I love snow.

I've certainly missed it. Sometimes I get to thinking how it does cause problems. I don't like driving in it in town. I much prefer tramping through it in large boots. I really, absolutely love it. I love the bite of it on my bare cheeks. I love the way it dampens sounds and reflects light. I love the way it sounds, flakes sifting through the bare branches of trees and grating against other flakes. I love the way it smells. Now, some look at me incredulously when I say snow has a smell, but I assure you, it does. It smells cold for one. And, well, it smells like snow. And I love it. I love romping in the snow then coming back inside and getting some hot chocolate (with Bailey's!) and snuggling in and watching it continue to snow.

And, since that had nothing at all to do with transition, I'll switch topics. I've been working out occasionally with my boyfriend and my buddy at my buddy's gym. It's been great. I find that I don't really get tired. Pretty much at all. Sure, my muscles get fatigued, but overall, not really tired. And I found some lovely new veins popping from my biceps the other day. That was fun. It was also fun to distract the boy with said biceps.

My injection site has barely been sore this time, and I'm quite pleased about that.

Uhum, nothing more, just excited about the short work week, the holiday pay and the celebratings tomorrow.

And here is my 3 day 'beard'.

So I got my ID. It may or may not have been sitting on my coffee table for a week or so, as it was mixed in with my roommate's mail. Oops. But I have it now. And that means that I can either go to the bank over a lunch break or next Monday. In the meantime, I'll have to carry both my new ID and my passport if I want to still use my debit and credit.

I did find out that the process for getting a new passport does not require my changing my birth certificate. I only have to get a note from my doctor and send my decree of legal name change. And some paperwork and some money.

I gave myself my shot yesterday. Left leg. No problems. It's only very vaguely sore this time around.

Acne sucks. As usual. I need to work on eating better and working out and spending more wisely. Those are my unofficial New Year's resolutions.

And here's the view everyone was waiting for, my stomach hair:

I guess my chest is getting a bit smaller. I hadn't really noticed. But for the hell of it, I decided to put on one of my compression shirts. It is not a binder, but it is made of spandex and I used to use this type as a binder, folded up over my chest. But when I tried this on, I didn't particularly need to fold it up. Sure, I wasn't as flat as with an actual binder, but with an undershirt and another shirt, no one would be the wiser. Just an interesting thing to note. However, while my breasts might be getting smaller, my chest itself seems to be getting bigger. Muscles I suppose. My newest binder tends to chafe me pretty badly if worn for too long. And I broke it in months ago. I feel that I've mentioned before how I'm a bit nervous about getting a new one when the time comes. I feel that the small really may be too small for my new muscle structure, but I'm afraid a medium will not bind appropriately. Such a dilemma.

I miss my boy. It sort of sucks not to wake up next to a warm body each morning if one is used to it after so long.

There's apparently a holiday coming right up. Who knew? I got some holiday pay today and will again tomorrow. That's very nice. I spent about a hundred bucks on my car on Wednesday. Got everything in good order though.

I just received via Royal air mail, my copy of Jonsi's live show DVD and CD. I couldn't have wished for better timing.

I don't like being alone at my house. But at least I'm getting some things done.

I am getting furrier. It is quote noticeable on my stomach. And I am getting more visible hairs around my nipples. Not exactly something I relish, but I know I cannot pick and choose. Also getting the infamous ass-crack hair. As I'm sure everyone wanted to know. Voice seems to be settling quite nicely. It still cracks occasionally. I notice it most when I'm trying to talk to dogs at work. My acne is sort of atrocious. It was staying right along my jawline and on my back, but now it's creeping up my cheeks and down my neck. I figure it might be getting irritated from shaving. I got a new sort of scrub for blackheads and I'm hoping that will solve the problem.

I've been spending far more money than I should. It's sort of ridiculous. I still really need a duvet cover for my down comforter though. And a mattress.

I am not getting anyone anything for Christmas for many reasons. One is that I don't really like Christmas. Another is that I'm fairly poor. Another is that I hate obligatory gifting. I like to give when I know someone wants or needs something. Also, I don't expect anything from anyone, although I already got edible goodies from my roommate and my mother. As if I need sugar.

I don't generally make New Year's resolutions, but I am going to certainly try to contain my sugar consumption after the holidays have passed.

Have I mentioned I'm happy beyond description? Because I am. There are no words. I am the king of the world.

37 weeks and 2 days

Back from a bit of a holiday. It was nice to get out of my routine for a bit. I love my friends. I love the new people I just met. I ate and drank and seldom slept. It's grand to be home. It is grand to be back in someone's lovely arms.

Since I haven't shaved since Friday, my prickles are pretty visible. Still just on my chin. Sort of ridiculous actually.

Today I take care of my poor car. And get ready for a short work week. One full day and two shortened ones. Hooray holidays.

I have nothing much to say.

I apparently suck at updating.

My life is swell. Best it's been in a very long time. And I'm about to take a bit of a holiday, so that will be even better.

I can tell I'm getting more hairy. That's about it. Oh, and more acne. I really need to work on that.

I went to the midnight premier of Tron last night/this morning. It was astounding. I was just hoping for it to be entertaining, but it was pretty effing awesome. Surely one I will own. I want to be Jeff Bridges. For sure.

