Anniversaries

The end of March and beginning of April is when all of my transition anniversaries fall. I started testosterone 14 years ago. Chest surgery 9 (and 8) years. Hysto 2 years.  

It's surreal to continue keeping track of something like this. Something that helps make me who I am.  Something that is increasingly difficult to reckon with in current society.  

Back in 2008 or so when I was first learning about myself and transness in general, it was tough societally. There was general confusion and an general lack of rights. For instance, insurance didn't cover any treatments related to gender dysphoria. I paid for all of that out of pocket on a non-profit salary for many years. These days insurance helps with that, but the public perception of trans people is daunting.  I enjoy the rights that have come (in my state at least), but sometimes I think it was better when people didn't know about us. The hate is overwhelming at times. The misunderstanding. I'm just tired.   

At the animal shelter, I was mostly out, since I began transition while working there. At my "new" job, I'm very much not out. I don't necessarily hide myself, but I definitely don't share many personal details. I think this is fine, I'm not at this job to make friends. And I certainly feel more vulnerable here than before. At the shelter there was a very high percentage of queer folks, but now, I'm one of very few (that I know of). It's just a strange change.  I'm glad that I can be more or less stealth. Safe. But I also hate that I feel it's necessary.  

I've joined a HEMA club. That's Historical European Martial Arts. I'm learning to sword fight! This particular club is very intentional about being inclusive. It is really nice to be in a space fully of queer folks and to feel safe there. Even with steel flying around! In general, it's been a great new thing to learn and work on. I've been physically stagnant for several years with injuries, surgeries and general depression. I'm happy to be moving my body intentionally again. 

12 years on Testosterone

I wanted to write about sort of the entirety of my transition on this anniversary. Content warning: surgery and recovery. 

Here is a list of all my important transition related dates: 

4/5/10 started testosterone (transdermal) 

9/21/10 started testosterie injections 

11/29/10 name change court date 

3/30/15 first chest surgery 

3/2/16 second chest surgery 

3/21/22 hysterectomy salpingo-oophorectomy 

In 2015, I got my main chest surgery. It really was crucial to my well-being. I had another surgery that was planned to revise the first one. I am still not entirely happy with my results and I may seek another revision to remove the rest of the breast and fat tissue and to make the nipples look more normal. 

This year I had a "full" hysterectomy. I have been pleasantly surprised with my recovery. I've had no fewer than 4 surgeries in the last two years, but the time in the recovery room for this last one was the worst. I generally don't have a lot of nausea, but I did this time. They also needed to keep me until I urinated, which took some time. Meanwhile, everytime I'd drift off to sleep the blood oxygen alarm would blare and wake me back up. But after peeing the blue dye out and heading home, the recovery has been great! Besides the significant cramping feeling in the recovery room, I've had no pain. In fact, getting an IUD (which I did in 2015) was much more painful for much longer. I've had no need of narcotics, just ibuprofen and acetamenafen alternating for a few days. I did have some pain in my shoulder for a day or two from the gasses they use for the surgery. A heating pad helped immensely.  My eyes were also a bit off for a couple of days. Hard to focus. Likely a side effect of anethesia, but not one I've encountered before. After a week, I have to consitently remind myself that I am still recovering and will be on restrictions for 6 weeks total. 

I admit I was more nervous about this surgery than the others due to the possible (however remote) ill effects it could have on my enjoyment of sexual activity. I will not know the extent of this until after the 6 weeks, but I am not terribly worried at this point.

It proved to be quite hard to find any sort adeqaute information for this surgery as it relates to transgender men (or non-cis AFAB folks). The majority of the information was for and about older women. I saw recovery times ranging from 6-12 weeks (including no sex of any kind!) I am cleared to retrun to work with some restrictions after 2 weeks. Restrictions should be lifted by 6 weeks. There was no ban on external stimulation, only penetration, and of course lifting and other pysical exertion. 

I think the biggest loss from this surgery was my shaved belly hair. Due to my age and duration on testosterone, my head hair has been thinning a whole lot these past few years and I take pride in the other hair I can still successfully grow. It will grow back of course, but it was sort of a surprise how much disphoria can be caused by a smooth abdomen. 

Though my surgeon works through the "Women's Clinic" I did not have any negative conversations about this surgery. Insurance required that I submit 2 (two!) letters from different therapists stating that I was in fact trans and could make this sort of medical decision. That was a bit ridiculous, but worked out in the end. My pre-op nurse did ask if my family knew I was there, getting surgery. I scoffed and said no, but pleny of supportive people knew. 

At this point I just don't want to rock the boat with my parents. I am confident in my identity and what needs to happen to my body. I don't want to risk getting into debates or anything with my parents about these things. It is possible that they'd want to know, just so they can pray for my recovery or whatever, but that's not necessary for me. 

