait until January. I was hoping for early December.
I want to get it done in the winter so everything will be healed up for next summer. Hiking, swimming, running. I am excited to work out and be comfortable without a shirt.
I need to start paying more attention to my diet and exercise again. The change of seasons really messed it up for me.
Tuesday, June 9, 2015
chest update
Tuesday, June 2, 2015
two months post op
I should easily have the money for the second surgery by early Fall. I am hoping that the healing time and swelling for that one won't be as long. It seems I've traded having large scars for having a very long recovery, not to mention spending more money.
Tuesday, April 28, 2015
four weeks
My flex spending account funds finally came through. I was denied at first because they called it a cosmetic procedure. So I had to call my doctor and have her write me a letter of medical necessity. They immediately paid. I've been in the process of paying everyone back for contributing to my fund. Actually, many people are refusing to be repaid. This blows me away. I appreciate my friends so much. I now have about 2/3 of the funds for the next surgery, so it may not be as long a wait as I dreaded.
Tuesday, April 21, 2015
Three weeks post op
There is still swelling, but not nearly so much so I am confident that it is indeed subsiding. The second surgery with tighten up any skin that doesn't do so on its own in the months between surgeries. The areola will also be resized, leaving me only with small scars around the nipples that will be neatly hidden by the skin tone changes.
Now if I could just get back to running and eating healthfully, I'd feel so much better about my body. However, I tried to run yesterday and it hurt my chest because of the bouncing, so a bit longer on that.
Wednesday, April 15, 2015
I keep taking photos every now and then to compare. Someday, when it's all done and I feel confident, I'll likely post some of them for comparison to catalog the process.
Honestly, I'm a bit discouraged with the visual results so far. I can wear a t-shirt and it looks mostly normal, but I still feel odd about it when I move certain ways. And without a shirt is definitely not an option. I know it's a process and I knew going in, that it would be incomplete until the second surgery. But that doesn't stop me from being impatient and slightly disappointed.
Tuesday, April 7, 2015
A week and change.
Anyhow, I feel much better and it's amazing to sit around in a t-shirt. What a feeling to not have to deal with layers. This summer is going to be great.
Sunday, April 5, 2015
5 years
These five years have been some of the best I've ever had. It's really great to comfortable in my presentation. I am super excited to no longer have to bind. Next year the comparisons will be fantastic.
Have I mentioned that I hate the drains? I am so ready for them to be gone. I'm also going crazy with inactivity. I want to hike. I want to run. I want to do push ups. Ah well. Soon, I'm sure.
Saturday, April 4, 2015
Post Op day 6
Friday, April 3, 2015
Post Op Day 5
I’m pretty swollen, especially toward the abyss in the center of my chest, so the reveal wasn’t as amazing as I’d hoped, but in time the swelling will leave and then I can enjoy a comparatively flat chest.
Everything is pretty numb, with some slight tingling sensations when touched. It's a very odd feeling. No pain to speak up, but definite discomfort where the drains are inserted.
The reality hasn’t really hit me yet. Probably because the swelling makes it so that there isn’t a huge difference in size (yet). Also, I have to keep a tight wrap around my chest for a couple more weeks, so it still just seems like I’m binding.
I took some photos, but I am unwilling to share them just yet, I feel really self-conscious. Mostly because I know it’s all still swollen and funky, but also because it’s such a new idea to me to share photos of my chest. Once the healing is much further along, I’ll definitely share.
It looks much different than any other ftm chest surgery results I’ve seen personally. Because it was the peri-areolar technique, the incisions are only a couple inches long under the nipples. I have been used to seeing two long incisions that span nearly the whole chest. I think this method will be very good in the long run because of the slight scarring, but for now, it seems as though hardly anything was actually accomplished.
Thursday, April 2, 2015
Post Op day 4
Wednesday, April 1, 2015
Post Op Day 3
I had a memory of waking up from anesthesia. My entire body was shaking like it does when I used to drink too much. I remember trying to explain to them that it's not an unusual thing to happen to me.
People are being really awesome. I've had some friends come visit and hang out. Everyone has been texting me and sending nice messages on facebook and tumblr. It's nice to have support and love and well-wishes.
I have a nagging fear of my mother. I really just think that things will be best if she never knows of this. I have no intention of telling her, and I certainly hope no one else does, as it is my business and mine alone.
Tuesday, March 31, 2015
Post Op day 2
So far so good. Bit more tender today than yesterday but not as bad as I’d feared.