I'll not likely update this weekend in Kansas, so see you on Tuesday or so.

DMV today. Now I have a piece of paper that says my real name, gender, height, address, weight, and eye color (yes, all of those changed.) They couldn't give me back my old license because it doesn't match. I'm not really looking forward to using my passport as my primary ID, but I suppose that it wouldn't be the end of the world if I lost it, as I'll be needing a new one soon anyhow.

I gave myself my shot today. I always feel like I'm not doing it quite right. But nothing bad has happened, so I guess I'm fine. I certainly was noticing that I was due for it though. Not terribly, but slightly on the feeling of emotions and the short temper. All will be well in days. And I know my appetite will rise as well. I need to work on that...

This weekend was nothing short of amazing. Quite possibly the best in my life. And it was mainly uneventful.

I've a short work week coming up. Then off to Kansas. I've also got a holiday party for work. I'm sort of looking forward to that. Mostly for the free food.

I don't like that it's 50 degrees at 6pm on the 12th of December. It makes me sick. I want snow. Even just a little. So badly.

I can feel the end of the T cycle. I've managed to stay in good moods, only snapped once on accident. I think the present company keeps me pretty level emotionally.

As far as changes. Well, I guess this is my place to be blunt. For posterity and all. Anyhow, I've read that one of the possible and even perhaps probable side effects of taking testosterone was vaginal dryness. Let's just say that eight plus months in, it's not a problem I'm facing. At all.

Tomorrow I go to the DMV. I get to be completely official. So exciting. And I get to stab myself.

I need to watch my sugar intake. And money spending. Yes.

end of line.

I got my new social security card today. It was fantastic to get my first piece of mail with my new full name on it. I may have been giddy for a bit. Might still be.

Glad it's the weekend. Looking forward to sleeping in.

DMV on Monday. This means I need to travel to Kansas with my passport though.

Damn, I need to stop spending money. Seriously. I am in debt to my credit card and I don't like that. I though I would catch up this month, but I forgot that this is the month that my quarterly car insurance goes through. Bummer.

I am headed to Kansas to visit one of my best friends next weekend. I am very excited to see her as it has been since Pride (June). I will also be seeing my ex-boyfriend who is still a very good friend. It will be good to catch up again and keep comparing T changes. I feel that I am lucky to have such good friends from people I've dated. It's sort of essential to me to maintain that connection.

Some friends and I went dancing last night. It was fun to be sure, though I feel that 18 is younger and younger each time I go. It's an 18+ club, but seriously some of those people looked about 13. And I know that I don't look my age, but really, it was sort of shocking.

I'm making dinner tonight. Breakfast burritos. Fantastic.

I haven't shaved for like four days. And my chin prickles are, well, prickly. And I seem to have more under my chin. Like not just on the point. My acne was getting bad for a bit, but I seem to have tamed it down a tad. It's still there, or course, but not readily noticeable. Hair is creeping in. I have noticed it getting a tad darker on my arms. And certainly my stomach. And yes, even my chest. Veins are regular now, I don't even notice until someone else does. And I've certainly outgrown size small button-ups which actually depresses me because it means I need to go find some more. I rather enjoy the muscles I've gained by not doing much though. I have only worked out nominally, and my shoulders are fairly huge. My legs are shaped correctly (as opposed to like a woman's). My hands are really strong. My thighs have a tendency to cramp up without warning, but luckily, my forearms have not had any such problems.

I really need to cut back on the sugar intake. I really am so weak around this time of year because I love mint, and apparently mint is a Christmas/winter flavor. Alas.

I feel like I'm a bit stagnant. But also accomplishing some things. I ordered my second vial of T. I did not work out. I sat on the internet. I pined a little.

I feel quite spoiled this past month. I've become used to sharing a bed. And it's fairly sad when it will just be me. But only for one night.

I sort of wish for snow. I mean, I cannot really drive in it, but I love it. Lots.

I'm rereading Everything Is Illuminated. I need to make a list of all the quotes from it. It's sort of intense how much I've underlined in that book. It's a sad book though. And I realized that really none of my favorite books are all that happy.

Anyhow. I've nothing specific to say about transition. Only that I find it interesting that I really seem to lack pretty much all dysphoria. I mean, I have it. I find it very necessary to bind. But beyond that, I guess I'm really quite comfortable with my body. And I think that's okay. We'll go with that.

8 months

Yep, this week is the eight month mark for hormones. I have to shave about every other day now because the little chin patch grows ridiculously quickly. It wouldn't be a problem, but nothing else really grows. So yeah.

Two weeks from now I'll be in Kansas with some good pals.

Today I went to the Denver Post and back to the court to get the final decree of name change. Then I went to Social Security and waited for almost two hours. But once I was seen, it was fast. I'll have my new card in about two weeks. Then I went to the DMV for the gender change paperwork. So now I just need to call my doctor and see if she has time to sign it this week so I can go back to the DMV next Monday for my new license.

Getting more and more sad that some of my great button-ups are getting too small. And so I need to switch over to mediums. Sad day. I don't want a new wardrobe. I will miss this plaid flannel. I wore it for the last time two days ago.

Guh, this hunger thing.

