Monday, April 12, 2010

Strange money related thoughts today. I realized that I'm seriously postponing any international travel buy beginning hormones. One because of the money and also because it will be quite a process to change all my documents. I could be saving at least have the cost of testosterone by opting for injections, but I really think transdermal is the best option for me. Yes it is costly, but as I stated before, it's more consistent. But the money issue bugs me for several reasons. Again, I feel very selfish. Spending all this for me. Only me. I've made it very clear that this is my thing, no one is to blame or whatever. This is my choice and my responsibility. And now I have to be responsible for that choice. I have to realize that not only can I not travel as my heart desires, but I am not able to help anyone in any way anymore. I've become used to being the person that helps friends out. I like to be that person. I like to be able to have extra to share. I like to donate to good causes. But I can't really do that. Not only can I not really help others, but I have to cut down on things for me as well. Travel for instance.

The other issue that postpones travel for some time is the documentation. I will need to change my name and gender marker and pay for all of that paperwork. This means paying for newspaper ads, court fees, fingerprinting and whatever doctor stuff that has to do with gender marker. I may have to be on hormones for over a year before I can get a doctor to agree that I'm male. The law in Colorado regarding gender marker is that a doctor deems you whatever gender. Which can be hormonally, if my doctor agrees. I won't actually have to have any surgery at all. However, it's the time that will decided.

I simply don't think it will be a good idea to travel without that change. Mostly because I don't want to be detained for any reason. That sort of confusion and explanation is not something I relish.

I just want to be me. I'm doing it the best way I know. But it's not easy. Not at all. Sometimes I wonder if I'm making the right choice. I know I am. I feel right. I feel like I'm finding myself more, but I still feel so selfish. I hate doubting myself.

In other news, I got a nice farmer's tan at the park yesterday:

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