I've been dealing with real anger lately. Possibly for the first time on T. Usually, my emotions are brief and furious; torrential downpours that dry away quickly. However, this hasn't. I should probably deal with it instead of grinding my teeth every time it affects me. I really need a new job. It's becoming detrimental.

I went to my eye doctor today. I realized that I've been going to him for over 20 years. And it never really hit me that it could be awkward until I got there and filled out the paperwork under my new name. I had to wait a hell of a long time for him to finally see me (he's apparently really famous.) And he came in and shook my hand and asked how I was. Then he said that the name sort of threw him off. He totally remembered me of course. He wasn't awkward about it, but I could tell he wanted to talk about it, but didn't really know how. I didn't really help. He vaguely asked me about when I started all of this. And even asked me (very nicely) about surgery. I answered everything, I did not feel threatened at all. He referred to me by masculine pronouns the whole time. Though, afterward he asked me how it was for me to switch them. He said I looked good. That it was good I was doing what I needed to do. And he gave me discounted glasses, after suggesting that I should get new frames. He didn't say so, but I know it's because the ones I have are women's.

It was nice to be affirmed by someone who has been in my life for a very long time. And someone who is in my parent's generation. It was a positivie experience. I want many more of those.

I probably shouldn't share this online, but writing calms me down.

Never before have I been so frustrated at work. My manager is fairly new to the shelter and simply does not yet understand how each area functions and what work needs to go into them. Today, I was set to close the two most time-intensive areas, plus two more areas. Yes, we were short-staffed, but that’s a lot of work. Incidentally, more than I could get done in the allotted time. However, as I was about to inform the assistant manager that I would be unable to get to cleaning a few things, I was told to move a bunch of dogs to a different area and sterilize the original area so that it would be ready for dogs coming in early tomorrow. This was ten minutes to six. I leave at six. For my weekend. When I told my manager that I had somewhere to be shortly after six she gave me a look that indicated that my job should take precedence over any petty thing I had planned. Albeit, I had nothing specific in mind, but I surely did not want to be there. Needless to say, I did not leave at six, but instead at six-thirty. And only that quickly because I had a little bit of help and I went terribly fast because I was about ready to explode from frustration.

I really need a new job. Otherwise I may turn into the Hulk and it won’t be fun for anyone.

Shot. Right leg.

This seems to be a fairly melancholy time for everyone. It makes me a bit melancholy.

I have been slowly making my way through Lost. And I've decided that I'm a lot like Charlie. Not in the addiction bit, but in the always wanting to be useful. Telling me I cannot help, is like punching me when I can't fight back. I wish it wasn't this way. I've known I've always had the 'useful' desire. I don't want to be the center of attention. I don't want to lead anyone. I just want someone to tell me what I can do, so that I can stay busy and help everything work out. That's all.

And I know that sometimes there is nothing I can do. And waiting is so hard.

I've been dreaming of old friends lately. I don't remember specifics about the dreams, just who was in them. It's sort of a painful nostalgia. I wish some of those friends were still in my life. I hate investing a piece of myself in someone only to have it taken from me. At the same time though, I'm through with all of the complications. My life is awesome. It really is. Besides my boring job, I've really got it made. My friends are the best I've ever had. I have found I don't have a lot of alone time, but that it's okay. I like spending time with everyone. And with one specifically. I like that we don't have to fill the silences with drivel. We can enjoy each other's company without words.

This week has been a bit of an off week. I am a sponge of emotions. So when those close to me are stressed, I tend to feel a bit of it. Or a lot of it as the case may be.

I really need/want a new job. Everything is changing at work and we've been short-staffed fairly regularly lately. And I'm simply bored. And I'm tired of the excessive amount of cats. And I just don't care anymore and I know that I need to. I think I am done with animals. I would really like to utilize my degree, or at least get closer to that. I realize that it is hard when it's only a bachelor's, but I am loathe to go back to school. Just the thought of homework again makes me almost physically sick. At the same time though, I do miss classroom discussions, and generally learning about things of interest.

I need some change in my life. I think just changing jobs would be a good start. I don't expect my next job to be the one I will love and stick with, but the fact that it will be new and different will be enough for now. And in May I'll get out of Denver three of the weekends. I think that will also help a lot. And someday I'll get the money to get a new passport and travel internationally again. It's sort of killing me that I haven't been out of the US for four years.

I wish I knew how to get rid of this strange face acne. It's not like normal pimples. They are there, raised, whitish, but they do not hurt or get red. No amount of scrubbing seems to deter them. I can sort of squeeze them, but I can't do that all the time forever...

So I decided that I needed to get around to changing my name on my car title and registrations. Thing is, I was supposed to do it within 30 days after the change. Oops. And I have to go to the DMV, it's not just paperwork. And I'm currently registered in the county my parents live in, so I don't have to worry about emissions. Balls. This could be tough.

My leg is a bit sore. And I'm soooo hungry. And even when I'm not hungry, I always feel like eating.

I hate the fluctuations.

One Year on Testosterone

Six and a half months on injections, previously gel/cream.

Initial changes:
clitoral growth
sweat/smell
weight redistribution

Ongoing changes:
hair
acne
voice (may have settled down by now)
muscle mass (due to working out)
hunger (shortly after injecting)
libido (shortly after injecting)


In a year I have legally changed my name on Social Security, driver's license, insurances, work, voter registration, bank, etc. I also changed my gender on my driver's license.

Need to change name on: passport, car registration.

I now pass 99.9% of the time to strangers. I look much closer to my age than last year.

I have a decent 'happy trail'. I have a patch of hair on my chin and sporadic hairs under my chin. I have to shave my face at least every other day to keep it from being too prickly.

My shoulders have broadened considerably, causing me to go up a shirt size from small to medium. My hips/but/thighs haven't really changed, so my pants size is still the same. I was fairly lacking in hips anyway, now I just have more man-shaped legs.

I can lift roughly twice the amount I was able to a year ago.

I can do 7 consecutive chin-ups. Whereas previously I could do 3-5.

I have gained about 10 lbs. Mostly in muscle as far as I can tell.

No period since September.

So, I started this blog a year ago with the first application of my AndroGel. Initially, I posted every day, or tried to. Now I post every other day, usually. I will no longer adhere to any sort of schedule. I will post whenever something trans-related comes to mind. I will still try to incorporate photos and facts about my transition.




http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RhCb3237uBs

Shot. Left leg. So far, not sore.

Tomorrow is one year on T.

I really need to start keeping track of what I eat. Perhaps not publicly, but I need to keep it for myself. So perhaps I can be more healthy and lose some excess.

So Friday was the QSA Gala at DU. I got somewhat spiffed up and accompanied my boyfriend there with a couple of other friends as well. He got an award. There was lamb and beer and truffles. It was good.

Saturday, we went to to CU Boulder to the Transforming Gender Symposium. It was a very long, but very good day. There was a trans Rabbi there who gave a handout that was a translation from some ancient Jewish texts about how to incorporate people who were neither male nor female. It was fascinating. I may copy it for my mother.

I also learned a bit more about hormone replacement therapy. Just some more solid facts about what testosterone does and does not do. And the things that are unproven about it. It was very helpful.

It was an exhausingly long day, but it was well worth it. To learn. To spend time with friends. To eat. Yay Pit Pit.