I worked out a bit today. That was good. It's been some time.

This weekend has potential to be busy. I really need to change the oil in my car. And Monday will be filled with running about to get name-change documentation. I need to get the affidavit from the Denver post, take it to the court to get the three copies of the decree to take to Social Security to get my new card. Then I need to go to the DMV and get the gender change paperwork to take to my doctor. Then next week, I'll have to run to the DMV again with both sets of paperwork to get my new license. Then, once the actual social security card comes (couple of weeks likely) I can change my name at work and at my bank and everywhere else. Whoo.

I really want these:

My leg was not as sore this time around and not sore for as long. So that's nice.

I think my stomach is furrier. It's odd how it really is so very gradual, but I only notice suddenly.

I like my life. I really do.

My workout these days has been carrying 50lb bags of litter all over the shelter.

sore leg.

sore heart.

have i mentioned i hate this time of year?

it's good to share though. good to not keep things so pent up.

i want to be happy. i am happy. exceptionally so, but this has been deterring me. hanging over my head in an almost unobtrusive way. i hope it all comes together soon.

working on being positive about my job. because it is a very good job. and i get paid quite well considering. i mean, it's well over minimum wage.

My leg is sore from the shot yesterday. And the hunger sets in so quickly. And I am tired. I think the end of the T cycle really does mess me up a bit emotionally. I get all restless and my head yells at me. Then I have to listen to Sigur Ros or Jonsi to make everything better. And cuddle. Always that.

But because I am so weary, I don't want to job search. I don't relish the thought of all the places I have to go to finalize my name change. It's all sort of overwhelming.

Can't I just pay someone to do it for me? Guh.

34 weeks

I went to court today. It was a bit nerve-wracking, but ultimately good. Paid $160 bucks to wait around for a bit then be called up by my previous name and asked why I wanted it changed. Then the judge signed it and I headed to the Denver Post to publish the ad for another $78. I'll have the proof of publication back by Friday and I can finish everything up on Monday. I'll take the proof back to the court for the final decree. Then I can use that to go to Social Security and the DMV. This also means I need to get the gender change from from the DMV and signed by my doctor very soon. Everything is coming together and it's terribly exciting.

Learned recently that the random circulation problems I've been having are likely related to the testosterone. It's apparently a side effect. So I don't necessary have to worry that my feet randomly fall asleep.

The past two days my feet have been killing me. I really have no real idea why. I mean, I was terribly drunk the other night and might have just ruined them stumbling about. Or it could be related to the hormones. Or something else. It's daft though. I just want to be well.

Besides my various bodily ailments, though, I am well. So very, very well.

I revived my final fingerprint letter. My buddy and I will head to the courthouse on Monday to file our name change petitions. I'm quite excited, to be sure. But also rather nervous. I mean, this is getting more and more final.

In the meantime, I have to get a certain form from the DMV and have my doctor sign it so I can change my gender on my license at the same time as I change the name. Get everything done at once and all.

And I have to pay some fees for the filing and possibly for the name change ad in the newspaper and possibly court fees. Good thing I've been doing well on not spending as much lately. Sort of.

I love weekends. It means that I don't have to turn off my alarm ("Teardrop" by Massive Attack - think House theme song) and leave the warmth of a cuddle. I don't have to immediately put on clothes and give goodbye kisses. Instead, I can stay ensconced in a cocoon of warmth and sleep the day away. Well, sort of. I'm not one for wasting days.

Noticed my arms again today. It's odd how they sometimes seem to suddenly change. They are quite manly. Not just muscle-wise, but also getting nicely hairy. And not gross hairy, just darker. Anyhow. Yeah. And I am noticing more of a 'happy trail' so that's fun. And a few random chest hairs, which is just awkward. More awkward to think about how I don't plan to have surgery and I'll just keep getting a hairy chest... *shudder* Ah well. Such is life. I have to shave my face every two days or so to keep the one patch of chin stubble away. It's sort of annoying because it's only the one patch. While looking at old photos of myself with a friend, I was told my face has changed a whole lot. It's good to hear such things. I ate a bunch of delicious food today at my friend's parents'. It was fun to be with a family for Thanksgiving. I really do love this holiday. And it's not just because of the copious amounts of food. I love the company. The time of year. The memories, I suppose. It's just nice. One of the very few holidays I actually like. And now to bed, to work again, as always. It's sort of pitiful how lonesome I feel. It's also odd that I decided to make this all one block of text with no paragraph breaks. Just a bit jumbled.

I hate being sick. Still.

I was thinking about my T today, and how for the past seven months or so I haven't cried. That changed Monday. I got a distressing phone call and I have never felt so helpless in all my life. I just wish I could make everything better. I just wish I could cure all the pain. Alas...

My voice is really deep. I think the cold has prompted it to be so deep, I hope it stays around though. Sometimes I wish people at work would notice and comment. I mean, I see them every day. And I'm changing right before their eyes. I suppose because it's such a gradual thing, they may not notice it, but it is there. Perhaps everyone just doesn't want to bring it up. Surely I'm not that stand-offish. Or perhaps I am. I've been told I'm unapproachable. Ah well.

I'm not looking forward to more nights of empty bed...

