My leg is sore from the shot yesterday. And the hunger sets in so quickly. And I am tired. I think the end of the T cycle really does mess me up a bit emotionally. I get all restless and my head yells at me. Then I have to listen to Sigur Ros or Jonsi to make everything better. And cuddle. Always that.

But because I am so weary, I don't want to job search. I don't relish the thought of all the places I have to go to finalize my name change. It's all sort of overwhelming.

Can't I just pay someone to do it for me? Guh.

34 weeks

I went to court today. It was a bit nerve-wracking, but ultimately good. Paid $160 bucks to wait around for a bit then be called up by my previous name and asked why I wanted it changed. Then the judge signed it and I headed to the Denver Post to publish the ad for another $78. I'll have the proof of publication back by Friday and I can finish everything up on Monday. I'll take the proof back to the court for the final decree. Then I can use that to go to Social Security and the DMV. This also means I need to get the gender change from from the DMV and signed by my doctor very soon. Everything is coming together and it's terribly exciting.

Learned recently that the random circulation problems I've been having are likely related to the testosterone. It's apparently a side effect. So I don't necessary have to worry that my feet randomly fall asleep.

The past two days my feet have been killing me. I really have no real idea why. I mean, I was terribly drunk the other night and might have just ruined them stumbling about. Or it could be related to the hormones. Or something else. It's daft though. I just want to be well.

Besides my various bodily ailments, though, I am well. So very, very well.

I revived my final fingerprint letter. My buddy and I will head to the courthouse on Monday to file our name change petitions. I'm quite excited, to be sure. But also rather nervous. I mean, this is getting more and more final.

In the meantime, I have to get a certain form from the DMV and have my doctor sign it so I can change my gender on my license at the same time as I change the name. Get everything done at once and all.

And I have to pay some fees for the filing and possibly for the name change ad in the newspaper and possibly court fees. Good thing I've been doing well on not spending as much lately. Sort of.

I love weekends. It means that I don't have to turn off my alarm ("Teardrop" by Massive Attack - think House theme song) and leave the warmth of a cuddle. I don't have to immediately put on clothes and give goodbye kisses. Instead, I can stay ensconced in a cocoon of warmth and sleep the day away. Well, sort of. I'm not one for wasting days.

Noticed my arms again today. It's odd how they sometimes seem to suddenly change. They are quite manly. Not just muscle-wise, but also getting nicely hairy. And not gross hairy, just darker. Anyhow. Yeah. And I am noticing more of a 'happy trail' so that's fun. And a few random chest hairs, which is just awkward. More awkward to think about how I don't plan to have surgery and I'll just keep getting a hairy chest... *shudder* Ah well. Such is life. I have to shave my face every two days or so to keep the one patch of chin stubble away. It's sort of annoying because it's only the one patch. While looking at old photos of myself with a friend, I was told my face has changed a whole lot. It's good to hear such things. I ate a bunch of delicious food today at my friend's parents'. It was fun to be with a family for Thanksgiving. I really do love this holiday. And it's not just because of the copious amounts of food. I love the company. The time of year. The memories, I suppose. It's just nice. One of the very few holidays I actually like. And now to bed, to work again, as always. It's sort of pitiful how lonesome I feel. It's also odd that I decided to make this all one block of text with no paragraph breaks. Just a bit jumbled.

I hate being sick. Still.

I was thinking about my T today, and how for the past seven months or so I haven't cried. That changed Monday. I got a distressing phone call and I have never felt so helpless in all my life. I just wish I could make everything better. I just wish I could cure all the pain. Alas...

My voice is really deep. I think the cold has prompted it to be so deep, I hope it stays around though. Sometimes I wish people at work would notice and comment. I mean, I see them every day. And I'm changing right before their eyes. I suppose because it's such a gradual thing, they may not notice it, but it is there. Perhaps everyone just doesn't want to bring it up. Surely I'm not that stand-offish. Or perhaps I am. I've been told I'm unapproachable. Ah well.

I'm not looking forward to more nights of empty bed...

33 weeks and a day

I went to the parents this weekend. It was uneventful as related to my transition. My mom is just crazy and having a hard time in general. She got mad at me for stupid things that weren't even the real reason for any anger. My dad is awesome though. We talked about how sure, they never planned for either my brother or me to turn out as we have, but he understands that we cannot ever live up to anyone's expectations. He commented on how happy and comfortable I seemed. I told him this year has been the best of my life. I'm so very happy and content. I have the greatest group of friends a person could ask for. Friends that I can discuss important things with and also share long silences with comfortably. I think he got it.

