2 months

It's odd to realize how long it's been since I began. It doesn't seem like it should be two months. It is at once a very long time and no time at all. I know I've gained quite a lot of muscle. I really need to work on shedding the fat and gaining more of that. I don't mind the weight gain so long as it's appropriate.

I forgot to apply my dose last night. I wasn't home much. I have been having far too much fun drinking this week. It's great therapy. I have been running on very little sleep, yet I feel so energized. Being alone and succumbing to the daily grind is depressing and makes me more tired that lack of sleep. It will catch me though.

There is so much drama I wish to avoid, but keep running into. It used to be that it was never mine, now it belongs to me as well as everyone else. I wish to shed it.

Five out of six nights out drinking past midnight. I may regret this later, but for now, it's really only energizing me.

I did opt to cut my weekend short and work for some holiday pay. It will be okay really. I'll just come back and sleep. Or sleep next month.

I wasn't really home yesterday for a photo, so here is one from work a few days back. I was cleaning a quarantined kitten room.

I love my friends. I also love weekends. I get to stay up all hours (not unusual) and sleep in (quite unusual).

I hope to try out my pool and swim binder tomorrow (today).

Ladyhawke is the soundtrack to my life right now.

I want a flat chest so badly! But I do not want the scars, the lack of sensation, the cost. I was watching post surgery videos on youtube and almost started crying. It's such a happy thing. But not quite right for me. yet.

I was going to swim today, test out my swim binder, but there were people in the pool and I chickened out. Perhaps another time when I have a friend.

I don't sleep much anymore, but it's changed from the thinking-too-much sort of insomnia to the hanging-out with-friends sort. It's certainly acceptable.

Things are good. I'm optimistic this evening/early morning.

I haven't been running which sort of bums me out, but I've been out late with pals and otherwise generally lazy. I'll get back to it. Surely.

Found a few chest hairs. Vaguely awkward...

I think my emotions are stabilizing now that my hormones are not warring as much. I think the hormones were the main reason I've been so off these last few days. I mean, shit's happened, but I reacted pretty intensely.

Found Ladyhawke and I'm in love.

My boss likes my 'hawk, so that's good.

Hanging out with the other transguys is fantastic. It's cool to see the spectrum and the various levels of transition. Affirmed my knowledge that I'm not a straight guy. Just wholly queer.

I need to call my therapist.

I have the beginnings of my Chaco tan!

It was a bad day that ended well, thanks to friends. Being alone would only have led to too much emo poetry. And right now, I need to stay positive and get out of that slump.

I can tell that my face is changing. People have made comments on my jaw squaring. I've only just begun to notice.

7 weeks

Pt 1
In my melancholy moods of late, I've been thinking a lot about what I'm getting myself into. Being between genders or switching genders is risky on so many levels. The medical transition itself has its risks, then there's the problem of finding healthcare in general. And avoiding hate crimes. And getting and keeping jobs. And finding understanding friends. And finding a significant other. And really we who are outside the binary have to think about the risks of everyday, mundane life that most people have no second thoughts about.

When I first discussed my trans status with my parents, my dad mentioned that being a man wasn't easy. And he's right. Of course, I don't really consider myself a man, nor do I really want to be considered one, but the idea is that transitioning will not solve my problems. And I know this. It's certainly something I've thought about at some length. Transition does not necessarily make my life easier, but it does make me more at ease with my life. Now I have to deal with the aforementioned risks, but I don't have to worry about lying to myself and others.

Pt 2
It's odd to find my friends groups shifting. I never identified as a lesbian, but many of my closest friends do. So I was sort of grouped in with them and it was fine for the most part. But now that I'm transitioning, that group is even more obviously not me. I feel vaguely out of place in rooms full of dykes. I've been hanging around with more transguys and that's certainly my identifying group. But not all transguys have the same interests either. Some identify as straight, some as gay and others as whatever. My favorite thing to do is mix my friend groups. I used to do it all of the time with my CCU friends and my queer friends. Now it's more my lesbian friends and my trans friends. Some fun times there for sure. I'm glad that I can sort of be that bridge between all of those things.