33 weeks and a day

I went to the parents this weekend. It was uneventful as related to my transition. My mom is just crazy and having a hard time in general. She got mad at me for stupid things that weren't even the real reason for any anger. My dad is awesome though. We talked about how sure, they never planned for either my brother or me to turn out as we have, but he understands that we cannot ever live up to anyone's expectations. He commented on how happy and comfortable I seemed. I told him this year has been the best of my life. I'm so very happy and content. I have the greatest group of friends a person could ask for. Friends that I can discuss important things with and also share long silences with comfortably. I think he got it.

It was really nice to get out of the city for a bit. I loved the snow and the countryside. I loved visiting the horses that are being boarded on my parent's property. I did really miss Denver though. I love this city. And I love the people in it. I missed one especially.

I've been really sick for the past few days. A killer cough, sinus drainage and even my eyes have been getting gunked shut over night. It's gross. But I don't think I need the doctor just yet. Will give it a few more days before subjecting myself to that.

It's been over two months since my last affliction. I think it's safe to say that's gone forever.

I'm starting to get sick, but my happiness is unabated.

Got everything set for traveling to my parents' this weekend. It should be a nice relaxing time. I think I'll miss my city though. And I really wish I could have found a way to switch out mattresses. Someday...

I will hopefully update tomorrow, but then not until Monday or Tuesday.

My leg really hurts. I like to think I'm not really a whiner, but yeah, it hurts sort of a lot.

I have noted that my appetite certainly fluctuates along the T cycle. Last week, I didn't eat a whole lot and never really wanted to eat more. This week I keep having random cravings. Today I craved (and therefore ate) a moon pie. Odd.

I head to my parents this weekend. I am looking forward to getting out of the city. But not for the mode of transportation. I am taking a van which takes 4 hours (the drive is 2.5) and the bus back. I was trying to work it out so that my dad would pick me up and therefore perhaps bring me a mattress to switch out from my far too soft one. I suppose my back will have to wait. I hope I can bring leftovers back with me.

When I was talking with my dad today he said that my mom was worried that I was visiting only to drop another bombshell. And I thought (and believe even said) "what more is there? I mean, obviously I'm not pregnant or getting anyone else pregnant. I suppose I could have AIDS or be addicted to drugs. I don't and I'm not, by the way, just trying to think what she'd be worried about. *shrug*

32 weeks

It's been over seven months on testosterone. Hard to believe, really. I was looking back at my early posts and remembering how some things changed so drastically. I don't even think about my sweat/smell anymore. I just deal with it to keep it at a minimum, but once, it was a big deal. I don't even think about my increased libido much, I just deal with it appropriately. My hunger I'm finally starting to get under control. My acne is manageable, if annoying. Hair continues to fill in. My voice continues to get lower. My muscles continue to build (with some help).

It's been a great journey. I'm not scared anymore. I know that this is right. And I'm heaps more comfortable in my body even though nothing drastic has really changed. My body is my own, I don't want it to change. Surgically, that is. I am resigned to the changes from T. I am looking forward to the peak and level. However, I still reside in the in-between. I am not done experimenting with gender. I just want to be able to more readily play with it from the other direction. I want to keep people guessing.

That said, I also want to have some places (new job) where I am relatively stealth, as trans anyway. Don't know that I could hide my flame for long. I don't need to be stealth. Trans is a big part of my identity, but I don't want to make others too uncomfortable on a regular basis. I suppose I don't know how to rightly express what I mean. I like to fuck with people, but I also don't like to weird them out too much. Or something. Hmm. Anyway.

I had the dreaded appointment today. It was fine. I was mostly just nervous because I didn't know what to expect. Even though numerous people described the process to me in gruesome detail. Anyhow, that's over with. They took three vials of blood. This time, for the first time, I get my T levels checked.

I self-injected without supervision for the first time. Uneventful.

I was also extremely productive. Cleaned, sewed, worked out, did not search for jobs. Ah well.

I don't have anything new to say.

The day was beautiful and I feel very well indeed.

I dread tomorrow. Sort of a lot. But everything will be okay. For sure.

I haven't been wigging out on the end of my T cycle like I was previously. No snapping, no over-emotional randomosity.

I am planning on visiting my parents next weekend. It should be good. Even better if my dad comes to pick me up and brings me a better mattress. Also, it would be good to converse with him on that drive. I enjoy my dad sans my mom.

I am so glad it's the weekend. Perhaps now I can catch up on sleep. And laundry.

A lot has happened this week, but much of it is not easily described. I'm happy though. Happiest I've been in a long time really. It's not that I wasn't happy before, I'm just more so now.

I've been doing decently on my eating habits. Possibly because I've been drinking too much and not wanting to eat. Haha. Not really though.

I shaved yesterday because my random stubbles were not appropriate for getting dressed slightly posh for my company's appreciation banquet. Also, I will keep shaved for seeing the parents in a week.

Monday is my dreaded doctor's appointment. The 'below the belt' one. I don't know what to think of it. I've never had such an appointment.

Things are good.

I'm going to shave tomorrow. Mostly because my five hairs are just sort of gross and also because there is a banquet for work and I'd like to look nice. And also, I don't want to weird my parents out too much.

