So, it's been a long time since I've had a photo. Here is my facial hair. I had been letting it grow for several weeks, then shaved all but the sides and my mustache last week. It's pretty decent.

I often wish to cry, but this is neither professional not masculine. So I resist.

A few weeks ago, I learned that a past coworker of mine is beginning transition. This made me happy to hear. Happy that people are more often being able to come out and do the things that will make them more comfortable. Happy that I was intrusted with this knowledge. Anyhow, I hope to hear from him someday.

Adam's Apple

I realize this is a late discovery, but I have an adam's apple. There have been conflicting reports as to whether trans guys could have them. And I guess perhaps it's just genetics like most things. But my voice deepened, so my larynx enlarged. Here's proof:

During my first year on testosterone, I took a picture each day and describe what (if anything) was going on with my transition. And before I was on t, I used to take a lot of self portraits. I don't do it much anymore. I wonder why?

I do know why I don't write about transition much, though. Nothing really changes anymore.

It's been ages since I've updated this blog. I guess that's a good thing. I don't think about transition constantly. It still comes up of course, and always will, but it's not so pressing as it was for awhile there.

Anyhow. I did take measurements (my boyfriend says I say that funny. I pronounce all the letters...) of my muscles some time ago, but never posted them. Go figure. Basically, everything is getting bigger and my waist is about the same.

I need to actually get back into training. I have all these good intentions of eating better and working out in the evenings when my boyfriend is in class. Instead, I eat everything I can see and I play video games in the evenings because I got a new console and I have to beat them all again and I got new ones. So.

There's that.

I think I'm still getting hairier too. I notice my legs occasionally and wonder if the hair could ever get tangles.

Let me begin by saying that I will never specifically gender police anyone. I believe everyone has the right to call themselves whatever they wish and do whatever they wish. So long as it doesn’t hurt others, of course. And there is where my issue with “trans-trenders” lies. I did not coin the term. Nor do I use it regularly. But yes, I am concerned that these people may be taking some legitimacy out of my own trans experience. My biggest fear, however, is being lumped in with them.

I am still on the fence about top surgery. I have absolutely no intent to undergo genital surgery. I miss being androgynous. I like being a little bit femme on occasion. Do these truths make me less trans than others? Less a man? I surely hope not. Just because I am not crippled by dysphoria when I am naked does not mean that I like what I see. And just because I enjoy vaginal penetration doesn’t mean I am a woman.

People need to be less preoccupied with others. Their journeys are their own. Let everyone live as they will and go on your way.

trans check in

I think I need to document things again. It's been 2 years and 3 months or so on testosterone, I haven't measured my muscles since well before I started doing parkour. I'll get on that. ...soon. Hair keeps coming in thicker everywhere. I actually get a 5 o'clock shadow, the next evening. I can actually grow a fairly decent beard with mustache and soul patch included, it's just still a bit too sparse for me to keep it around.

I continue to have my internal struggle with chest surgery. I'm just not sure about it. I know that I very much dislike my chest. And I detest wearing binders. They're itchy and they cut under my arms. Grrr. And I'd love to swim shirtless. And feel the sun on my back. And the wind. But I don't have the money, and frankly if I do get that sort of money, I'm going to travel with it. And I don't relish the thought of not being able to use my arms for a month or so. Certainly wouldn't work out with my job. And I simply don't want huge, unsightly scars. I don't dislike scars, I just don't want surgery ones I guess. But breathing would be nice...

Anyhow, I guess I needn't worry about it until I have the funds anyhow. 

I promise that I'll do some measurements soon.

Somehow or other I broke my medicine spoon stp. So I bought and made another. The end.

so sore.

Mt. Elbert 14,433

Summited my third 14er today. It was rough. I'd tried Elbert years ago and failed because the trail is long and I was out of shape so we ran out of time. Well, turns out that even though I'm in better shape, it still sucks. But we made it! And it was the first time I hadn't worn my Chacos. I tried my vivos and it was awesome. They're so light and durable. Coming down was a bit rough on my big toes, but I think any shoe or boot would have done the same. God I'm tired.

My leg muscles are huge. I was noticing them today. Pictures don't quite show it though. Besides, then you'd have a picture of my upper thigh.

I finally got out and did some practicing. It was hard to find good places because I live in such a residential area. And the park was absolutely packed. I felt self-conscious trying to do conditioning around so many strange people. I hope I can get over that.

Because my state is on fire, I got a wonderful view of the city at sunset. I wasn't carrying my phone though, so no photos of that either.