Pt 3
I'm mostly happy with my body's changes. I'm enjoying the increased muscles, the facial changes. The voice deepening (though it hasn't done much yet). Some of the hair. I really like the hair coming in, it's fabulous. However, the men in my family are quite hairy. I'm not sure I really want to be. I guess I'll have to learn to 'manscape'. I don't really enjoy the increase in body odor and sweat, but it's easy to deal with. I am slightly discontent with the fat being redistributed to my gut, but I will deal with that rigorously (someday).

Lazy day. Hung out with some friends I used to hang out with regularly but haven't for a few weeks. It was nice. I didn't get drunk and I didn't overspend, so really, all was well. Vague awkwardity with one individual, I'm hoping that will pass with time.

Working on my tan. Passing regularly. I was at a party with mostly lesbians and the lone male took me for a fellow, though a gay one. It was happy for me. I find it hard to react well to being he'd by strangers though because I want to paste a huge smile on my face and tip them. Instead, I have to play it cool and natural if I wish to continue to pass. Fun times though, for sure.

Well, I've gained about 10 pounds in the past month or so. I know most of it is muscle, but I'm not convinced all of it is. The redistribution of fat thing is really sort of weirding me out. I really need to watch what I eat. And also run more. And maybe get size medium shirts instead of smalls. Bigger muscles and bigger gut equals awkward fitting shirts...

Why yes, I do cut my own hair, how can you tell?

Today, my body decided to prove its hatred of me through menstruation. And apparently when hormones war with one another, pain increases. Not a good day. Hopefully it won't last.

Almost the weekend. Though I've not much to look forward to except sleep. I haven't the money to go out. I haven't the emotional energy to be with groups of people. I tried that.I'm a bit of a paradox in that way. I confuse myself. I feel so lonely, but people often make the feeling grow instead of diminish.

My photo today is like most of the others. A webcam photo taken just for this blog. Today is slightly different. You see, I've the house to myself for a few days. Also, I look a lot like my brother.

Dark mood. Watched Interview with the Vampire alone in a dark house. Fantastic stuff. I'd never seen that one before. They sure don't make vampires like they used too...

Dealing with loneliness again. I know I shouldn't be lonely. I really have no reason to be. I've got plenty of friends. I need to be okay with being by myself. I need to learn to live with myself. I need to find some real connection too, though. Everything seems so superficial. And it's good for awhile, but it's no substitute for profundity.

As far as trans stuff goes: my hands are meatier. I can see and feel the muscle between my thumb and forefinger.

Noticed changes in my legs today. Muscles are surely different. Just a bit bigger and moved around to more masculine shape. Not to mention more hairy.

Sort of a strange day, actually strange week. I feel a bit melancholy, but don't really have a reason to feel that way.

Cut sugar out of my diet again. For real. And not completely, cos that's quite difficult. But I no longer allow myself to purchase it. And I will limit my intake by other means. I think it will help me feel better about my health. I've sort of been anxious about my body changing and all that. And diabetes is prevalent in my family.

I've had the world on my brain lately. I haven't been out of the country since 2007. I haven't really done anything of worth since the summer after I graduated (2008). I've just been working jobs that are interesting, but unrelated to my degree and my real call in life.

I've been at this job just shy of a year. I really do like it in many ways, but it's beginning to wear on me for sure. It's just not my place. I don't have compassion for animals to the extent most of the others do. I tend to reserve my empathy for humanity. It is a great place to transition though. The support I've found there has been invaluable. I don't know that many other jobs would have been so gracious to one such as me. For that, I am thankful.

Today I noticed nose hairs. Odd. And also sort of ew.

Aaand, I introduced myself as "Laura" today. Realized it partway though the word and almost couldn't finish the sentence. Haven't done that in years. I think the main reason I did so was because I was working with someone of the same name most of the day.