I love the weather. It sort of snowed yesterday. This morning is clear and crisp and cold. I love it.

Last night I went to a screening of Two Spirits. It's the story of a Navajo boy who was also a girl. And he was murdered. It was good. Informative. I just want there to be more films about trans related issues that don't end in death...

My brain's been eating me from the inside. I don't sleep. I fucked up. It's hard to balance guilt and elation...

31 weeks

Time flies. I suppose I don't mind. It's been seven months.

My head is too full. I don't really know what to feel these days.

Today has been absolutely gorgeous. The perfect autumn day. The leaves are basically all on the ground and the wind rustles them constantly. The sky is such a deep blue that when I look at it I feel as though I may drown. The air is crisp and clean and of the perfect temperature.

I have not overeaten today which makes me very happy. Some homemade quiche for breakfast (good hangover cure) and a powerbar and some crackers. And a lot of water. Almost an entire water treatment plant, in fact. But not quite.

Today was not a good day. I don't even know what is wrong. Just very, very off.

My binder was killing me, so when I went for my run, I just wore an old sports bra. It was really weird. My chest has certainly changed shape and size. I'm really fairly flat now even without a binder. Still felt very uncomfortable though. But at least I wasn't chafing for that half hour. Anyhow.

Cuddles cure most ailments.

So apparently my voice is low. Like to the point that I cannot really control it? People have a tendency not to hear me and think I'm just rude. Twice today someone has greeted me, I've responded and then they angrily greeted me again. I'll have to work on that.

My small button-ups don't fit me very well anymore. How very, very sad.

what I've eaten:
toast with pb and h
pbj
apple
ice cream
chocolates
crackers
quesadilla with toms and cuc
(after midnight: scones, crackers)

Happy Guy Fawkes day.

Sick. Grr.


I came home from work early and napped. Hopefully this means that I will be well and won't need to call in tomorrow morning. I need to work.

Because I've decided to really watch what I'm eating, I've been keeping a log since Monday. Perhaps if I make it public, I'll be more aware of what I eat.

Nov 1:
half a chipotle burrito
mcdouble
2 pieces of candy
coffee ice cream and graham crackers

Nov2:
toast with peanut butter and honey
peanut butter and jelly sandwich
2 apples
quesadilla with tomato and cucumber

Nov 3:
toast with peanut butter and honey
peanut butter and jelly sandwich
apple
many pieces of candy
(I may or may not have a quesadilla again for dinner)



Here's a photos of my forearm. I rather enjoy that muscle.

I've been going through some body issues lately. Making me want to really really work on eating and exercising better. My binders have been cutting into me pretty badly under the arms. I suppose it could be that my chest muscles are growing, but it's the extra flesh that's suffering, so if I could get rid of that...

I'm getting all sinus sick. Definitely makes me want to be less active. However, it also makes me want to eat less, so whatever.

Did I mention I got my letter back from the FBI? Well, I did, I'm not a felon, so that's good. Now to get the second set back and file the petition. Wow, it's all coming together.

30 weeks

I just had my last teaching injection. I could have stopped going to them as soon as I had the vial, but I wanted to do it right. So now I can do it myself and save the $20 each visit. However, I did learn that the nurse who taught me the past two times was telling me incorrectly. I could have hit a nerve on the top of my thigh apparently. But I'm all straightened out now.

In two weeks, I have the big appointment. The one with the probing and the level checks and everything. I'm really just trying not to think about it too much.

I shaved yesterday. Hopefully for the last time in 30 days. However, I may change my mind if I go to see the parents. I might decide not to shock them too much.

I really like sharing a bed with a body. Not a dead one, to be clear. I just feel that I have more peaceful sleep, even if not as deep. Also: I like sleeping in not my bed as it is uncomfortably too soft.

I just watched Trans Generation, a documentary following four trans college students. It was very interesting. All but one of them had really rather fantastic family support. The girls really sort of irked me though. Just their attitudes. I think I need to know more transwomen, I seem to have a stinted view of them.

I am certainly becoming chubbier. No, really. I can actually tell a difference. This means I need to seriously watch what I put into my body, and also make a point to get more exercise. I feel that once this season of candy is over, it will be a bit easier for me. The chilly air will make it harder on my lungs to exercise though.

My chin is really prickly, how fun. Shaving tomorrow to get ready for no-shave November.

I get to be a Jedi. Perfect. Too bad I couldn't find/make green head tentacles. I didn't think of it until this morning. Kit Fisto would have been epic. Ah well.

Oddly, I've been thinking a lot about my facial hair. Not that I have much. I've decided to do no-shave November, so I actually need to shave Sunday, so I can be sure of how long and all that. An interesting thing I thought of was that I plan to go visit my parents the weekend before Thanksgiving. That's about three weeks of random, wispy stubble. Could be interesting. Also, this will be the first time since March, and before that, November that we'll likely discuss me. In depth. I think I'm ready for it though. I am confident in myself and I can deal with it.

This week has been a really off week. I haven't had a lot of social time, which is just as well because I've just felt strange. Stuck. Stuck in pretty much all aspects of life. I don't know what I'm doing or how to change it. I haven't slept much at all, though I've been doing my best to wear my body out. My mind just won't shut down.

