Shot (a day late again). Left leg.

I went ten days without shaving.

No car today. No seeing Dad, and no shave. Hopefully he'll be able to come up on Wednesday and make the exchange.

It is so very hot. I want Autumn.

So... I found that ass hair people talk about....

My dad is coming to Denver on Friday to trade out vehicles with me. He helped me find a new Pathfinder. Well, newer. It has four doors and runs. That's exciting. Now I'll be in debt to him as well.

I think I should shave before he comes. Not because I don't want him to see that I have stubble, but because I'm ashamed of how measly my stubble is. If it were full, I'd have no problem.

I hate the heat. It causes all sorts of irritations when coupled with my new level of sweatyness.

New Goals

1. eat fruits and/or vegetable at least once daily. green is good.
2. stand and sit up straight.
3. eat only one serving of sweets per day.


Simple. I can do this and feel so much better about myself. I've been feeling so icky lately.

Also: something I noticed today, my left sideburn is actually coming in quite nicely. I mean, it's wispy, but is is darkening. I don't shave them as often as the rest of my face, and I can finally tell. I may stop shaving my face for awhile. Last time I got very bad razor burn. It does get all prickly and itchy after about a week though. We'll see how long I last.

I was supposed to give myself my injection yesterday, but forgot and did it this morning instead. Right leg. No pain at all. I read somewhere that breathing out (and breathing in general) helps it not to hurt and for general relaxation. It does seem to work, not that I've ever really had problems.

I was doing some research on some acne treatments. Vitamin B5 has been suggested to me, but I'm hesitant for several reasons. One, my acne is not actually all that terrible. It's annoying, but not really a hindrance. Two, popping a lot of pills is rather annoying and also could end up being costly. And, three, one of the common side effects is apparently hair loss. I'm not sure I'm willing to run that risk.


hairy!

The humidity is about to kill me. I sweat so very much. And my binders dig in under my arms. It's all very irritating and gross.

I'm getting more hair on my chest. It started around my nipples and now is finally moving toward the center. It almost connects to the hair creeping up my middle. The hair on my hands is coming in more as well. And the veins, as people keep pointing out.

I really need to work on eating well, and less. I cannot stand to go running in this heat, so I need to find some other (free) cardio workout to try to get rid of my pudgy middle.

shot. left leg.

I got a new tritop binder recently. They seem to have changed their design or something. I was worried that it would be hell to break in since I've got much bigger muscles since last I had a new one. But the new one is not tighter than the older one. In fact, it's possibly looser. Leastwise, it doesn't cut me under the arms like the older one. But it does still bind decently.

I haven't updated here in a long time. I'm not really sure what to say anymore. Changes are happening so slowly now. I suppose hair is still creeping in. And I wish more and more for a flat chest in this awful heat. I hate binding.

Getting a new car. Working out payment with my dad. I just have to find a way to get across the mountains to pick it up.

shot right leg.

Went to Pride last weekend. Fantastic. I walked around in small green underwear one day. I sort of don't mind being objectified occasionally.

I love my boyfriend more than I can ever express. Ever.

Shot in my left leg.

I definitely like not having the fluctuations anymore. Though I do occasionally get cramps. They haven’t followed through. Perhaps it’s just the T wringing the life out of my ovaries.


I have been hearing that there is a B vitamin that helps with acne. I will do some looking into it as soon as I have some time.

I hate that I resist sleep even when I need it badly.

I need to start writing more. Perhaps that would fatigue my brain. Because my body is done in. After standing/dancing for four hours last night at the Ratatat concert, working (and sweating) all day, I went for a run and then a swim.

Hopefully someday I'll be able to see my abs again. It's a goal of sorts. As of now, they're under a couple of inches of insulation.

I was supposed to inject myself yesterday, but wasn't home at the time, so I did it today. Right leg. No pain at all this time and only a single bead of blood.

I am certainly liking the 10 day schedule. I cannot feel the fluctuations at all. It's amazing. I do hope that my levels don't test too high next time. I'd like to keep this up. Though because I inject three times monthly instead of two, it's slightly more expensive.