I write a lot of places. Check the sidebar for the links.

Things I learned in my parkour class:

Kipping pull-ups. Some may say this is a ‘cheater’ version of pull-ups, but parkour is about being efficient. Kipping involves bending one’s body and driving the knees in order to not only get up to the bar more quickly, but also to be able to do about twice as many pull-ups as one could do from dead hang.

Push-ups. I learned to do push-ups with my elbows in. It’s actually a bit harder, but more useful for the movements in parkour.

Squats. I learned exactly how to keep my body straight. We were instructed to hold a light bar of some sort above our heads to keep form. The hips are supposed to come just below the knees.

Butt kicks. Small, quick steps, to stretch the front of the thighs.

Toe touches. Bring the leg up straight to touch the opposite hand. The other heel must remain on the ground.

High knees. Quick steps, bringing the knees up to the chest. Done forward, backward and to either side.

Lunges. Same as ever. We also did them backwards. The arms are important for balance when going backwards.

QM side lunges. The hands are placed off to the side. The legs move from one side to the other, stretching all the limbs.

High knees/silent landing. A jump in the air, bringing knees to chest. Landing on the toes, bending knees, and touching the floor between the knees. The goal is to jump high, but land with very little noise.  

Rolls. The roll is diagonal, over one shoulder to the opposite hip. One’s head should never touch the ground. Momentum should be enough to end on one’s feet.

QM (quadrupedal movement). The opposite hand and foot move at the same time. Hips should stay low, back straight.  Palms should be flat and facing forward.

QM gallop. The body is angled about 45 degrees from the direction of travel. The hands and feet move separately, but in a distinct rhythm.

Army crawl. While flat on the floor, the knee comes up to meet the elbow and is repeated on the other side.

Small crawl (I don’t know what to call it). For very tight spaces. Begins at almost a push-up position, the feet then take tiny steps forward while the arms propel the upper body.

Knees to elbows. Begins in a dead hang pull-up position. Bring the knees to the elbows. It is mostly a core exercise, but the arms must help to bring the body more horizontal. The elbows should remain straight.

360 turn. I can’t do this. I can do about 3/4^ths of a turn. Beginning with the arms either straight up or out to the side and ending with them in front and horizontal to the floor. When they are above you, they stay for the whole turn. When they are out to they side, they are pulled inward and slightly to the side to help with the spin. Legs should remain straight and not flail.

Handstand. Hands above head, the biceps to ears position. One foot slightly in front of the other. The back foot kicks up as the hands reach the floor. The front foot says until the very end. The point is to balance by using ones fingers. Head touches and walking are added. The body should remain very tight and straight. Don’t forget to breathe.

Somersault. Very similar to handstands, but instead of bending straight, it’s to the side. The back leg kicks strongly and propels the body. Keep the body very tight.

Cat balance. This is like QM on a rail. The opposite hand and foot move together, or one after another. The palm should be over the bar, not just the heel of the hand.

Punch. This is the power jump before a trick or jumping over some obstacle. I have trouble with this unless I don’t think about it at all. The feet remain together, and the body mostly rigid.

Precision. This is a jump with a precise landing on two feet. There is not much to explain, but it isn’t all that easy. One must gauge power to stick the landing.

Step vault. The hands are placed to the side and the opposite foot steps up, the other foot passes between. This can progress until the foot is not needed.

Lazy vault. In this version, usually one starts parallel to the obstacle. The inside leg comes over the obstacle first.

Kong vault. This is a symmetrical vault. The hands reach the obstacle first and the feet move between the hands. The point is to move the hands very quickly.

Tic tac. One runs at a wall at 45 degrees The inside foot pushes off the wall at about hip level, propelling the body at a 45 degree angle away from the wall. It can be done over a low wall or bar. The toe and ball of the foot should be the only thing contacting the wall. And the toe should be pointed upward, or mostly upward. The strength of the push should be up, not out.

Wall run. This is in order to go straight up a wall. The foot should be placed about hip level, again, just the toe and ball of the foot. The push should be mostly up, not out. The hand on the same side as the foot on the wall reaches for the goal. The other hand should be at the chest, in order to stop the body from smashing into the wall. The foot should not remain on the wall long enough to slip.

Plant plyo. This is essentially a kong mixed with a squat. The hands are planted on the box or wall and the feet are brought up to replace them. One stands up entirely, then squats down, and replaces the feet with hands and the feet return to the ground. Repeat.