Definitely notable muscle mass increase, and hair increase. I've also noticed emotional changes. My emotions are more intense but also abrupt. I wrote some emo poetry about it here. Generally, I am able to recognize my emotions and set them aside if I need too. Sometimes they well up, but I've not broken anything, or collapsed in a sobbing heap for quite some time, so I think it's an improvement.

Someone told me I need to update my YouTube, so I have.

fin.

(this photo was from two days ago. I cheated)

6 weeks

I feel like there really just isn't much to update. Things are going. I generally pass. Though it is notably harder to pass in queer spaces. I think my voice is changing, but I cannot really tell. I need to really work on getting/staying fit. The new metabolism and redistribution of fat is not treating me well. So I am seriously not going to be purchasing sweets. And hopefully I'll be able to run regularly this week. It's not supposed to rain.

I'm in the process of writing about what foxes mean to me. It will be complete soon, coinciding with my new tattoo healing. Epic.

Today's photos is a remake of the first photo. I think there are some visible changes.

Late again. Been out cavorting with pals. Wouldn't have it any other way. I do need to remember not to get online after a night of drinking. I'm glad I didn't try to update last night...

Spent too much. Ah well.

Random dude on the street gave my roommate dog mace. Wow.

I pass. The end.

oooo, and I have a photo from yesterday, incidentally. I'm apparently the shit.

I eat far too much sugar. Yesterday, instead of getting drunk, I just got high on sugar. I bet the people at the Queen Soopers thought we were stoned. We came wandering in, straight to the cookies, pudding and baked goods. We talked loudly about what we wanted and we bought heaps of sugary goodness. It gave me such a headache. I really need to stop. Arg. I had been doing so well too.

Well, the rain stopped, so perhaps I'll run, or at least walk tomorrow. I guess I intend to walk up to the bar anyhow. I would bike, but I daftly bought the wrong size tube to replace the ruptured one. I suppose I could drive to exchange that, then bike to the pub. Or just walk. We'll see how lazy I feel.

I feel lazy regularly. I just want to eat. And sit. And stay on the internet for the rest of my life. Luckily I do have to go to my job and be active. Luckily I have friends to spend some time with.

I have been having internet problems. By that, I mean, the wireless connection that I steal was down all day yesterday. So now I'm catching up.

And I've nothing to say really. Yesterday some friends and I went to a Polish restaurant. And then to a leather bar.

I am so glad the weekend is upon us.

Due to the rain, I haven't been able to run in the mornings. Instead, I've just been eating a lot. However, the hunger did return for a couple of days which was sort of cool. I don't think I've done anything different.

I'm pretty excited for the pool in our complex to open for the season. I do like to swim, and now that I have a swim binder, my life is almost complete.

Watched "Boys Don't Cry." It's a misnomer. I cried. It was a rather horrible movie... Hilary Swank passes really well though.

Feeling a bit better about life. Got some things cleared up, I think. Got some Strongbow in me.

Getting more hairy. I'm okay with that. Feeling sorry for myself because I don't have much money for the next two weeks due to my prescription. I'll live though.

Feeling strong. Can very easily lift the 50lbs of cat litter over my head. It's fun.

Found Robyn. Why hasn't anyone told me of her previously? Really, c'mon!

Realize one of my biggest workouts is getting into my binder. Good god.

I love that I found the Denver transguys. My life is so much more complete.

I punched a wall. Bruised my knuckle.

Bleach fell on my leg. Not like, spilled, but a gallon fell and gave me a huge lump.

My tattoo oozed dark goo under the saran wrap all day. It was gross. Better than it getting all infected though.

Here's a photo. It isn't all red or shiny, so I'll post it.

5 weeks

I was supposed to have a period sometime last week, but didn't. Just another tangible effect of the T.

I got puncture wounds today. Very nice. I love it when artists can read minds. Won't be showing it off til it's healed though. And I realized that I can only put T on my left arm now. Not a problem.