I haven't written about changes for quite some time. Mostly because the changes have been so very slow.

I have an increasing amount of chest hairs. It's sort of gross, mostly because they are randomly spaced and not in the middle. My mustache is coming in nicely, I let it grow for about a week before and during camping. It was pretty fun. It's not full by any means, but it is visible. My chin patches are becoming denser, and quite visible. I have to shave daily to keep my chin from looking diseased or like a 16 year-old's.

I need to get back to the gym, or at least running. And eating better. Camping sort of displaced that. (I'll blame anything I can.)

All is well in general.

It's been ten days. Shot, left leg. It hurt like hell.

After almost a week, I finally got ahold of my mechanic again. Something with the wiring for the engine computer, he hasn't quite yet figured it out. But it may be done for this weeked. He kept throwing out all sorts of car part names at me and I just sort of acknowledged. I really know very little about cars. It's interesting that my credibility goes up infinitely when I'm read as male though. Too bad that's not actually the case.

I am overly excited about camping this weekend. You have no idea.

I ran today, even though I had a stomach ache. And it was good. It's been some time. I need to keep it up. It's good to have a buddy to run with. We do a fair job of keeping each other to it. And we have the same general pace.

I need to be better about what I put into my body. I need to work on some restraint. I just can't take $1 bills to work, because there are vending machines with candy in them. I need to eat more slowly, so I don't eat too much. I need to eat halves of things and save the rest. I really just need to cut back. I need to keep track of what I eat daily, just so I have a record and then can go from there on cutting back where need be.

Also, I don't like being car-less. Mostly because even my mechanic doesn't yet know what's wrong with my car. Also the expense of fixing it. And the bus. And that expense. Luckily, I haven't had to ride it all that much, because I have awesome friends. But I'd really like my vehicle back by the end of the week so I can drive to Utah. Otherwise, we may have some issues.

I need to write here more. Even if it's not necessarily trans related.

But today, I'll talk trans a bit. I have been letting my sideburns grow. That is, I haven't shaved them in over a week. It's pathetic. My chin hairs come in quite dark and prickly, but not nearly dense enough. Ah well, time I guess.

I've been having a bit of top surgery envy lately. I am still largely on the fence about whether or not I want to actually have surgery, but I am so jealous of the people who do. I want a flat chest more than most things in life. There are just so many complications to that. 1) I don't want huge scars. I want a natural chest. 2) I have an indented sternum, so my chest will never be flat. 3)I don't have the money and would have a hard time spending it on that if I did have it. I'd prefer to travel.

Binding's a bitch though. All sweaty and itchy and acne under it. It cuts under my arms. I want to swim and play in the sun. Walk in the rain. Wear a white shirt. Breathe.

Alas.

I also really want a new job. Seems I have a useless though expensive degree. And I am staunchly opposed to returning to school. I've been applying at some random places, but I'm trying to get away from dogs and into something I will actually enjoy for a long period of time. Or not. Perhaps just something to transition me into something I'll enjoy doing for a long period of time. Really, I'm not too picky. I just need to get paid as much or more than I get now. And not hate my life.

Shot. Right leg. I'm on 200 mg every 10 days now. My doctor said it might work out better for me so I don't feel the lag at the end. Also, apparently my blood iron levels are a bit high. They aren't worried about it, but will check again next time I come in. In the meantime, I'm going to try to stay away from red meats and cereal, as those things have a high iron content.

Just returned from a lovely trip to Kansas with the boy.

Oops. Missed my shot yesterday. My phone decided it was no longer necessary to remind me. It was mistaken. So I've stabbed myself today instead. Left leg.

I've been dealing with real anger lately. Possibly for the first time on T. Usually, my emotions are brief and furious; torrential downpours that dry away quickly. However, this hasn't. I should probably deal with it instead of grinding my teeth every time it affects me. I really need a new job. It's becoming detrimental.