Wall dips. These are pretty brutal. They’re almost push-ups instead of dips. The hands are planted on the wall and the chest is brought down to them, then back vertical. Repeat. The feet just sort of hang, they shouldn’t have much movement.

Bars. Mostly how to get up on them. There are a few ways. One is the muscle-up. This is a pull-up that is transferred to a support position, with the arms above the bar and perpendicular, supporting the body above the bar. It should be a smooth motion. I can only do a ‘struggle-up’. Another way is to begin by swinging. On the forward swing bring a knee up and hook the leg around the bar. Hopefully, by the back swing, the body is mostly on the bar.

Sloth shuffle. This is a bit like the cat balance, but under the bars. Opposite limbs move together. For a rest, hook the knees and an elbow around the bar.

Underbar. One uses a bar to propel the body over another bar. As one grabs the bar, the knees should tuck and then the feet should go mostly up and also out, leading the body in sort of an arc.

Cat grab. The hands grab the top of the ledge, not just the fingertips. The feet are not symmetrical, one is up at about hip level and the other just below. Arms are straight.

Climb up. From the cat grab position, the higher foot pushes up while the lower one kicks back to raise the hips and give momentum. The hands move from the hang position to more of a push-up position, to get the upper body above the ledge. No knees, or forearms should contact the ledge.

Half cat. Instead of landing in a full cat grab, with the arms above the head, land in a support position and kick a leg back to bring the hips ups and land on the ledge with the feet.

Box jumps. Very simple. Bend the knees, use the arms for momentum by swinging them back and up to jump on the box. Step back down. Repeat.

Palm spin. I have not attempted this on a vertical wall, only a slanted one. Approach the wall at 45 degrees and punch into the trick. The bottom hand faces down and the other one is vertical to it, facing the direction of travel. The knees are tucked and the body is meant to spin over the head and land facing the spot that was punched.

Gap climb/chimney. There are many techniques to get up a space where two walls are fairly close. One is with the right hand and foot on one wall and the left hand and foot on the other. Another is to face one wall and place a foot on each wall, and the back against the wall. Another is similar to the previous one, but grasping the front wall with both hands instead of leaning on the back one. In each variation, one ascends by hopping, mostly.

Front flip. I did not do these, but I learned the prerequisites. The main thing is to bring one’s chest down to meet the knees. The knees are tucked and the hands grab the shins.

Back flip. Again, I didn’t do this. It is actually easier then a front flip, but scarier, they say. The knees are brought up to the chest; this should propel the body backwards.

barefoot-style sandals

So, mostly because of parkour I've been getting into barefoot/minimalist shoes. I got a pair of vivobarefoot shoes and they're amazing. I am used to being barefoot. I grew up out of the city and mostly chose not to wear shoes. Now, because the city has a tendency toward dangerous things like glass and such, shoes are a good idea. I'll not get into all the details on why barefoot is better for overall posture and foot health, etc, the internet can give you those answers, I just know that I like the minimal design and being able to feel the ground. But I also adore my chaco sandals, as anyone who knows me can attest. I have climbed 14ers in them. And if you're familiar at all with chacos, you know that they have fairly thick, rigid soles. So, as I've fallen in love with my vivos, I've felt sad that while wearing them, I cannot keep my z shaped tan. I like sandals. And I like barefoot shoes. So I did a quick internet search and found some huarache(that's the Tarahumara sandal from Mexico)-inspired barefoot sandals. With z straps. Now I just need to justify spending the money.

Feeling a bit under the weather. I think it may have a lot to do with the heat. It's really gross and my air conditioning isn't running yet, nor is the pool open. Ah well. I've occasionally been doing really well with the 1500 challenge. But I missed a few days while camping and haven't made them up yet. I think I'll be able to make the goal though. Class is awesome, but it is so intense. I have never really been on a real fitness regimen before. It's nice to see results and find my limitations. I have a lot of limitations. My main problem is trying to wean myself off candy. I'm so very addicted. And it drastically affects my performance. It makes me feel heavy, tired and sluggish. I'm about halfway through this class. I'm going to miss it when it's gone. I need to find a place to train nearby, so I can keep up with it. I also need to be training more than just at class. I do some basic things, like push ups and pull ups, but I haven't really practiced anything else. I need to get on that. Otherwise, I'm sort of just wasting my time. I think I have some pent-up anxiety lurking. I'm not sure what it's about, but it's throwing me off.

challenge day one

I've got some badass callouses forming on my hands from pull ups. Whee! I did 80 push ups and 53 pull ups today. That's a good start for the 1500 for May challenge.

