Sunday, May 9, 2010

"pain without understanding is torture"

I need to learn to be okay with being alone. I'm not talking about being single (though I need to be okay with that also), but being in solitude. There was a time in my life (the first 18 years or so) where I only wanted to be left alone. I hung out with friends, and talked to my family, but I much preferred reading or writing alone in my room.

Now, I feel almost desolate when no one is around. It's sort of a problem. I try to fight the weight of the loneliness. I feel like I can do nothing about it. So I tend to make a nuisance of myself. I hound my absent friends. I pine a bit. I write some. I either work out until I'm exhausted or I eat until I nearly throw up. I don't quite know how to get a handle on it.

I guess I'm also dealing with a bit of a feeling of abandonment. My parents for one don't understand at all, and while my dad is trying, my mom is just a bit hostile. And the two closest friends I've ever had are drifting a bit. One is understandable because of distance and busy lives, the other, I do not understand. And it hurts.

Well, happy Mother's Day. I called her. I made sure to call when I knew she'd be out hiking or whatever. Left a message. It's best that way.

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