I went to my eye doctor today. I realized that I've been going to him for over 20 years. And it never really hit me that it could be awkward until I got there and filled out the paperwork under my new name. I had to wait a hell of a long time for him to finally see me (he's apparently really famous.) And he came in and shook my hand and asked how I was. Then he said that the name sort of threw him off. He totally remembered me of course. He wasn't awkward about it, but I could tell he wanted to talk about it, but didn't really know how. I didn't really help. He vaguely asked me about when I started all of this. And even asked me (very nicely) about surgery. I answered everything, I did not feel threatened at all. He referred to me by masculine pronouns the whole time. Though, afterward he asked me how it was for me to switch them. He said I looked good. That it was good I was doing what I needed to do. And he gave me discounted glasses, after suggesting that I should get new frames. He didn't say so, but I know it's because the ones I have are women's.

It was nice to be affirmed by someone who has been in my life for a very long time. And someone who is in my parent's generation. It was a positivie experience. I want many more of those.

I probably shouldn't share this online, but writing calms me down.

Never before have I been so frustrated at work. My manager is fairly new to the shelter and simply does not yet understand how each area functions and what work needs to go into them. Today, I was set to close the two most time-intensive areas, plus two more areas. Yes, we were short-staffed, but that’s a lot of work. Incidentally, more than I could get done in the allotted time. However, as I was about to inform the assistant manager that I would be unable to get to cleaning a few things, I was told to move a bunch of dogs to a different area and sterilize the original area so that it would be ready for dogs coming in early tomorrow. This was ten minutes to six. I leave at six. For my weekend. When I told my manager that I had somewhere to be shortly after six she gave me a look that indicated that my job should take precedence over any petty thing I had planned. Albeit, I had nothing specific in mind, but I surely did not want to be there. Needless to say, I did not leave at six, but instead at six-thirty. And only that quickly because I had a little bit of help and I went terribly fast because I was about ready to explode from frustration.

I really need a new job. Otherwise I may turn into the Hulk and it won’t be fun for anyone.

Shot. Right leg.

This seems to be a fairly melancholy time for everyone. It makes me a bit melancholy.

I have been slowly making my way through Lost. And I've decided that I'm a lot like Charlie. Not in the addiction bit, but in the always wanting to be useful. Telling me I cannot help, is like punching me when I can't fight back. I wish it wasn't this way. I've known I've always had the 'useful' desire. I don't want to be the center of attention. I don't want to lead anyone. I just want someone to tell me what I can do, so that I can stay busy and help everything work out. That's all.

And I know that sometimes there is nothing I can do. And waiting is so hard.

I've been dreaming of old friends lately. I don't remember specifics about the dreams, just who was in them. It's sort of a painful nostalgia. I wish some of those friends were still in my life. I hate investing a piece of myself in someone only to have it taken from me. At the same time though, I'm through with all of the complications. My life is awesome. It really is. Besides my boring job, I've really got it made. My friends are the best I've ever had. I have found I don't have a lot of alone time, but that it's okay. I like spending time with everyone. And with one specifically. I like that we don't have to fill the silences with drivel. We can enjoy each other's company without words.

This week has been a bit of an off week. I am a sponge of emotions. So when those close to me are stressed, I tend to feel a bit of it. Or a lot of it as the case may be.

I really need/want a new job. Everything is changing at work and we've been short-staffed fairly regularly lately. And I'm simply bored. And I'm tired of the excessive amount of cats. And I just don't care anymore and I know that I need to. I think I am done with animals. I would really like to utilize my degree, or at least get closer to that. I realize that it is hard when it's only a bachelor's, but I am loathe to go back to school. Just the thought of homework again makes me almost physically sick. At the same time though, I do miss classroom discussions, and generally learning about things of interest.

I need some change in my life. I think just changing jobs would be a good start. I don't expect my next job to be the one I will love and stick with, but the fact that it will be new and different will be enough for now. And in May I'll get out of Denver three of the weekends. I think that will also help a lot. And someday I'll get the money to get a new passport and travel internationally again. It's sort of killing me that I haven't been out of the US for four years.