I want to know that I'm okay. I want to hear it from my parents.

I know that's sort of lame. They don't support my decisions. I've chosen my preferred family. Why do they matter so much? But they do...

Another thing that's been on my mind is sort of what causes a person to transition. I mean, I know that it's a validity of identity thing, but people really have differing reasons. I feel that some guys (and girls, for sure) transition in order to better fit the norm. That is, they want to be seen more as straight and not deviant or whatever. Perhaps they would never use those words, I'm being a bit indelicate, just stripping things down as I see them. I feel as though I'm more or less the opposite. Perhaps it is sort of a rebellion thing. I am trying to be as queer as possible. And I suppose I have an easier time of it because I don't have a set sort of person I'm attracted to. So when I was presenting and identifying as female, dating a female was the most queer I could get. And now, as I'm transitioning, I'm dating a transguy. I suppose a person cannot get much more queer.

I know it's a bit jumbled and not at all nicely worded, but it's been rambling around in my head and I needed to get it out there. Out to the lovely void for all to see.

I've been quite busy apparently. Too busy to keep up like I sort of promised to.

Thursday was a rather hectic day at work. We had to 'dip' each and every cat in a solution to ensure against ringworm. And fog each and every room with bleach. It was my duty all day to wipe out the kennels and rooms after each had been fogged. It was really rather brutal. I don't think my lungs have recovered even though I wore a mask. It was nice though to have a change of routine. Sometimes I just get very bogged down by the boring routine.

Friday Liam and I put new door handles on my car. They've been broken for many months, the passenger one, for about a year. We weren't able to fix the locks just yet, next Friday I'll have to run to Nissan for some parts. Oh plastic.

Saturday some friends and I escaped the city and rode a horse for a bit. It's been a very long time since I've done so. I was trying to remember the last time and came to 05 or 06 in Mexico of all places. So riding was nice. Very nostalgic. I really do love horses. And I loved that we didn't use a saddle, even more nostalgic.

And today was the Telethon at work. A very large to-do. I stayed nicely hidden and just kept my areas tidy. Oh, and I overslept because either my alarm didn't ring, or I turned it off in my sleep. Oops.

I need to actually job search someday. And try not to get discouraged. Anyone have tips?

Today was a rather hellish day at work.

But group was good. I really wish there were more guys though, it's reminiscent of last year. That is, it's sort of like couples therapy, except I don't know the other person all that well. He seems really cool though.

I think the T may be fucking with me again. I was irritable all day. Probably would have been snappy too, but I worked by myself all day. I feel tired most of the time, but I feel like I get enough sleep. I need to adjust my diet. Man cannot live on cheese and sugar.

I only want to curl up next to my boy and have the day come full circle.

I am really feeling the strain of posting daily. I never have a whole lot to say regarding my transition anymore. It's getting close on a year though, and when that date passes, I will not be nearly so active with this blog. I will only post when there are trans-related things to post. In the meantime, I'm going to try to keep to the daily bit and at least write something whether it relates to transition or not.

My schedule change at work is pretty nice. Tuesday is now my Wednesday instead of my Monday. That means that I'm more than halfway through with my week, just like that. Whee. I really like having Fridays off. The boy has no classes on Fridays, so we get to sleep in and essentially lie around all day and only get up to eat. It's sort of stellar.

I do need to put my new door handles on my car this weekend. Both of them have been broken for months. I now have the replacements, but very little daylight or really even motivation to tear up the doors of my car and fix it.

I'm hoping that my dad will help me pay to fix my brakes. It's going to be very expensive and I can't really afford it at all. Not that I can really afford to live so dangerously as I have the past few months.

I really need to limit my sugar intake. I'm grossly addicted.

And that's all for today.

I haven't got much to say.

I took my shot today. Right leg. I had to think really hard about which leg was last. And it was the right one. Oh well. Next time I will remember to check here before taking down my pants in the other room.

I think it's safe to say my affliction is gone forever. It's been four months.

