In my melancholy moods of late, I've been thinking a lot about what I'm getting myself into. Being between genders or switching genders is risky on so many levels. The medical transition itself has its risks, then there's the problem of finding healthcare in general. And avoiding hate crimes. And getting and keeping jobs. And finding understanding friends. And finding a significant other. And really we who are outside the binary have to think about the risks of everyday, mundane life that most people have no second thoughts about.
When I first discussed my trans status with my parents, my dad mentioned that being a man wasn't easy. And he's right. Of course, I don't really consider myself a man, nor do I really want to be considered one, but the idea is that transitioning will not solve my problems. And I know this. It's certainly something I've thought about at some length. Transition does not necessarily make my life easier, but it does make me more at ease with my life. Now I have to deal with the aforementioned risks, but I don't have to worry about lying to myself and others.
It's odd to find my friends groups shifting. I never identified as a lesbian, but many of my closest friends do. So I was sort of grouped in with them and it was fine for the most part. But now that I'm transitioning, that group is even more obviously not me. I feel vaguely out of place in rooms full of dykes. I've been hanging around with more transguys and that's certainly my identifying group. But not all transguys have the same interests either. Some identify as straight, some as gay and others as whatever. My favorite thing to do is mix my friend groups. I used to do it all of the time with my CCU friends and my queer friends. Now it's more my lesbian friends and my trans friends. Some fun times there for sure. I'm glad that I can sort of be that bridge between all of those things.
I'm mostly happy with my body's changes. I'm enjoying the increased muscles, the facial changes. The voice deepening (though it hasn't done much yet). Some of the hair. I really like the hair coming in, it's fabulous. However, the men in my family are quite hairy. I'm not sure I really want to be. I guess I'll have to learn to 'manscape'. I don't really enjoy the increase in body odor and sweat, but it's easy to deal with. I am slightly discontent with the fat being redistributed to my gut, but I will deal with that rigorously (someday).