It was suggested that my Jewish buddy and I write a play or story about our friendship. Because really, it is rather unique. We started off in the conservative Christian realm. He went toward drugs and stuff, then settled on Hasidic Judaism. I embraced my queerness and even a bit of kink and began transition. Yet we still are good friends. We enjoy a good stout pint and intelligent discourse. We like satirical humor and social commentary. I value him as a friend very much. I know he doesn't agree with or really understand where I'm going with my life, but really, the same could be said of me to him. We both are going to some extremes regarding our identities and through that we find some common ground. So perhaps we will try to collaborate and bring our experiences and communities together a bit. It could be really fun and interesting.

A person from the Census bureau came to the door just now. I gave her my 'new' name (that I haven't yet changed). And told her I couldn't pick a gender. She actually left it blank. Sort of cool. I think it flustered her a bit, though. Because she asked me twice. I said "I don't know" the first time and "I can't answer that" the second time. Made me laugh inside.

"pain without understanding is torture"

I need to learn to be okay with being alone. I'm not talking about being single (though I need to be okay with that also), but being in solitude. There was a time in my life (the first 18 years or so) where I only wanted to be left alone. I hung out with friends, and talked to my family, but I much preferred reading or writing alone in my room.

Now, I feel almost desolate when no one is around. It's sort of a problem. I try to fight the weight of the loneliness. I feel like I can do nothing about it. So I tend to make a nuisance of myself. I hound my absent friends. I pine a bit. I write some. I either work out until I'm exhausted or I eat until I nearly throw up. I don't quite know how to get a handle on it.

I guess I'm also dealing with a bit of a feeling of abandonment. My parents for one don't understand at all, and while my dad is trying, my mom is just a bit hostile. And the two closest friends I've ever had are drifting a bit. One is understandable because of distance and busy lives, the other, I do not understand. And it hurts.

Well, happy Mother's Day. I called her. I made sure to call when I knew she'd be out hiking or whatever. Left a message. It's best that way.

My life is not my transition.

It's obviously a big piece of me, especially currently, but it does not make up my whole. Currently, I feel slightly trapped in transition. It's definitely what I want, but I can do nothing else really. It's an all-or-nothing thing, and since I've begun, I must give my all. And it will be good. And it is good. But I itch to travel. By starting transition, I've made it slightly more difficult on several levels. One reason it's more difficult is the money. I'm currently spending over three hundred dollars a month on hormones alone. More if my insurance decides to be crappy and not cover the doc visits. This will be somewhat alleviated when I switch to injections, but there will always be a cost. Then there is the cost of changing all of my documentation. Several hundred dollars to be sure. And time. I don't know how long I have to wait, or what I have to do in order to get an endorsement from my doctor to change my gender marker. So I cannot really save for trips. I can only make it month to month and hope not to further deplete my measly savings. And wait.

Back to 'my life is not my transition' (because surely that's believable). I'm serious. I want to be out in the world. I want to be doing things for others. I want to be roughing it and making friends and eating new things and seeing new sights. I want to be alive. I feel so stagnant currently. My personal changes are exhilarating to be sure, but my scenery remains the same. Not that Colorado is a dull place by any means. I've just been here too long. I feel I've seen it all. Though I know that's not true. I guess I just need to get out more. Do more. Do more than drink.

Not that I think drinking is bad, it's generally rather therapeutic. But I've done it. I have some friends that I only know in the context of drinking. And that's just fine. But I also yearn for the deeper connections. The heart-to-hearts. The discussions of current events and passions and love. I do have a few (very few) people that I have those real conversations with. And I value those people so much. I suppose if I had many more, it may cheapen the experience, but I feel I've been losing them of late, so I need to bolster the count.

I was thinking today and the thought process made me a bit sad. When I last spoke to my parents on the phone, my mother asked what my old friends from the valley had to say about my transition. And I couldn't really give her an answer because I haven't talked to many of them about it directly. And it pains me to be sure. I suppose in my search for honesty and openness, I've skipped over the people from my past. The ones who have known me for a very long time. And I want to be honest with them. I am obviously not hiding anymore. Well, only hiding behind my blog, my words, the distance. I'm still apprehensive about any actual discussion on the matter. And it continues to make me sad. My closest friends from high school are no longer very close, and that happened with time and distance, but I've not made an effort to rectify any of it. I'm now at a loss as to how to approach the subject. I don't know how to relate to them as the person I am now. I know I am still the same person, but obviously a lot has changed.