Hair keeps spreading. It's interesting.

Acne is fairly awful.

My voice is continuously hard to hear. Apparently guys just talk louder. I may have to relearn that. And enunciation.

I love my friends.

I really like my boyfriend. Heaps.

I got my selective service letter today. It makes me chuckle. It's because there is now an M on my license.

Called my insurance and was assured that they'd rectify the name mistake. So that's nice.

This is the start of my new weekend. I think I shall enjoy it.

Tomorrow I will take my car to get the brakes worked on. And I will do mostly nothing else.

Grand.

So the people at my car insurance agency are somewhat idiotic. I faxed the name change document to them and I just received my updated proof of insurance. And it has my original first name and my new middle initial. Seriously. Apparently someone cannot read. Or something. So I have to call them.

Also, changing one's name for PayPal is not easy. They require that I fax a copy of my photo ID and the name change decree. And I think that's bullshit because they never needed any form of ID to open the account. So I'll be closing it. And opening a new one in my name.

Sort of frustrated, but so close to being done with this process. So close.

Filing taxes soonly, hoping for a good refund. I need a mattress. Very badly.

From Formspring:

"You've mentioned before that your parents seem to have taken your transition pretty hard. you mention your dad being more open and and proactive in conversation in a way which is amazing. curious to know how your mom has been handling it."

Quite frankly, my mom isn't handling it. Initially, when I came out (over a year ago) she had a lot to say. Trying to dissuade me and telling me I'm sinning, etc. But lately, she doesn't talk of it at all. She coldly eyes my tattoos. She doesn't mention my voice. She hasn't asked about my name change. She doesn't bring transition up at all. And I'm content to leave it at that for now. I don't have anything but nominal phone contact with her anyhow, so it's acceptable. If/when I visit again, I will likely insist that she not use pronouns in public. Mostly so she doesn't look like a fool.

Thanks for 'springing me and giving me something to talk about.

I don't have anything to say. But I have a photo.

Haven't got much to say of late. I've been quite tired. And busy with a certain someone. But I do want to keep up with the writing and the documenting and all. I just don't really know what to say anymore. Things are still continuing on as usual, but nothing big is happening. I have to fax some name change stuff to my health insurance and change my name on my car registration, but other than that, I'm done.

I talked to my dad on the phone the other day. Mostly I wanted his input on my car situation, which I got, but he also brought up my name change. I'd emailed him shortly after my court date. He asked what I changed it to and then asked about some of the processes I've been going through to get it official on paper. So that was cool.

And I'm so glad it's the weekend. And my schedule changes this week, so I only work three days and have Friday and Saturday off from now on. Cool.

Fin.

I like my life. I wish I could change a few things, but overall, it's fantastic.

That's all for today.

from formspring:

"You and your boyfriend are so cute together! If you could do any job, what would you like to do?"

That is definitely not an easy question. I want to do international humanitarian work. I realize that's a very broad answer, but I don't know exactly how to narrow it. I love people, but I am an introvert, so I'm not terribly good at working with people. I just love to help. I want to be able to communicate love through my actions. I want to work alongside people. I want to make friends. I do not want to simply throw money at a problem, or spend a month in a place and call it good.


Today was my first day back at the FtM group therapy at DU. It was nice. Met a new Denver transguy.

I need to shave, but I cannot be bothered.

I need to work out, but I'm lazy.

I'm trying not to think about money. Seems everyone else is and I'm simply going to refuse. Because it sort of scares me.

dude. chest hair. and hunger. my leg is basically not sore at all. it is too cold to drive to the gym today. my car hates the cold. i need to fix the brakes. in a big way. but my bank account is all by empty. it sort of depresses me. especially since i can't seem to find out where it's all going. i need to eat in more often. among other things.

40 weeks

It was a wondrous snow day with my boyfriend. We tromped around at the park and got all cold. Then came in to Irish cream in hot chocolate and the Return of the King and cuddles. It was rather nice. I'm not looking forward to returning to work tomorrow. Though the roads seem to have cleared up quite well.

