Sunday has been a good day. I guess it's technically over now, but it was a nice lazy, relaxing day hanging with friends.

I've been putting off the whole Faith thing. I don't want to think about it. There is so much else going on. But I know that I can always pull that excuse. There will always be other things. And I think I owe it to myself, my past and even my parents to delve into that thoroughly. So if anyone knows any good books to read about theology in general or faith within the LGBT community, I'm interested.

It looks like I'm not going to ever be able to save again. Our elusive energy bill has finally come, with 9 months backlogged. And my second set of blood labs were just billed. I can handle it, I just won't have any to spare.

In other news, Lord of the Rings Online is now free. It's possible that I won't be around much. If I can get it to download.

I see my parents a week from today (Sunday). Wow.

It's the weekend finally. But I'm not as elated as usual. Probably because I have a bunch of things that need to be done and almost no money with which to do them. I try not to whinge about things. I temper it anyhow. But this is unusual for me. I usually have plenty of money in my savings account so that I can bail myself out if I need it, or take a spontaneous trip. Or help a friend in need. But now, I'm just waiting on my paycheck. Buying minimal food on my credit card. Feeling the pressure of the looming 9 months of backed up electric bill.

But everything will be okay.

In trans-related news, I tried to differentiate my newest binder from the old ones by putting a safety pin in the hem. Not a good idea. I now have a huge gash on my hand. I guess the hand is better than my side.

Not able to write about the deep Faith thing yet. May take me some time.

In the meantime, my coworker who I adore, seems to finally have switched pronouns. It was getting irksome, because I didn't want to confront her on it, but it made me and others nervous when she used female ones. But today she just was using male ones. I don't know if my supervisor talked to her or if she finally just was able to make the switch. Either way, it makes me very happy.

I ate quite a lot today. It was the monthly picnic at work, so there was a lot of free food. I sort of gorged myself. I need to work on that.

I worked out today for an hour. 30 minutes on the elliptical. 30 free weights and machines. I don't really have a routine when it comes to the weights and stuff. My buddy and I spot one another on the bench. I think I was up to 100 lbs today. Three sets of 10 I think. I didn't keep perfect track. And then I used 15s for curls and the like. I honestly don't really know what I'm doing. I know only enough not to injure myself. Which is sufficient currently.

All that said: it was a very exhausting, but fulfilling workout. I was rather sweaty.

wanna see a photo?

I'm still thinking a lot about faith. And it's causing me to again study the aspects of selfishness that lead me to where I am. I cannot deny them. I am being selfish to be me. To be happy. Sure, my life would be total crap and I'd be miserable, but without my transition, I'd still be in the good (financial) graces of my parents and many of my old friends, not to mention the Christian Church.

Then I reexamine that logic. My parents and I have always disagreed on many things. And I don't think I'd have much more of a relationship with them anyway. And most of my old friends from high school and college moved on and drifted away. The friends I have now are the best I've ever had. I've never felt more valued for who I am. I've never felt more at ease. I've never had as many intense, intelligent discussions.

Back to me being rather miserable and lonely if I was trying to hide who I am. I wouldn't have an awesome boyfriend. I wouldn't have this awesome roommate. I wouldn't socialize with all these awesome people.

And so, does the loss affect me? Yes. But the gain brings me more joy than I can fathom.

(more on the actual faith aspect later)

and here's a photo of the scars my binder has caused.

I feel like the changes from T have sort of stopped happening. I've not found any new random hair. Even what I have does not seem to be getting thicker or more noticeable. I haven't noticed voice change. I guess I feel sort of stagnant or something.

I've been thinking a lot about Faith. I used to be Christian, and while I never renounced that faith, it's true I've stepped away from it. I don't want to be lumped in that category for sure. However, it's not that I don't believe anymore.

"It's not that I do or don't believe, I just don't not believe in God or aliens or love at first sight."

Those are lyrics by The Guggenheim Grotto. They have been among my favorites for years. Someday perhaps I'll solidify if I do or don't believe in those three things. In the meantime...

Went back to FtM group therapy. There was a three week break. It was really nice. I hadn't realized how much I missed it. Even though the other guy there is one of my best friends, so we weren't sharing anything new.

Acne is bad again. Or worse or whatever. It seems to come in waves. I sort of hate it.

