Saturday, May 8, 2010

My life is not my transition.

It's obviously a big piece of me, especially currently, but it does not make up my whole. Currently, I feel slightly trapped in transition. It's definitely what I want, but I can do nothing else really. It's an all-or-nothing thing, and since I've begun, I must give my all. And it will be good. And it is good. But I itch to travel. By starting transition, I've made it slightly more difficult on several levels. One reason it's more difficult is the money. I'm currently spending over three hundred dollars a month on hormones alone. More if my insurance decides to be crappy and not cover the doc visits. This will be somewhat alleviated when I switch to injections, but there will always be a cost. Then there is the cost of changing all of my documentation. Several hundred dollars to be sure. And time. I don't know how long I have to wait, or what I have to do in order to get an endorsement from my doctor to change my gender marker. So I cannot really save for trips. I can only make it month to month and hope not to further deplete my measly savings. And wait.

Back to 'my life is not my transition' (because surely that's believable). I'm serious. I want to be out in the world. I want to be doing things for others. I want to be roughing it and making friends and eating new things and seeing new sights. I want to be alive. I feel so stagnant currently. My personal changes are exhilarating to be sure, but my scenery remains the same. Not that Colorado is a dull place by any means. I've just been here too long. I feel I've seen it all. Though I know that's not true. I guess I just need to get out more. Do more. Do more than drink.

Not that I think drinking is bad, it's generally rather therapeutic. But I've done it. I have some friends that I only know in the context of drinking. And that's just fine. But I also yearn for the deeper connections. The heart-to-hearts. The discussions of current events and passions and love. I do have a few (very few) people that I have those real conversations with. And I value those people so much. I suppose if I had many more, it may cheapen the experience, but I feel I've been losing them of late, so I need to bolster the count.

I was thinking today and the thought process made me a bit sad. When I last spoke to my parents on the phone, my mother asked what my old friends from the valley had to say about my transition. And I couldn't really give her an answer because I haven't talked to many of them about it directly. And it pains me to be sure. I suppose in my search for honesty and openness, I've skipped over the people from my past. The ones who have known me for a very long time. And I want to be honest with them. I am obviously not hiding anymore. Well, only hiding behind my blog, my words, the distance. I'm still apprehensive about any actual discussion on the matter. And it continues to make me sad. My closest friends from high school are no longer very close, and that happened with time and distance, but I've not made an effort to rectify any of it. I'm now at a loss as to how to approach the subject. I don't know how to relate to them as the person I am now. I know I am still the same person, but obviously a lot has changed.

And again, I am sad.

Today I sit in silence without music. Forcing the real thoughts to occur and not be drowned. Figuring out how I now deal with emotions. It's different now. I'm more easily able to function through intense emotion. I still feel it, I still write my emotion, but I can function, whereas previously it would sort of consume me. I like it in many ways, but it also sort of scares me. Where does that intensity go? What if I want it back?

PS: I love my roommate, she's the bombest person evar.

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