I gave myself my injection. Right leg this time. Hopefully it won't give me any troubles.

I got my new debit card with the appropriate name on it. And soon will have my credit card and won't have to carry my passport with me. Hooray.

I'm snowed in at a friend's house. It's lovely really. We romped in the snow. It's all light and fluffy and fresh. It really makes me giddy. There's been a lot of cuddling and watching the Lord of the Rings extended editions. Fantastic. Perfect day really. Not much looking forward to driving when I eventually have to. My tires are crap as are my brakes. I should probably just stop driving until the weather clears once I get home.

Today

I love snow.
I love LOTR.
I love friends.
I love cuddles.
I love Irish cream in hot chocolate.
I love Chinese delivery.
I love kissing cold lips.
I love the smell of laundry.
I love.

Apparently, I've got a few dark face hairs coming on all along my jaw. I cannot see them, but I trust the observer.

I am tired. And I am constantly hungry. I have no idea if this has anything to do with T.

I cut my hair today. It was just to get rid of the forelock. It was sort of impulsive and I'll probably need to trim it up later, but for now I am left wondering if seeing all of my face makes me look older or younger.

As for other hair, the hair on my lower legs seems to have rather suddenly become thicker. I am getting a few more chin hairs. And it seems some hair is coming in on the small of my back.

From my Formspring:

"In terms of strength, how much could you bench press before T vs. now? I've heard eye color can change on T, did you experience this?"

I don't honestly know how much I could bench pre T. And I know I really can't do much now. I can max at about 125. However, general strength is improved. My daily routine of moving 50lb bags of cat litter is much easier. I've noticed nothing with my eyes. But I do have hazel ones, so they change anyhow.

Have I mentioned recently that I'm happy?

I've worked out once a week for three weeks and I feel that it has really been good. I actually like going to the gym now. I am accomplishing things. I'm sure it helps that I don't have to be away from the boy in order to do so. He's very good at teaching me what I need to be doing. What I'm doing wrong, etc.

I was asked about my measurements, so here they are:

bicep- r 13.25, l 12.75
forearm- r 11.25, 10.75
thigh- r 21.5, l 21.5
calf- r 14.25, 14.25

Overall, my chest has gone down several inches. My waist one inch, my hips one inch. My arms have gained half an inch. My thighs have lost about an inch. Cool stuff to note.

Thank you anonymous 'springer for the prompt.

and here is my back, non-flexing.

9 months

Late at night, when my mind is not fully with me, the trangst returns. Mostly it's a mirror, or a sponge, I cannot really tell. But I get to thinking about how all trans people are different and that dysphoria manifests in many different ways. I personally don't have a whole lot of physical dysphoria. This occasionally worries me. Because I could get through life without any actual trans process. Yet here I am, spending x amount of money each month on hormones. And it's good. I enjoy the changes and effects of T, I wouldn't take that back. But I know that it is not essential for me to be happy. And so my minimalist leanings get a bit tweaked. But it passes. I know I'm doing the right thing for me. I suppose it just makes it slightly more selfish. Because I know that it is not really for my sanity, or to protect my life. It's just something I want to do, for me. And that's sort of empowering.

So this month is the nine month mark for my hormone therapy. And that's exciting. I'm getting fairly hairy. My stomach hair is filling in. The hair on my arms and legs is quite dark. I've got some strange hairs on my chest. My face is still sort of disappointing. Just the same chin patch. All in good time.

I really need to figure out what to write about and make videos about. Please ask me questions or give me prompts. That would be swell. Don't worry about awkwardness or questions either, I'll talk about most anything.

Formspring.

hmmm, it's been awhile since I've updated.

It's a new year. I started it off with a kiss, as is good and proper. First New Year's kiss ever really. I love my friends; my family of friends. Life is good.

I'm going to go ahead and call tomorrow my nine months. More to update then.