I'll just get hammered this holiday weekend and sleep it all away. Good times.

I apparently fail at keeping up. I was home last night. Exhausted. Watching FlashForward. It's a good show, I recommend it. Some day perhaps I'll be able to sleep.

About November: I think I'm going to shave one last time, so I can gauge exactly how long and all of that. Because I don't remember the last time I shaved. However, it's certainly coming in. I can almost see my bits of mustache from a distance in the mirror. And I sort of feel my face all day long. It's prickly.

Have I mentioned I'm tired?

When will my exhaustion finally win and allow me to sleep well? Not this weekend. There's some festivities planned I hear.

I have decided to participate in no-shave November. This means my patchy whiskers will become wispy patches. It may look horrendous. But I will rock it.

I have been so very tired lately. I don't know just why. Might have to do with the sugar intake. I need to stop. Such a bad month for that.

I am planning my vacation to Kansas. Yes, Kansas. I go for the people. It will be fantastic.

Everyone at work now consistently uses male pronouns. Today the last two that used to use female ones used male ones. It was elating.

At the same time, I've been thinking a lot about pronouns. And how none of them really seem right. I mean, male is certainly more right than female, and I don't care to try neutral ones, but whenever pronouns are used, they always seem out of place. I know when people are talking about me, and I do get excited at the use of male ones, but I still feel detached from them. And I'm not sure why.

I talked to my mother recently. She said I should call them more. I almost retorted "why do you want me to be part of your life when you think what I am doing is wrong?" Because she asked a similar thing to me when I wanted input for my name. I did not say it, instead placating her with the promise to call next week sometime. I don't think I'll ever understand that woman.

My mustache is coming in a bit more thickly.

Many of my shirts don't fit as well anymore. They're getting a bit tight across the shoulders. It may mean that I have to switch to mediums for button-ups especially. I think once/if I can get my midriff under control, t-shits won't be a problem.

I'm going to not cut my hair for awhile. Sort of having a love/hate things going. Also, participating in no shave November. I may end up with a very strange wispy shadowy beard/mustache.

I love my friends. We watched movies, ate lasagna, and carved pumpkins. It was fun.

So exhausted though. I don't really know why.

Today was fairly productive.

Turned in my second set of fingerprints. Hopefully I'll get the letter back from the FBI within a week or two, saying I'm not a felon. Then a month or so for the CBI then I can file my name change petition and get all of this worked out before the new year. Exciting.

I then got all therapized. I haven't seen my therapist since June, so it was very nice to sort of catch up and all of that. We talked about religion an awful lot. I think I have a bit more peace of mind about all of that now. I probably shouldn't wait four months between visits again.

And I worked out. It was nice to get back to that. I am now consistently benching over one hundred pounds, so that's fun. I took my measurements and found that my arms have grown considerably since last I measure. That's quite exciting. My stomach, however, has not shrunk at all.

The weather has turned deliciously chilly. I absolutely love it. It energizes me. I'll likely go for a walk or even run tomorrow before work. I will take advantage of it until it's too cold and hurts my lungs to run.

Will someone please find a job for me? I get terribly discouraged looking for one... guh.

29 weeks

I should do a video. But I don't think I will.

I'm going to turn in my second set of fingerprints soon now. Get things even closer to name change. How exciting.

I've been feeling really down lately. It's possibly an effect of the T fluctuations. When I next see my doc, I'm going to ask if I can do half a dose ever week to even that out. Another reason for the down is the withdrawal from boyfriend cuddles. It really does have a profound effect on me. Makes my head very noisy as well.

My goals:
Eat less sugary food (and less in general)
Be more active (even if it's just a short walk and some push-ups each day)
Job search (try to find, and even apply for one job a week)
Save money (don't eat out, don't buy clothes, keep better track)

I love this weather.

I've been having some strange irritable mood things lately. I'd love to just blame them all on T, and I'm sure that hormone flux does play a part, but I need to be responsible for my own self. I need to get my ass to therapy (I've an appointment for Monday.) I need to get myself into a better place mentally so I can really start looking for jobs and not just feel depressed and upset about it. I need to stop being snappy with the people I interact with.

So I suck at trying to eat more healthily, but I have exercised for two days in a row, so that's a start.

I am getting continuously more hairy. I seem to have a bit of a seven-day shadow. Haha, I haven't shaved in a week, and I sort of have a faint mustache.

Something I neglected to mention earlier is that my affliction seems to have left, or at least it is over a week late which is really good and all I really asked. I would not be at all disappointed it it never returned.


I've been having those questioning thoughts again lately. The ones that sort of discourage me and leave me wondering if I'm doing the right thing with my life. I mean, I identify as a genderqeer person before a transguy. In this way, I should be able to live a perfectly comfortable life without changing anything. However, I've chosen to jump onto the regimen of injecting myself twice a month for the rest of my life. And it's really sort of scary. I mean, the changes are terribly exciting and I love them as they occur and all, but in the long run, the big picture, it's really pretty scary. And so I sometimes wonder if it's all a big mistake. If I'm putting my parents through a bunch of heartache for purely selfish reasons. If I'm letting go of old friends and clinging to new ones who support my choices. If I'm legitimately sinning against the god I was raised to love and follow.