It was really nice to get out of the city for a bit. I loved the snow and the countryside. I loved visiting the horses that are being boarded on my parent's property. I did really miss Denver though. I love this city. And I love the people in it. I missed one especially.

I've been really sick for the past few days. A killer cough, sinus drainage and even my eyes have been getting gunked shut over night. It's gross. But I don't think I need the doctor just yet. Will give it a few more days before subjecting myself to that.

It's been over two months since my last affliction. I think it's safe to say that's gone forever.

I'm starting to get sick, but my happiness is unabated.

Got everything set for traveling to my parents' this weekend. It should be a nice relaxing time. I think I'll miss my city though. And I really wish I could have found a way to switch out mattresses. Someday...

I will hopefully update tomorrow, but then not until Monday or Tuesday.

My leg really hurts. I like to think I'm not really a whiner, but yeah, it hurts sort of a lot.

I have noted that my appetite certainly fluctuates along the T cycle. Last week, I didn't eat a whole lot and never really wanted to eat more. This week I keep having random cravings. Today I craved (and therefore ate) a moon pie. Odd.

I head to my parents this weekend. I am looking forward to getting out of the city. But not for the mode of transportation. I am taking a van which takes 4 hours (the drive is 2.5) and the bus back. I was trying to work it out so that my dad would pick me up and therefore perhaps bring me a mattress to switch out from my far too soft one. I suppose my back will have to wait. I hope I can bring leftovers back with me.

When I was talking with my dad today he said that my mom was worried that I was visiting only to drop another bombshell. And I thought (and believe even said) "what more is there? I mean, obviously I'm not pregnant or getting anyone else pregnant. I suppose I could have AIDS or be addicted to drugs. I don't and I'm not, by the way, just trying to think what she'd be worried about. *shrug*

32 weeks

It's been over seven months on testosterone. Hard to believe, really. I was looking back at my early posts and remembering how some things changed so drastically. I don't even think about my sweat/smell anymore. I just deal with it to keep it at a minimum, but once, it was a big deal. I don't even think about my increased libido much, I just deal with it appropriately. My hunger I'm finally starting to get under control. My acne is manageable, if annoying. Hair continues to fill in. My voice continues to get lower. My muscles continue to build (with some help).

It's been a great journey. I'm not scared anymore. I know that this is right. And I'm heaps more comfortable in my body even though nothing drastic has really changed. My body is my own, I don't want it to change. Surgically, that is. I am resigned to the changes from T. I am looking forward to the peak and level. However, I still reside in the in-between. I am not done experimenting with gender. I just want to be able to more readily play with it from the other direction. I want to keep people guessing.

That said, I also want to have some places (new job) where I am relatively stealth, as trans anyway. Don't know that I could hide my flame for long. I don't need to be stealth. Trans is a big part of my identity, but I don't want to make others too uncomfortable on a regular basis. I suppose I don't know how to rightly express what I mean. I like to fuck with people, but I also don't like to weird them out too much. Or something. Hmm. Anyway.

I had the dreaded appointment today. It was fine. I was mostly just nervous because I didn't know what to expect. Even though numerous people described the process to me in gruesome detail. Anyhow, that's over with. They took three vials of blood. This time, for the first time, I get my T levels checked.

I self-injected without supervision for the first time. Uneventful.

I was also extremely productive. Cleaned, sewed, worked out, did not search for jobs. Ah well.

I don't have anything new to say.

The day was beautiful and I feel very well indeed.

I dread tomorrow. Sort of a lot. But everything will be okay. For sure.

I haven't been wigging out on the end of my T cycle like I was previously. No snapping, no over-emotional randomosity.

I am planning on visiting my parents next weekend. It should be good. Even better if my dad comes to pick me up and brings me a better mattress. Also, it would be good to converse with him on that drive. I enjoy my dad sans my mom.

I am so glad it's the weekend. Perhaps now I can catch up on sleep. And laundry.

A lot has happened this week, but much of it is not easily described. I'm happy though. Happiest I've been in a long time really. It's not that I wasn't happy before, I'm just more so now.

I've been doing decently on my eating habits. Possibly because I've been drinking too much and not wanting to eat. Haha. Not really though.

