Thursday, April 29, 2010

So wow. Just had a real conversation with my parents. Asked them if they wanted to be a part of the name change. Told them I was on hormones.

I didn't cry. I didn't get angry (too much). I told them how things were going to be and let them talk at me. My dad was pretty amazing. My mom kept telling me that I was a little girl and had little girl thoughts and I cannot change that.

My dad admitted that they would have to go through a mourning period for the person they knew me as. And I told him I understood.

I told them I wanted to change my name within a few months, once the T has had visible effect. My mom said she liked my name. I was named after a great-grandmother. I said I understood. And if they wanted to choose other family names, I'd be happy with their choices.

My dad kept wondering about the T, saying that I could stop menstruating and get a more male body by becoming a bodybuilder. Made me laugh inside. I assured them that there was more to it than just that. My mom mentioned the risks of cancers and the like even under doctor's supervision. I said I was willing to take the risks.

My mom asked why I wanted them to be a part of my life even though I know they don't agree. I said that they were important to me because they were my parents. But I will do what I need to do even if it means losing them.

My mom kept saying that I was her daughter in such a way that I was supposed to say it back. I wouldn't. I said I was her kid.

Dad called me a "person" in one sentence instead of gendering me.

Mom mentioned that I may not be able to have contact with my nephew. Which is a blow to be sure, but I told them again, that this is my decision and I'm not willing to let other people dictate my life anymore.

Mom said college ruined me, well, changed me. I countered with the fact that college changes most high schoolers.

My mom inquired about the credentials of my doctor, finding it outlandish that anyone would prescribe hormones to a girl.

She informed me that they were actively involved with Focus on the Family, which I knew, and asked how 'militant' I am. I said I'm a pacifist. I believe in equal rights, but you won't find me rioting or anything extreme.

I told them I was going to be completely honest from here on out. Because I haven't been previously. When asked when/how this all started, I said my senior year is when I realized things because I realized I wasn't straight. Then I told them I'd been in a relationship with a woman.

Dad asked if I was bisexual. I said simply, yes, though I tried to explain that that affirms a binary I don't want to be a part of.

They wondered what they were supposed to tell family and friends that ask after me. I said I was out, and fine with the truth. I said I didn't want to me misrepresented, but it was up to them what to divulge.

Mom kept saying that I'm not a man. And I agreed with her, telling her I still identify in the middle, but in the binary society, I have to pick one.

Mom reminded me that I once wanted to get married to a man and have a lot of kids. I asked her "who says I don't still want to marry a man?". Though I was firm that I didn't want kids.

Dad said that no one should make decisions that are irreversible. He said that at one point in his life he didn't want to have kids (and mentioned that he sort of wishes he hadn't), but that obviously changed and he's glad he didn't have a vasectomy.

I'm all worked up. I was shaking. But I think I'm okay. I think it went just as well as could be hoped.

Now I get to go get trashed because the pressure building up to that phone call was making me sick. (among other things.)

bored of my mug yet?


  1. Glad it went as well as possible, dude.

  2. Im proud of you Larz. I love you. If you need anything let me know.

  3. larz, my dear. you are so brave, and i am so proud of you for following your bliss and doing what it is that you need to do. i'm so glad i know you, and i am excited to see what the future holds for you.

    i hope that in time, your mom will come to terms with the fact that none of the physical changes you are undergoing make you any less her child. you're still you, and an awesome you at that. your dad seems to be approaching everything pretty honestly, and from what you wrote, it seems like he is making a serious effort to at least hear your thoughts and try to understand you, even if he doesn't get it yet.

    love ya, larz.