transition never ends.

Even after six years I can still note some changes. My mustache is finally connecting to my beard. And is generally still just filling in. It's very exciting. I always wanted Aragorn stubble. But I figured it may be out of my reach just due to the denseness. But I'm on my way! Too bad I can never stand my hair being longer than a couple of inches.

Also I realized today that though I'd like to lose some pudge from my middle, I really like the look and feel of my chest in a t-shirt. It's a novel thing. A very right thing. I loved having a flat chest for the first time (since I was 12) when I started binding, but this is better. The contours. I can actually see that I have muscle. I don't have to feel self-conscious about my binder showing through light colors or thin shirts. After the first surgery I stopped binding, but I never felt very comfortable simply because there was still some strange shapes going on. So while the feeling was good, I didn't approve of the look. But I do now. My next step is fitness and a final nipple revision so perhaps I can have this same feeling with a bare chest.

Anyhow, as the title suggests, there is no end to transition. It is always progressing. I am always becoming more me.

6 years on Testosterone

Today marks the sixth anniversary of my medical transition. Not a lot has changed hormonally in the last few years.

I got had my first chest surgery about a year ago and it has been a great year without a binder. I have noticed that my back acne has cleared up amazingly since not having that constriction. After my surgery about a month ago, it's amazing to be able to run and move without any bouncing of my chest besides some muscle. I now feel very comfortable wearing tighter and thinner shirts. I am not completely healed up yet: not quite comfortable enough to go without a shirt, but close. Just a bit more healing up and some working out, haha.



This journey is expensive and difficult, but so very worth it.

I have had amazing friends who have supported me in all ways; emotionally, financially, physically. This process really could not have been any smoother.

So as far as my mental transition checklist goes, it seems I've crossed nearly everything off.

Testosterone
Chest surgery (besides one more possible tiny revision)
Gender and name on ID
Gender and name on Passport
Name changed on all accounts and documents

The only minor things I haven't done and probably won't do are to change my birth certificate in any way and to change my gender on health insurance (who knows if/when I may need that to match my physical body).

At this time I have no plans for any further surgeries, which my bank account greatly approves.

Thanks for joining me on my journey.

It's been about two weeks since the second surgery, and all seems to be healing up fine. Doctor has cleared me for all activities. I will go back to see him in a few months to see how everything has healed. I may need another small procedure to make the nipples smaller or symmetrical.

I am happy with the results so far. Slightly disappointed in my nipple appearance, but I'm sure it will fade. I am super happy that I am flat. As flat as my strange chest bones allow.

I will post comparison photos in a month or so after more healing has happened.

Day of Surgery

This gets graphic. You've been warned.

So I went into surgery knowing pretty much exactly what would happen. And that I'd be awake for it. But knowledge is different from experience.

First, the surgeon marked on my chest and told me that he'd be leaving some or most of the remaining breast/fatty tissue intact and just try to contour it so it helps smooth out my pectus excavatum. This worried me, as that's the reason I still had the tissue in the first place and it wasn't in the right area to do as he said it should. But of course I let him do as he thought best.

He numbed me up with lidocaine and got right to it. A couple of times I let him know that I felt a pinch and he'd pull out the syringe again. Mostly I just felt pressure though. It was the absolutely strangest thing ever. Not unlike the dentist in that you don't feel pain, only some pressure. But different in that I could tell he was cutting off soft tissue. And I could feel the stitches pulling tight.

The surgeon started on my right side, trimming the excess skin away. Then he "purse stitched" the remaining nipple area to the other area and drew the edges together. Again, strangest feeling ever. He then realized that my pectus would not allow his grand plan to work and decided he'd have to go back in to remove most of the remaining tissue. Then the gathering process all over again. *shudder*

The left side was much smoother, as he knew what he needed to do, and there was no back-tracking. Again there were a couple of occasions where I could feel a pinch of pain, but generally, just the pressure of cutting and sewing.

During the whole process- which took close two hours- the surgeon, his nurse and I talked about a number of things. We discussed politics predominantly. He talked about how he went to caucus last night and how inefficient the process seemed. I told him that I chickened out when I saw the crowds. We discussed how appalling and unbelievable the whole idea of Trump is. He made and interesting point about how perhaps this country/ the republican party needs to hit rock bottom (i.e. Trump) in order to rebuild into something more manageable. An interesting point, but I'd rather not get there.