I shaved yesterday because my random stubbles were not appropriate for getting dressed slightly posh for my company's appreciation banquet. Also, I will keep shaved for seeing the parents in a week.

Monday is my dreaded doctor's appointment. The 'below the belt' one. I don't know what to think of it. I've never had such an appointment.

Things are good.

I'm going to shave tomorrow. Mostly because my five hairs are just sort of gross and also because there is a banquet for work and I'd like to look nice. And also, I don't want to weird my parents out too much.

I love the weather. It sort of snowed yesterday. This morning is clear and crisp and cold. I love it.

Last night I went to a screening of Two Spirits. It's the story of a Navajo boy who was also a girl. And he was murdered. It was good. Informative. I just want there to be more films about trans related issues that don't end in death...

My brain's been eating me from the inside. I don't sleep. I fucked up. It's hard to balance guilt and elation...

31 weeks

Time flies. I suppose I don't mind. It's been seven months.

My head is too full. I don't really know what to feel these days.

Today has been absolutely gorgeous. The perfect autumn day. The leaves are basically all on the ground and the wind rustles them constantly. The sky is such a deep blue that when I look at it I feel as though I may drown. The air is crisp and clean and of the perfect temperature.

I have not overeaten today which makes me very happy. Some homemade quiche for breakfast (good hangover cure) and a powerbar and some crackers. And a lot of water. Almost an entire water treatment plant, in fact. But not quite.

Today was not a good day. I don't even know what is wrong. Just very, very off.

My binder was killing me, so when I went for my run, I just wore an old sports bra. It was really weird. My chest has certainly changed shape and size. I'm really fairly flat now even without a binder. Still felt very uncomfortable though. But at least I wasn't chafing for that half hour. Anyhow.

Cuddles cure most ailments.

So apparently my voice is low. Like to the point that I cannot really control it? People have a tendency not to hear me and think I'm just rude. Twice today someone has greeted me, I've responded and then they angrily greeted me again. I'll have to work on that.

My small button-ups don't fit me very well anymore. How very, very sad.

what I've eaten:
toast with pb and h
pbj
apple
ice cream
chocolates
crackers
quesadilla with toms and cuc
(after midnight: scones, crackers)

Happy Guy Fawkes day.

Sick. Grr.


I came home from work early and napped. Hopefully this means that I will be well and won't need to call in tomorrow morning. I need to work.

Because I've decided to really watch what I'm eating, I've been keeping a log since Monday. Perhaps if I make it public, I'll be more aware of what I eat.

Nov 1:
half a chipotle burrito
mcdouble
2 pieces of candy
coffee ice cream and graham crackers

Nov2:
toast with peanut butter and honey
peanut butter and jelly sandwich
2 apples
quesadilla with tomato and cucumber

Nov 3:
toast with peanut butter and honey
peanut butter and jelly sandwich
apple
many pieces of candy
(I may or may not have a quesadilla again for dinner)



Here's a photos of my forearm. I rather enjoy that muscle.

I've been going through some body issues lately. Making me want to really really work on eating and exercising better. My binders have been cutting into me pretty badly under the arms. I suppose it could be that my chest muscles are growing, but it's the extra flesh that's suffering, so if I could get rid of that...

I'm getting all sinus sick. Definitely makes me want to be less active. However, it also makes me want to eat less, so whatever.

Did I mention I got my letter back from the FBI? Well, I did, I'm not a felon, so that's good. Now to get the second set back and file the petition. Wow, it's all coming together.

30 weeks

I just had my last teaching injection. I could have stopped going to them as soon as I had the vial, but I wanted to do it right. So now I can do it myself and save the $20 each visit. However, I did learn that the nurse who taught me the past two times was telling me incorrectly. I could have hit a nerve on the top of my thigh apparently. But I'm all straightened out now.

In two weeks, I have the big appointment. The one with the probing and the level checks and everything. I'm really just trying not to think about it too much.

I shaved yesterday. Hopefully for the last time in 30 days. However, I may change my mind if I go to see the parents. I might decide not to shock them too much.

I really like sharing a bed with a body. Not a dead one, to be clear. I just feel that I have more peaceful sleep, even if not as deep. Also: I like sleeping in not my bed as it is uncomfortably too soft.

I just watched Trans Generation, a documentary following four trans college students. It was very interesting. All but one of them had really rather fantastic family support. The girls really sort of irked me though. Just their attitudes. I think I need to know more transwomen, I seem to have a stinted view of them.