For some reason my binder has been cutting me pretty badly lately. I don't know if I've been wearing it for too long or if I'm getting fatter or what. But I'm actually getting scars under my arms. Oh the things I do to be me...

I am sort of dreading going to see my parents in a couple weeks. I haven't seen them since I began T. I'm not staying there though, just visiting for a couple of hours. So I don't think things can go too badly. It will be good to see them. Though I'll probably be guilted into doing something for my dog.

I'm really excited to go camping though. It will be the first time since... 2007? guh.

And I'm excited to attend my friend's wedding.

And I'm tired. Of being bored with my life.

22 weeks

I haven't been home in awhile. Just out carousing with my friends. Lazying about watching movies. Generally having a grand old time.

I guess I'm at 22 weeks now, and I have nothing to report.

I miss my boy. I love my friends, etc.

I feel like my updates are pretty mundane. Perhaps if someone prompted me with questions or something? Anyone?

This is a photo of a great cuddle puddle. This is how I make it through life.

Have I mentioned how much I love my friends? I do. Cuddle puddles are my favorite thing on earth.

I'm so glad it's the weekend.

I've been a bit trangsty of late. I know that my decision for using testosterone gel/cream is a good one for me. However, sometimes I feel impatient. I want to have a deeper voice now, not later. I want to have a beard sooner than when I'm 43. Oh, and if my period comes again, I will very likely cry for the whole week.

In a couple of weeks, I'm headed over the mountains to attend an old friend's wedding. And because it's only about 30 minutes from my parents' house, I'm obliged to stop in for a bit. I haven't been there since March. They haven't seen me since I began T. They have talked to me on the phone only. I doubt there will be any confrontation. Just small talk. Yet, I'm still a bit nervous.

But everything will be okay.

I was going to go to bed, but realized I neglected to update yesterday, so I should today. Not that there is much to update.

Was dancing yesterday. Haven't been that wasted in quite some time. It was very fun though. Work today was a bit rough. Then I went for a workout with my buddy. We ended up swimming, which was perfect.

Dinner with my friends. I so love these people that I know. I have always been lucky with good friends, but I feel like the ones I'm making this summer will be with me forever.

I bought my wedding shirt today. It's purple of course. Now I can be Lex for sure. I also bought a vest, but I don't like it as it doesn't go with my pants at all. I may still look for a gray vest, or just do without.

I haven't shaved in about two weeks. I think I will next time I shower. Which should be soon, but might not be.

This evening everyone at work had to wear purple polos and black pants. I hate polos intensely, though the intensity is slightly dampened by the color.

People keep commenting on my arms. I guess I didn't know that two workouts would cause such a difference. I really need to keep it up.

I've been really really itchy lately. I don't know if it's just the time of year or if T is changing my skin significantly. It's awfully annoying whatever it is. My throat has also been sore for the past few days. Perhaps that's vocal chords? Or maybe just getting a bit sick.

My boss called me "ma'am, sir. whatever" today. Then about five minutes later apologized profusely. It doesn't really bother me, especially when people correct themselves. I am patient when people try.

Working things out. Everything will be okay.

I just wish everyone else wasn't hurting so badly as well...

ugh.

I love my friends.

I hate my head. It seems it's always warring.

I don't know what I want.

I cannot tell if T is clouding my emotional judgments.

I have so much to do and no motivation. I did however get the money order to send with the first set of prints. Now just to send them off and get the process underway.

Went on a brief hike today, to really remind me how out of shape I've become. A buddy and I hiked right around Red Rocks Amphitheatre. It was a good time. I also realized that I'm more prone to hypoglycemia. I don't know if it's all the sugar finally catching up to me, or if it has something to do with the T and strenuous activities. Not very fun, though not terribly severe.

Acne is still bugging me quite a bit. I guess I just have to deal with it though.

I've noticed more hair creeping around. It's not terrible, just interesting to note. Still not on my face. I've not shaved in about a week and a half and I have about three bristles on my chin. Whoo.

Got a newsletter from the organization I used to go to Mexico with. It made me terribly nostalgic. I know now that I will never be able to go back there. Not to that place, not with those people. Too much has changed. Just another sacrifice.