Parkour week 1

Parkour is like being a kid again. (Except I don't ever remember being sore as a kid.) It's like the hot lava game and pretending to be a monkey and/or a cat. I did those things. I climbed fences and buildings. I jumped off the same. I wore out the knees of every pair of pants I owned. I was good at sprinting and hurdling. I couldn't do a lot of the fancy tricks that others could do though. Flips off swings. Spins around bars. Trampline tricks. But I was fit. And I could do so much. I didn't think I'd lost that as much as I know know I have. Sure, I hike a lot and run occasionally. Do push-ups, pull-ups. But never constantly. So now I'm going back in time. Turning myself back into that barefoot, androgynous kid with boundless energy. Only better. Becouase now I've got additional muscle power and determination. I can already feel the energy returning to me after the first week. Even though my muscles are a bit tired after class, my energy level the next day is abundant. And I am generally in a good mood. Oh endorphins. Thus far, I've learned how to do a proper push-up (elbows in!). Kipping pull-ups. Proper squats, and knees-to-elbows. Also, the basics of quatrapedal movement (no knees), and the qm gallop. So intense. I'm also learning how best to stretch all of my muscles and how to warm up and cool down. I bought a pair of feiyiue martial arts shoes to use for parkour because they were cheap and often recoomended because of their lightness and flexibility. But they pinched my toes painfully, so I bit the bullet and bought a pair of vivobarfoot shoes (no, not the ones with toes.) I got them for about half price after a few days of internet searches. They arrived today. I cannot wait to try them out. So here are my beginning stats. I'll update again after the class is over. Pull-ups: 10 Push-ups: 25 Muscle-ups: 0 Standing broad jump: 6'3" Knees-to-elbows: 5 Precision stairs: 5

possible awkward packing

So I learned that in order to pack I need something tight. Usually I pack in jeans. Most of my jeans are skinny, so there's the tight. I packed for parkour class yesterday. I was wearing a jock and boxer briefs and sweatpants. It was not tight enough. It hurts us. Precious. Now I know I need to wear under armour type boxer briefs in order to keep everything secure. Lesson learned.

I don't know what's up with my emotions. I'm going to blame it on the T.

I've been feeling very blah of late.

I need change.

2 years

Today is two years on T. Nothing is really different. This blog is becoming dusty with disuse. Ah well. It's served a purpose.

I'm trying to get a video up on youtube, but either youtube or my computer is resisting, because it keeps failing.

Here's a photo:

I found the one thing that my name wasn't changed on. That was my phone plan. It's a family plan that my parents insist on paying for. So I had to ask my dad to change my name on the plan so I could upgrade my phone. He did it with no issue.

I really love him.

V-Day (and a digression from my usual)

I've been following my friend's blog series about V-Day. V-Day is a movement to end violence against women. Violence against women causes more death and disability than cancer or traffic accidents. This is appalling.

As a transman I don't visibly fit in the woman category any longer. However, I do still retain my vagina and I am not ashamed of that fact. Male fits me better, but I still cherish much about myself from before my transition. I was (mostly) socialized as female. I learned (mostly while traveling) what it is like to be considered a second-class citizen. I didn't like it. This did not influence my transition, it was just something I noticed.

That said, I do not especially cherish my new male social status. When I walk around at night, women walk faster away from me. They don't meet my eyes. They rarely speak to me. Men on the other hand joke crassly and hint at things I'd rather not be part of. It's a strange thing, this gender dichotomy.

So what I want to say is that there is nothing wrong with being female. There is just something wrong with me being female. And my boyfriend. That's just odd. Moreover, because there is nothing wrong with it, we should all do our best to make this voilence stop.

I got my passport back. That was quite timely. I shall dearly miss the stamps in the old one. Kenya. Mexico. Qatar. England. They couldn't even give it back to me because the name is different. Oh well, I'll work on getting great stamps in the new one. It'll last me 10 years.

sideburns.

T levels are still too high the doc says. So I have to decrease the amount again. This will probably make me go back to having fluctuations within the time between shots. Bummer.

I just went in for a new passport today. It was easy and painless except for the wait at the post office and the $150. Now just to wait 4-6 weeks. Then save up to go abroad.

The process for name and gender change on the passport is quite simple. Official name change paperwork and a letter (in a certain form) from the doctor.

This month is a three paycheck month. And I'll be getting my W-2 and filing taxes, so I should get a couple hundred back from that also. And so I'm going to go ahead and get my passport all squared away. And save so I can travel. Soon. Hopefully.