And then I regress back into thinking about my former faith. And about how selfish I feel. And I realize that I need to work through these things thoroughly before I'll ever have peace of mind.

That said, I need to make an appointment with my therapist. And also really start looking for a different job.

28 weeks

I got my third injection today. I have one more 'teaching' one before I'm on my own. The last one they just have to watch and say nothing. In the meantime, my leg is sore already.

My voice has definitely changed since beginning injections. I think my hair has been coming in a bit thicker (not head hair). And reportedly, there's some growth of other sorts. My acne has certainly become a bit worse, but it's still manageable. My skin has been really dry and itchy on my arms, I wonder if that has anything to do with T, or just the change of seasons.

I was going to do a video when Lee was here, but alas, forgot. And I don't feel like doing one just now. Soon though.

I'm working on my bettering my health. I intend to get up each morning and go for a least a short run before work. I also want to run at my lunch breaks, especially if I neglect to do so in the mornings. And then the usual twice a week at the gym. I am not going to go too strict with any sort of diet, I just need to try to cut way down on the sweets.

I should probably schedule an appointment with my therapist. I haven't seen her since right after I started testosterone. I think it'd be a good idea.

This weekend was fairly astounding. I'm older than I once was (and younger than I'll be. That's not unusual.*) I had four whole nights and days with my boyfriend. I hung out and celebrated with the most important people of my life. I dressed up quite fancy and ate at a posh restaurant. I received my Converse boots and wore them every day. I watched How to Train Your Dragon, and loved it. I ate heaps of great food. Pet some horses. Yeah, it was a great time.

But I've just returned from the airport and therefore I'm a bit saddened now. I don't know just when the next time I'll see him will be. Hopefully December, but we'll work on it.

*Tell me who wrote that first.

I leave for the airport in an hour. This blog might not be updated regularly for several days.

I have nothing to report about T.

I was thinking about something to write about while I was at work, alas, I forgot to jot it in my notebook even though it's always on my person. Perhaps I'll remember later. In the meantime:

Autumn!

I neglected to blog yesterday on my 27 week mark. Ah well, nothing much to report. My chin is getting all stubbly. Unfortunately it's all rather blonde hairs. But exciting nonetheless. The more exciting thing is that in less than 48 hours I head the the airport to pick up my love. The rest of this week is going to be just swell.

It's been raining here, a lovely, chilly autumn rain. I love it. I don't relish driving in it, but I do love the change of seasons. This is the time of year I most miss about the country/mountains. I miss being able to go pick apples out of the back yard. I miss raking leaves into piles and playing in them. I miss eating breakfast on the porch on chilly mornings. I miss snuggling into blankets in front of the windows and watching the sky.

Ah well, I love my city too.

I love autumn. It is by far my favorite time of year. I love the chilly air. I love to wear hoodies and flannel. I love the way the air smells. I love the changing colors. I love drinking tea or hot chocolate and snuggling with friends. The only thing I could really do without is the lack of light. I hate coming home from work in the dark, or leaving in the dark.

Only two more days of work between me and a five day weekend with my boy. I cannot begin to detail my excitement.

I don't know what I would do without this group of friends. Perhaps if I were in school, they'd be a detriment to any homework. But I don't have to worry about that. I feel so content and happy when we're together in any combination. I've never had such a thing before. I certainly dig it.

Today we watched three animated Disney movies in a row. It was great.

A week from now, I'm going to tighten up my diet and really work on exercising. I've been running during my lunch breaks again, which is nice. I just need to keep it up. I've been very good about making it to the gym about twice a week. Recently someone pointed out to me that in order to actually show much progress, one needs to work out more than twice a week. While I know this is true, I feel that my two times is better than no times and I haven't the time for more times, so it will do. Also: I love playing with words.

Again, let me say, I love my friends. It's possible we're an odd sight for those not used to us. Perhaps others think we're some kinky 5 way poly-whatsit. But I for one, don't care, and I think the sentiment is shared. We are just very comfortable around one another. And it's rather divine.

Again, I am so tired.

Again, I need to start actually job searching. I need to set small, attainable goals. Like applying for one job a week, or at least amassing a plausible list of jobs to someday apply for. However, at this exact moment, I'm even too apathetic to set such goals. I'll work on it though. I can certainly feel my life being wasted daily.

Only three days of work until a gloriously long weekend. Only five days until I get to sleep with a lovely someone in my arms. Or not sleep as the case may be.

I like my voice. A whole lot.

I need to do laundry.

I should probably work on a costume, since it's the month for such things. I've never really celebrated Halloween though.

Still so tired. I wonder if it has to do with injections at all? Or perhaps I just don't sleep enough.

I love my friends, but I hate the vague cloud of tension that seems to envelope my larger group of friends on the whole. I hate losing friends. I hate lack of communication. I hate always playing the middle. I just want to sleep.

Things I've noted in transition: 1)my acne is getting slightly worse. I'm actually pleasantly surprised that it's not terrible. I had visions before beginning that I would be covered in pimples and scars from pimples. But it's really just along my jaw and on my back. I can handle that. 2) My neck hair is getting a bit intense. I decided that when I buzz my head, I haven't been bare buzzing my neck. Instead, I've been using the same guard as the rest of my hair. It's sort of interesting. I have a lot of neck hair. 3) I believe injections have prompted some more downstairs growth and sensitivity. And I will reiterated that this blog is for me primarily and I have no shame.