Huge party tonight for a friend. I really wish Lee could be here with me. Because I'm almost positive the girl who hurt me most will be there. I want things to be okay with her, but she's insisted upon making everything weird. I hope I don't overcompensate. I know I have some good friends there too.

I need to get paid. I am excited to shop for nice clothes. I wish I never had to work again.

I am so tired.

I don't know if it's just been a long week. Or if the AMP I had earlier took it out of me, or the workouts. But I'm so dead.

Tomorrow (today) I'm going for a bit of a hike. It will be fairly glorious if a bit hot. I decided not to get up early for that, so afternoon it shall be. Ah well. Some time out of the city with a friend.

Hung out with the boys tonight. Some of which I haven't seen for quite some time. It was nice. They had all sorts of nice things to say about my manly appearance. I love my brothers.

I miss my boy. Sometimes it really just hurts.

Just got back from my second workout. It feels good to use my muscles. I know it's in my head at this point, but they seem like they've already become bigger.

I'm nostalgic this evening. Missing someone.

Did I forget to post yesterday? I guess I did. Odd.

I've been sore from my one workout. I like that feeling. Will be going back tomorrow.

Work is sort of becoming a drag. I'm trying very hard to remain positive and not slack, but it's getting harder.

So many people in my life are hurting. I can't help but hurt also.

I need to get out of the city for a bit, as soon as possible. Hopefully a hike this weekend. Then camping a couple weeks out.

And as soon as I get paid, I'll be shopping for a nice shirt and vest to wear to a wedding. I'm actually really excited. Also, as soon as I have money, I'll be sending my first set of fingerprints off to the FBI.

I worked out today. It was really good. Opened my eyes to exactly how out of shape I really am. So twice a week with that buddy will be great. And perhaps running a couple times a week with another buddy.

Something I noticed about my acne: it's worst when my hormones are at war. That is, when I'm menstruating. So hopefully once that stops, my acne will ease up a bit as well. That's be nice.

I am having boyfriend withdrawals. And my head is all fucked up. And I don't know what I want with any part of my life. And I'm a bit frustrated with the lack of emotions that T has granted me. Sometimes I think it's good, but I actually like to trust my emotions on many occasions, and I'm not getting any feedback. Okay, I've just anthropomorphized my emotions...

um... no photo.

20 weeks

It was a great weekend. Packed a lot of fun in and a lot of people as well. Hung out with the boys, went to Swallows, even partied with some coworkers, which was a first, but very fun.

But I just got back from taking the boyfriend to the airport. And so now I'm a bit saddened. And I don't want to go to work tomorrow.

Things I've noticed about my transition:

hair. Yes still. The hair on my arms is long enough and dark enough that I can notice when it's messed up. Not sure how much sense that makes, but it doesn't always lie just so anymore and I can see it. Just an interesting observation.

emotions. I don't feel as deeply about anything I think. That's bad in some ways and good in some ways. I don't have to be preoccupied with my feelings. I don't tend to get overwhelmed by emotions. However, I also feel a bit distanced. I can pick out how I would have emotionally reacted to certain situations, but I no longer react that way. Again, sometimes good, sometimes bad.

muscles. I have them. I haven't been working out, but I'm impressed with the general muscle tone I've gained.

acne. It's sort of attacking me. I've been using all sorts of scrubs and medications, but my skin just suddenly decided to be way more oily. Shaving also doesn't help. It seems to agitate the skin a bit too much.

menstruation. It still happens. It sucks.

I need to make a doctor's appointment. I need to get my full physical and get my levels checked.

Finally got fingerprinted today! First step of the name-change process. It was great to go to the police station with my brothers and pay a cheerful Asian woman $15. Now to send the prints away to the FBI.

My body still sucks.

I have more people who want to exercise, perhaps the more I collect, the more the chances go up of it actually happening.

Boyfriend comes tomorrow. I probably won't be updating regularly until next week.

I feel like I should talk about hair again. It's been some time. So yeah, I have been getting more of that. I'm still not all that hairy, which is fine, but I've noticed it creeping around my forearms and my thighs. I can see it on my back, though it isn't dark. Facial hair is still essentially nonexistent.

I am still hating my body's internal war. I need to call my doc about that one. It's becoming ridiculous. It's been almost 5 months.

