four weeks

Yesterday marked four weeks post op. The swelling has largely gone down. Generally, my chest looks mostly flat in the morning, but swells a bit about half way through the day. I still tend to wear the binder during the work day because it's tender. I think because the skin is not used to being exposed in that way. Also, my nipple placement is not yet ideal, and is uneven. So we'll see how these intervening months will go with regards to binding. Luckily, I have no need to bind tightly, as I did before. I wear my oldest, loosest binder just to keep a little bit of compression and to negate any uncomfortableness. That binder is not tight under the arms or around my ribs, so it's really not comparable to binding prior to surgery.

My flex spending account funds finally came through. I was denied at first because they called it a cosmetic procedure. So I had to call my doctor and have her write me a letter of medical necessity. They immediately paid. I've been in the process of paying everyone back for contributing to my fund. Actually, many people are refusing to be repaid. This blows me away. I appreciate my friends so much. I now have about 2/3 of the funds for the next surgery, so it may not be as long a wait as I dreaded.

Three weeks post op

I finally feel fairly confident in the way my chest looks, but only after comparing the photos that I've been taking every few days. I will share a photo I took today. Later on, I'll post more for healing comparison.

There is still swelling, but not nearly so much so I am confident that it is indeed subsiding. The second surgery with tighten up any skin that doesn't do so on its own in the months between surgeries. The areola will also be resized, leaving me only with small scars around the nipples that will be neatly hidden by the skin tone changes.

Now if I could just get back to running and eating healthfully, I'd feel so much better about my body. However, I tried to run yesterday and it hurt my chest because of the bouncing, so a bit longer on that.

Well, it's been over two weeks since surgery. I've just gone back to work without restrictions which is fantastic, because I wasn't so keen on spending the whole week in the call center. I feel mostly healed up. A bit sore and tight, but basically back to normal. I might try running soon, just to see. The doctor seemed a bit perplexed about the remaining swelling, but said that since it wasn't fluid, I wouldn't need drains anymore. He assured me that it was flat when he was finished with the procedure, and that it would be again. I've been gently massaging everything and I think it might be helping. I also have still been in a compression vest. Actually, a binder, as it's more comfortable that the zip up surgical compression vest they supplied. It sucks to still have to wear that regularly though. Last night I put a washcloth in the abyss in my chest and I think it may have helped with the swelling a bit. I think the fact that the compression doesn't actually compress down between is part of the problem. So I'll just keep doing that and hope it helps.

I keep taking photos every now and then to compare. Someday, when it's all done and I feel confident, I'll likely post some of them for comparison to catalog the process. 

Honestly, I'm a bit discouraged with the visual results so far. I can wear a t-shirt and it looks mostly normal, but I still feel odd about it when I move certain ways. And without a shirt is definitely not an option. I know it's a process and I knew going in, that it would be incomplete until the second surgery. But that doesn't stop me from being impatient and slightly disappointed. 

A week and change.

I got those horrible drains removed. I feel like a real person now. The flat-chested sort! There is still a lot of swelling, but it's gone down quite a bit. It may swell a bit more as my body switches from draining the fluid to absorbing it. The process for removing the drain tubes hurt rather a lot on the right side, but after it was all done, it felt amazing. No more itchiness and discomfort. I only have to deal with the compression vest/wraps for a few more days and then I'm basically back to normal. I cannot wait until I can start being active again. I feel so fat and lazy. I know I'm supposed to be lazy for a time, but it sure feels horrible, and notice my gut seems to be expanding. I need to rein in my eating. But since Easter's just past, I cannot pass up half price candies. Ugh.

Anyhow, I feel much better and it's amazing to sit around in a t-shirt. What a feeling to not have to deal with layers. This summer is going to be great.

5 years

Today is the fifth anniversary of starting hormone replacement therapy. I took the last photo a few days before surgery because I knew there was no way I was getting into that shirt only a week after surgery. I messed up because I took it landscape instead of vertical. Oh well.

These five years have been some of the best I've ever had. It's really great to comfortable in my presentation. I am super excited to no longer have to bind. Next year the comparisons will be fantastic.

Have I mentioned that I hate the drains? I am so ready for them to be gone. I'm also going crazy with inactivity. I want to hike. I want to run. I want to do push ups. Ah well. Soon, I'm sure.

Post Op day 6

Not a whole lot new to report today. Drains are really bothering me. Itchy and painful. But I can last another two and a half days until Tuesday afternoon. I think the swelling has gone down a bit. I took off the bandage for awhile around the house. It's so odd to only wear one layer. And it's awesome to be visibly flat.

Post Op Day 5

The bandages are off and I got to shower. However, they decided to leave the drains in until next week. Apparently they’ve been having to put them back in for others because of fluid build up. So that sucks, but at least I won’t have to deal with ballooning back up. Showering was amazing. No more funky antiseptic smell and much less itching.

I’m pretty swollen, especially toward the abyss in the center of my chest, so the reveal wasn’t as amazing as I’d hoped, but in time the swelling will leave and then I can enjoy a comparatively flat chest.

Everything is pretty numb, with some slight tingling sensations when touched. It's a very odd feeling. No pain to speak up, but definite discomfort where the drains are inserted. 

The reality hasn’t really hit me yet. Probably because the swelling makes it so that there isn’t a huge difference in size (yet). Also, I have to keep a tight wrap around my chest for a couple more weeks, so it still just seems like I’m binding.

I took some photos, but I am unwilling to share them just yet, I feel really self-conscious. Mostly because I know it’s all still swollen and funky, but also because it’s such a new idea to me to share photos of my chest. Once the healing is much further along, I’ll definitely share.

It looks much different than any other ftm chest surgery results I’ve seen personally. Because it was the peri-areolar technique, the incisions are only a couple inches long under the nipples. I have been used to seeing two long incisions that span nearly the whole chest. I think this method will be very good in the long run because of the slight scarring, but for now, it seems as though hardly anything was actually accomplished.

Post Op day 4

Tomorrow is the big reveal. I am so excited to get this tight and itchy bandage off, as well as the very uncomfortable drains. I am excited to see my chest. It will obviously need to heal more. And in a few months, I will be getting a revision to remove any skin that doesn't shrink up and to resize the nipples. But for the first time since I was 12, I'll see myself with a flat chest. Well, as flat as possible with my pectus excavatum. I hold 12 as my magical age. It was that age before menstruation. The age before breasts. It was the last age I was happy with my body. Testosterone has done wonders for my self confidence. I love the added body hair and the muscles. But I have never liked my chest. I have never felt my naked body was really mine. I have never had the debilitating revulsion that some trans people feel for their bodies, and for that I am grateful, but I have always disliked it. This is a huge step into really owning my body. I cannot wait to see the results.

Post Op Day 3

I'm restless. I hate being cooped up lying on my back all day. Got a nice sponge bath, and felt human again for a bit. I cannot wait to get these itchy drains out on Friday and have a proper shower. I've pretty much phased out the norco. I took only half of one today and I haven't been in any pain. I will likely only be taking it at night now.

I had a memory of waking up from anesthesia. My entire body was shaking like it does when I used to drink too much. I remember trying to explain to them that it's not an unusual thing to happen to me.

People are being really awesome. I've had some friends come visit and hang out. Everyone has been texting me and sending nice messages on facebook and tumblr. It's nice to have support and love and well-wishes.

I have a nagging fear of my mother. I really just think that things will be best if she never knows of this. I have no intention of telling her, and I certainly hope no one else does, as it is my business and mine alone.