As for effects of 12 years of testosterone: my hair is very thin these days and I have been taking finasteride to try to hang onto it. I'm hoping that on account of my most recent surgery, I'll be able to lower my T dose a bit. It's been on the high end to keep menses away. Perhaps with a lower dose, I'll be able to keep or regain some hair. It's also possible I just need to embrace the fact that I'm a guy of a certain age and give up the fight. 

transition never ends.

Even after six years I can still note some changes. My mustache is finally connecting to my beard. And is generally still just filling in. It's very exciting. I always wanted Aragorn stubble. But I figured it may be out of my reach just due to the denseness. But I'm on my way! Too bad I can never stand my hair being longer than a couple of inches.

Also I realized today that though I'd like to lose some pudge from my middle, I really like the look and feel of my chest in a t-shirt. It's a novel thing. A very right thing. I loved having a flat chest for the first time (since I was 12) when I started binding, but this is better. The contours. I can actually see that I have muscle. I don't have to feel self-conscious about my binder showing through light colors or thin shirts. After the first surgery I stopped binding, but I never felt very comfortable simply because there was still some strange shapes going on. So while the feeling was good, I didn't approve of the look. But I do now. My next step is fitness and a final nipple revision so perhaps I can have this same feeling with a bare chest.

Anyhow, as the title suggests, there is no end to transition. It is always progressing. I am always becoming more me.

6 years on Testosterone

Today marks the sixth anniversary of my medical transition. Not a lot has changed hormonally in the last few years.

I got had my first chest surgery about a year ago and it has been a great year without a binder. I have noticed that my back acne has cleared up amazingly since not having that constriction. After my surgery about a month ago, it's amazing to be able to run and move without any bouncing of my chest besides some muscle. I now feel very comfortable wearing tighter and thinner shirts. I am not completely healed up yet: not quite comfortable enough to go without a shirt, but close. Just a bit more healing up and some working out, haha.



This journey is expensive and difficult, but so very worth it.

I have had amazing friends who have supported me in all ways; emotionally, financially, physically. This process really could not have been any smoother.

So as far as my mental transition checklist goes, it seems I've crossed nearly everything off.

Testosterone
Chest surgery (besides one more possible tiny revision)
Gender and name on ID
Gender and name on Passport
Name changed on all accounts and documents

The only minor things I haven't done and probably won't do are to change my birth certificate in any way and to change my gender on health insurance (who knows if/when I may need that to match my physical body).

At this time I have no plans for any further surgeries, which my bank account greatly approves.

Thanks for joining me on my journey.

Chest Surgery Round Two

Tomorrow I go for my second chest surgery. I knew from the beginning that this would be a two-surgery process. The first surgery was nearly a year ago. I was anesthetized fully and most the breast tissue and most of the fatty tissue was removed from my chest via small incisions under my nipples. I had drain tubes. The purpose of that one was to decrease the size and allow my skin's elasticity to reduce any droopiness that often occurs when the whole process is done in one surgery.

This surgery will be quicker and I'll be awake for it. The surgeon will resize the areola and take in any excess skin. There will also be some slight liposuction to get rid of the remaining fatty tissue. I'll finally be flat! My nipples will be the appropriate size and in the appropriate place. I will not have to have any drains, and the recovery should be much easier. 

I've been working pretty hard on my pectoral muscles, hopefully my surgeon will have no problem contouring my chest. 

I could have had this second surgery as soon as three months after the first one, but it ended up being almost a whole year after, due to work schedule and money. It will be over soon though. And I can work on my torso tan this summer (so long as I first work on tightening up my middle).

I will be taking some before photos, and once I'm healed up I'll be sure to post some comparisons from before the first surgery to now to after the whole process is complete. I'm hopeful about the results. 

Check out my tumblr for routine updates.

Two more weeks of waiting.

Then more waiting after that for everything to heal up.

So close!

Tomorrow, I go in for another consult with the surgeon to ask a few more questions about why he does periareolar in two separate surgeries and exactly what each surgery entails. I also have my pre-op appointment with his nurse where she will give me all the supplements that will help me get through everything.

Soon.

Transition Costs Revisited (unspecified amounts)

I wanted to go back a few years in this blog to the beginning of my transition and revisit a list I made.

From April 15, 2010 (italics) current updates (bold)

Figured I'd breakdown the basic expenses a trans guy faces.

binder- for the purpose of hiding one's chest: I have several. I use both T-Kingdom and Underworks. I like them both. But Underworks is much more affordable. I only use underworks these days. It sucks to have been binding for over 6 years.

soft packer- for the purpose of creating the bulge: again, I have more than one. Not expensive, but they do wear out over time. I forgot to include the packer harness. Again, not expensive, but the elastic doesn't last so long.

STP (stand-to-pee)- I use a modified medicine spoon. It was very cheep indeed. However, I also purchased an STP packer. It was not really worth the cost. I'm pretty sure I'm only on my second medicine spoon ever. I also don't use it much at all unless I'm in a public restroom and occasionally in the woods.

Strap-on- for the purpose of intercourse. I've no experience in this area. I now have experience in this area. Not particularly cheap.