We also discussed trail running, as my surgeon is super fit, and apparently runs Mount Sanitas on his lunch breaks. It's only about 3 miles, but it's steep and rated as strenuous. He also has a tendency to do Iron Man races. So yeah. We discussed how I'd like to do some official trail races and I know someone who is running the Leadville 100. He said something to the effect that 100 miles is just too long. I asked him if he'd done any ultramarathons and the answer was yes, a few 50 milers. So apparently, he has a limit. Cool.

We also briefly discussed his cat problem. He had two cats for a few years that were litter mates and recently one of them disappeared (likely eaten by a wild animal), so he got a kitten under the assumption that the older cat needed company. Apparently the older cat is quite unhappy about the new addition and seeks out ways to attack her. My doctor says the kitten sleeps on the bed with him and his wife and if they don't close the door, the other cat will sneak in and pounce on the kitten, waking everyone up with sudden yowls. An amusing image to be sure, but certainly a real problem too. I mentioned that I know female cats to be pretty territorial, but I don't know many tricks to make them play nice. The wife has already decided to call an animal behaviorist. Hopefully that helps.

So now I'm back home, wrapped up in an ace bandage, waiting for the lidocaine to wear off fully. I have a prescription for norco if needed, but I think I'll be okay with ibuprofen. I will probably have some swelling and bruising, hence the compression wrap. I am allowed to shower after 24 hours, and I have to keep wrapped until I can go in to see him in two weeks. I cannot wait to take the bandages off tomorrow to see how it looks.

All will be well and I'm excited to be near the end.

Chest Surgery Round Two

Tomorrow I go for my second chest surgery. I knew from the beginning that this would be a two-surgery process. The first surgery was nearly a year ago. I was anesthetized fully and most the breast tissue and most of the fatty tissue was removed from my chest via small incisions under my nipples. I had drain tubes. The purpose of that one was to decrease the size and allow my skin's elasticity to reduce any droopiness that often occurs when the whole process is done in one surgery.

This surgery will be quicker and I'll be awake for it. The surgeon will resize the areola and take in any excess skin. There will also be some slight liposuction to get rid of the remaining fatty tissue. I'll finally be flat! My nipples will be the appropriate size and in the appropriate place. I will not have to have any drains, and the recovery should be much easier. 

I've been working pretty hard on my pectoral muscles, hopefully my surgeon will have no problem contouring my chest. 

I could have had this second surgery as soon as three months after the first one, but it ended up being almost a whole year after, due to work schedule and money. It will be over soon though. And I can work on my torso tan this summer (so long as I first work on tightening up my middle).

I will be taking some before photos, and once I'm healed up I'll be sure to post some comparisons from before the first surgery to now to after the whole process is complete. I'm hopeful about the results. 

Check out my tumblr for routine updates.

Surgery Round 2

I scheduled my second surgery a few weeks ago. The office visit version for less than half the price. It's March 2. I was going to have my roommate/coworker drive me to Boulder and back that day, but as chance would have it, work has a mandatory all-staff meeting that day. I am excused, as I scheduled before this was announced, but roommate is not, so I think I convinced a friend to take that afternoon off to act as chauffeur.

I should be feeling more about this. The money is minimal, comparatively, so that's not even a blip this time. I won't be under general anesthesia, so I won't have much to recover from on the day of. I will be out of work for about a week and a half, and the minimal activity will likely upset me. But supposedly it will heal a bit faster this time around. And it will be me. My final form if you will. Ignoring my pectus excavatum, I'll finally have a truly flat chest. I'll feel comfortable in tighter shirts or even without one (if I can get my waistline to cooperate).

Since I made the appointment, I've been making it a point to work out my chest so there is decent definition. Also for the month of February, I've quit sugar and alcohol cold turkey. Not specifically for surgery, but it won't hurt. And not drinking is super easy, even when people around me drink. The sugar thing is super hard though. I allow myself lots of fruit and some honey in things to keep me stable.

Anyhow, I guess things on this blog will be heating up again in less than a month's time.