Interesting observations on passing:

I usually pass. In general, I don't pass as my age, or as straight. However, a very elderly volunteer at work called me 'she' the other day. It sort of threw me. And the same day, a younger guy seemed to think I was a straight guy. So I really don't understand the basis. I guess it will be up in the air until I have some facial hair.

I've sort of been in trangst mode for the last week or so. Really just anxiety about everything trans related and not. Job, T, money, friends, sleep, exercise, boy, family, etc... guh.

I don't know how I became this broke. I know that I cannot at all afford to get a job that doesn't pay at least as well as this. I know that I cannot afford to travel anytime soon. Both of those things give me so much anxiety.

And I'm not an anxious person.

But I don't sleep much...

I guess I'm a day late on 19 weeks.

I have internet again!

And still nothing to report.

Just irked by my mother's postcard.

Oh, and I am afflicted again. I will be calling my doctor soon. That really needs to stop.

I will be able to work out again soonly, I believe. And with that, I will try to eat more healthy.

So it's been some time. I have everything I need for internet at home, except a phone jack. Someday soon perhaps...

I've not got much going on. Just the normal. The boy comes soon. My mom sent me a postcard that said how much she missed me. And also called me "baby girl". I've been hanging out quite regularly with the boys. Trying not to go to bars all too often. Trying not to spend money so much. Trying to eat at least a little better than usual.

Feeling strange. But mostly happy.

The feeling of disconnect is not getting any better. I just feel so blah.

I've come to realize that my job just isn't cutting it for me. I should really find another before everyone realizes my discontent.

I pass pretty much always now, so that's nice. Though somehow I pass as straight occasionally and I'm not sure how that can ever happen.

A friend of mine had a minor incident involving gay slurs. And it got me thinking about how I will likely never pass, and really have never passed, as straight. And as a gay male, that actually can put me into some danger. I guess that means I just need to be at a least a little careful where I am at night.

This week I've noticed a whole lot more oil on my face. And a whole lot more body odor. I don't think I've been showering any less frequently. And my diet hasn't really changed, so I think it's just another lovely effect of the hormones. Yay.

My mother called me a few days ago. We talked cordially, but about nothing of import. Ah well.

Planning on camping soon. I really need to get out of the city for awhile. Even just for a day or so. It will be great.

Oh, and that one boy comes soon.

18 weeks

I will be getting internet on Thursday if all goes as it should. In the meantime, I’m at the bookstore catching up.

So it's 18 weeks. And things are going quite nicely. I get moments where I'm a bit jealous of other transguys. Or more just envious of their changes. But I have to remind myself that I'm on the cream, and it works more gradually. And that I want to to be that way. It's just harder to note all the changes is all.

My boy comes to visit in ten days.

I really hate not having internet. It makes me feel very disconnected. It’s not the frivolous stuff I miss. I just miss keeping up with some people that I don’t communicate with regularly. I miss updating my blog. Putting my thoughts and feelings out into the public realm.

I have been working on some of the name change paperwork. My buddy and I are trying to do it all together to ease the pressure. However, we’ve hit some random snags involving time and place. Someday soon though. For sure.

As far as changes go all I’ve been noticing is more hair. It’s sort of connecting now. My leg hair has moved up my thighs. The hair that has always been around my belly button has expanded. I can notice my arm hair more. Still nothing to report about facial hair. I only shave about once a week and there is nothing noticeable.

The emotional effects are still interesting to figure out. I have begun to revert to overthinking everything again, but it doesn’t preoccupy me as it previously would have. I can still function and have fun and do what I need to do without being towed under by whatever is on my mind. It’s very interesting.

Some people have said that my voice really has changed. It’s nice to hear, for sure, but I still cannot tell.

I need to get a workout schedule. I’ve begun to try to eat more healthfully lately. I hope to stick to it. I need to write out a budget as well. I think that will help me a lot.

I haven’t talked to my mother in weeks. It’s not a huge loss for me, but she usually calls about once a week to catch up. By that I mean, we talk about the weather and the animals and my dad’s job.

I will miss the wedding of a very good friend of mine from high school. I wanted so badly to be there. However, it is an evening wedding and my parents will be out of town. If they were home, I’m sure I would have been allowed to stay with them. However, they did not even offer to allow me to stay alone. I’m sure my mother believes that I would bring a friend or several and fornicated all over.