Therapist- for the purpose of getting a letter for the the following. I actually enjoy therapy and I didn't just go so that I could get the official diagnosis to proceed with medical transition. However, I did get that letter written. And I have also not ditched my therapist. I no longer go to a therapist regularly.

Physician- for the purpose of getting a prescription. I've yet to find out if my health insurance pays for my doctor visits and blood-work. I go to my physician once or twice a year for a physical and bloodwork. My insurance covers the physicals and the general visits.

Testosterone- for the purpose of making one hormonally male. I use AndroGel. I rub it onto my upper arms once daily. Many other guys opt for the injection because it is much (much) cheaper. My insurance fails me in this regard. I have been on injections since September of 2010. The cost is low, especially with a pharmacy coupon. I am on a fairly low dose so my vial lasts many months.

Top Surgery- negates the need for a binder. I do not at this time wish to have a double mastectomy, though I do wish I had a flat chest. My surgery date is March 30 in Boulder. I will not need the double incision technique that is most common among trans guys. My surgeon said periareolar was the best option. This means I get minimal scarring and the retention of the nerve stalk for the nipples. However, it is two surgeries, and thus half again as much money as I was anticipating. This will be my largest expense in the whole process. It will be well worth it.

Bottom Surgery- yeah... I don't want this. Some do. I still have no intention of getting any sort of genital reconstructive surgery. Perhaps someday hysterectomy/oophorecotmy but that's way out of budget now. It'll save on testosterone cost though!

So yeah, I have a chest surgery date. I'm still worried about money, but I'll get it worked out. I will likely have to use the surgery office's line of credit, but it is no interest for a year, so I think I can handle that. I will be out of work on paid time off for two weeks. I will unfortunately have to spend most of that time in bed or at least minimally active. Send me your TV show, movie and book recommendations. Also, come visit me. I'm going to be super bored, but hopefully not too much in pain.

I've come to the point in my transition that it's very much in the background. I still inject testosterone every two weeks and wear a binder and packer, but I don't think about being trans all that often. And neither do those around me, I believe. I've come to the point where I'm stealth to new people. Only if I tell them, or add them on facebook (and they read the about me section) will anyone know.

I still help a few guys who are just starting transition, online and in person. I give some occasional advice based on my own experiences. And I dream of (and save up for) chest surgery.

But every now and then I am reminded that I have not always been this way. This comfortable in who I am. This right. This me. And today I was reminded again. My aunt on facebook made a comment about a photo of me. I don't know if she was playing dumb or is really just out of the loop. I don't know if my parents have discussed my transition with anyone in the extended family. I know I haven't. But whether or not she knew my circumstances, my aunt made me feel very odd. I haven't seen her in probably 15 years. And honestly not a whole lot about me has changed since then. Just the beard. I don't remember when she found me on facebook, but my transition is clearly documented there. I would rather people not play dumb. If you're concerned for me, fine. Send me a message. Likewise if you're confused and curious.

I realize much of this is on me for not restricting my facebook, or for allowing her as a friend at all. And I am obviously not stealth or it would bug me even more. And it would be even more my fault for not restricting things.

Anyhow, a bit of a rant about transness. I told my aunt to message me if she wanted to talk further.

I haven't updated in ages because there's been nothing to report.

Now though, I've just been told to halve my dose. Apparently my levels have been too high for some time, but only now my doctor decided it was worrisome. She says this should help with my persistent acne problem. I just hope it doesn't cause any unfavorable female effects to return.

So, it's been a long time since I've had a photo. Here is my facial hair. I had been letting it grow for several weeks, then shaved all but the sides and my mustache last week. It's pretty decent.

Adam's Apple

I realize this is a late discovery, but I have an adam's apple. There have been conflicting reports as to whether trans guys could have them. And I guess perhaps it's just genetics like most things. But my voice deepened, so my larynx enlarged. Here's proof:

During my first year on testosterone, I took a picture each day and describe what (if anything) was going on with my transition. And before I was on t, I used to take a lot of self portraits. I don't do it much anymore. I wonder why?

I do know why I don't write about transition much, though. Nothing really changes anymore.

Let me begin by saying that I will never specifically gender police anyone. I believe everyone has the right to call themselves whatever they wish and do whatever they wish. So long as it doesn’t hurt others, of course. And there is where my issue with “trans-trenders” lies. I did not coin the term. Nor do I use it regularly. But yes, I am concerned that these people may be taking some legitimacy out of my own trans experience. My biggest fear, however, is being lumped in with them.

I am still on the fence about top surgery. I have absolutely no intent to undergo genital surgery. I miss being androgynous. I like being a little bit femme on occasion. Do these truths make me less trans than others? Less a man? I surely hope not. Just because I am not crippled by dysphoria when I am naked does not mean that I like what I see. And just because I enjoy vaginal penetration doesn’t mean I am a woman.

People need to be less preoccupied with others. Their journeys are their own. Let everyone live as they will and go on your way.