Sunday, April 18, 2010

I've been sweaty and stinky more lately, but I think that can be attributed more to the change of seasons than T really. Though perhaps a bit of both.

It's odd, I want(ed?) to go slow with this whole process. To really asses how everything was going and how I feel at every step. But right now, two weeks in, I really just want to see some changes! I'm about ready to call up my doc and ask how much gel I can use per day before it becomes too much. Because I know that she (on my request) has me on a very low dose. I've also had thoughts of switching to injections, mostly because it's a hella lot cheaper, but also because it seems more tangible to me.

I know I just need to be patient. This is the way I want it. And for now, this is the way it's going to be.

For awhile, when I was thinking about transition, I kept thinking that getting on T was the goal. Once that was achieved, I could do anything, my life would be my own. Luckily, long before I actually began, I realized that T would not solve all of my problems. It would help in some areas, but it may cause trouble in others. And it really is true. I do feel more me. I do feel closer to my goals and dreams. But I know that it is going to be a struggle, especially with the parents.

Today I watched several transition videos that included guys playing shirtless in the rain, or at least telling the camera about it after the fact. That is really the only time I feel the desire for chest surgery. To be able to be that free. To pass on that level. To feel the elements on so much more of my body. There are many things that deter me from that though. Money, scars, loss of sensation, surgery in general, recovery time. I'm not that into it. Perhaps sometime, some years from now, surgeons will perfect the method a bit. They will be able to retain sensation in all areas and somehow cause less scarring. That's my dream anyhow. I'll wait until then.

In the meantime, I'll just continue with the possibly detrimental binding.

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