Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Arg, my emotion swings are killing me.

One week I'm super depressed and lonely and sorry for myself. The next I'm partying it up all the time with my pals and feeling really positive.

And now, I feel empty. Blank. Lacking. I feel sick, but I don't think it's my body. I couldn't muster strength to go anywhere or do anything. I am exhausted, and yet, I cannot sleep. I slept a few hours last night in the company of a friend. Then, after waking early and trying to rally for work (and failing), I went back to bed and could not sleep. At all. For hours. My mind was racing, thinking all of these irrational thoughts. Rehashing things I'd vowed to leave behind. Remembering a past I no longer have and am nostalgic for. I felt like crying, but the T has taken even that from me. So I wrote, and searched for more music. And read about Taoism. And then I went for a swim. But I am still melancholy. I needs to pass. I want the high again. The energy.

I need to not drink for awhile. That will likely help. It messes with my head a bit too much. And my wallet. Oops.

I finally tried out the pool in my complex because there was no one there. It's pretty great, really small, but the one end is plenty deep. It's also heated. My swim binder isn't the greatest, but it works well enough. It doesn't bind as much as I'd hope and the bottom sort of rolls up over my love handles, but it is comfortable enough and dries nicely. Not a loss.

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