And again, I am sad.

Today I sit in silence without music. Forcing the real thoughts to occur and not be drowned. Figuring out how I now deal with emotions. It's different now. I'm more easily able to function through intense emotion. I still feel it, I still write my emotion, but I can function, whereas previously it would sort of consume me. I like it in many ways, but it also sort of scares me. Where does that intensity go? What if I want it back?

PS: I love my roommate, she's the bombest person evar.

I do believe I'm getting more hairy. I notice most on my legs. And I haven't shaved my face in about a week, I think those hairs are a little darker too 'round the mustache area.

I really need to get a handle on my eating. The hunger turned into me just eating pretty much always without restraint. My body mass is changing in all sorts of ways. I've gained a lot of weight and I know most of it is muscle, but with the whole fat redistribution thing, I've also gained quite a belly. Ugh.

I've been running fairly regularly though. At least, more regularly than over the winter. Obviously. And I've been 'lifting' regularly as well. So I don't know. Just need to watch the diet... I have no self-control.

And I have an over-compensation problem.

lazy webcam photo again.

buuuugger. I feel old. I need to learn to not drink so much when I have work the following day...


I had to get a refill on my T. I have an appointment with my doc, but it's not for another month. So I broke the bank. The person at the pharmacy asked if I was using insurance. I said no. She then asked if I knew how much it was. I said yes. She looked sort of surprised that I would spend so much. Not like I have a choice.

When I went out yesterday, several people commented on the changes they can see. Mostly regarding my arms. It's really cool that things are tangible now. I mean, I live with the changes and so I don't notice much, but others can tell and that makes me happy.

bartender: (looks quizzically at my ID. I shrug) "Just keep doin' what you're doin'. I'm a gay boy and I think you're fuckin' hot."

Makes me very happy. For sure. I really need to get my purple shirt fitted. It's huge. It'll be awesome when it fits.


I found purple vet wrap for my tats...

Yesterday was fun. Hung out with an old friend. Got my tattoos touched up. Made an appointment for my next tattoo. Bought sunglasses. Eventful.

Today, work. Was she'd once. I don't correct people. Pretty soon they'll look like idiots to she me. I'll simply not fit the bill.

I was unable to call my doc because the day was hectic. I need to remember that Tuesdays are pretty busy at work.

People from the census bureau keep hounding me. I refused to fill it out and send it in because for the gender question they said in bold letters "choose ONE". I cannot do that. I really do hope I'm here when they stop by again. It would make my day to have one of them try to choose a gender for me.

I'm sad I had to modify my first tattoo, but I'm glad it looks much more like v-o-n instead of D-o-g.

One Month

Well hello there, libido.

Otherwise, not much change.

I vlogged today. You tell me if my voice has changed.

Weeks ago, I posted an add on craigslist to meet more transguys in Denver. It's sort of worked. I've met the Denver ones, though not through the ad. Instead, I've met a few out-of-towner transguys. Which is really fun and cool.

I'm calling the doc today.

I cut myself shaving for the first time. Usually I'm really careful. I don't know if it's good or bad, but a first to be sure.

I ate too much sugar today. Very bad headache. Apparently I'm an emotional and boredom eater. Fun when they coincide.

Man this week has been weird. My emotions haven't been stable at all. I wonder if it's just the hormones fighting each other as I near my period.

I've hung out with a bunch of friends, new and old, it's been great. Now I feel a bit anti-social, but also a bit lonely. Go figure.

I still haven't made an appointment with my doc yet to figure out switching to injections. But I will make the appointment Monday. Hopefully I can get in fairly quickly as my box of AndroGel packets is nearing empty. I also dread the next appointment because she said I need a full physical and all the gyno stuff too. Not looking forward to it, though I know it's necessary.