I am so ready for this week to be over. I am so ready for next Wednesday evening.

Note: I am an emotional sponge. I've been basking happily in the all the positive emotion I've gleaned. And yes, I've generated it as well, to be sure. But occasionally, there is a shadow. When someone I care about is hurting, it reflects on me. Does that make me more a mirror or a sponge? I guess I don't know. But it does affect me.

I will sleep early tonight, if my head will let me.

My left thigh is terribly sore today. Youch. I wonder if that will happen every time I inject for the rest of my life?

I really need to get my act together and apply for jobs. I just don't want to think about it. At all. Ever.

I'm worn out. I feel old. I just want to sleep forever. Preferably with a certain someone in my arms. But yeah, forever. But he comes soon. And I can sleep with him in my arms.

Anyone feel like puking from mushy yet? hehe.

26 weeks

Lunch with the parents was essentially uneventful. I wore shorts that are basically capris. Showed some leg hair. I did this because I had an appointment to be stabbed in the thigh later. Anyhow, my parents did not comment on anything. Not the haircut, not the voice, not the hairy legs. My dad did ask about my tattoo, but that was the extent. I had a lovely lunch of sushi, which my parents would adamantly not share with me. My mother insisted upon using female pronouns in public. I don't really mind all that much, I just can definitely tell that it isn't me anymore. And soon enough my mum will look foolish for doing so.

After lunch I went to get my first teaching injection. It was painless and easy and after next time I'm on my own. Sort of thrilling.

Worked out. Now my injected leg is super sore.

I'm starting to try to eat more healthfully again. And today was decent for that. I knew my parents were taking me to lunch, so I didn't even eat breakfast this morning. Then I had sushi. I also had dessert, but that's allowable. Then later I had a piece of my mum's homemade peach pie that she brought me. And then breakfast burritos at my friend's. I think It was a decent amount. Working on it.

I am so tired. I feel all old and shit. Four days of drinking never used to take so much out of me. I need a rest.

My friend is currently in the hospital. She apparently was hit on her scooter and broke several bones. Send good energy?

I love my life.

I love my friends.

I love my voice today. It is probably more due to lack of sleep and excessive alcohol, but it's quite low and a bit raspy.

I wrestled last night (and remembered!) And it was lovely. I have some battle wounds, which is fun. Lay around all day long nursing the hangover. Fat Jack's is god.

My arm hair is darker.

My parents come tomorrow. I don't know if I should wear pants or shorts. I don't know if I should pack. Should I show off my tattoos? Does any of this even matter?

I need to cut my hair again tonight. My parents have never seen this hairstyle, regardless of the fact that I had it for about 5 months not long back. It might be a topic of conversation.

That one boy comes in 10 days. I could not be more excited.

My voice has been cracking like crazy. How exciting.

Birthday fun tomorrow and all month. Fantastic.

I am living a bit thin because I refuse to dip into my savings. So I'm trying to take it easy on my credit card and last until I get paid on the 11th. All will be well.

I need to make a goal concerning applying for jobs.

Is it weird that I'm stressing about what to wear when my parents take me to lunch on Monday? I just can't decide if I want them to see my hairy legs. Or if I want to be total gay boy. Or wear something more baggy, or? Yeah, it's an odd thought process. I think I'll just wing it and wear whatever works when I wake up. Not like that will really happen though, too much of a planner. We'll see.

I feel like my workout was great today. I think I pushed myself a bit, I usually don't. Today felt nice. We'll see if I'm sore.

I was hungry today. That doesn't usually happen. I eat plenty. I can only assume the T is affecting me again. Finally.

And I have to wake up in just over 6 hours. So I'm gone.

Well, group therapy moved to a different day. So that's interesting. I should really go see my therapist sometime soon, haven't been there for months. But I need money first. And I haven't really got any of that because I'm loathe to dip into my savings account. It's the only thing keeping me from being depressed. Because I'm saving to vacate the country sometime within the year.

I wanted to again say that I love my friends. This group is quite honestly the closest group of friends I've ever had, physically and emotionally and whatever other way. Our topics of conversation are varied and interesting. We have silly times and deep times and quiet times and many loud times. I especially like cuddly times. I just feel totally comfortable with all of them. It is my policy to be honest, but I am rarely open. With them, I'm both, and it's lovely.

Thirteen days until I collect my lovely boy from the airport. I'm rather excited as I'm sure you all can imagine. I have the days off work, I have an outing planned. I have a wonderful formal outfit that hopefully will get some use.

There were some weird questions in my mind some months ago concerning this relationship. Most were related to the distance. But I've put them to rest. I've made my decision, my commitment. And I'm loving it. Everything will be okay.

Transition related: I think my voice is dropping. It's cracking a lot today. I surely hope I'm not getting sick. I seem to have a few more chin stubbles. That's fun.

Workout tomorrow, I really want to push myself. I want to be sore.

Wow, I'm glad I don't edit these really, they are usually such a jumble of random thoughts. No transitions, no proper flow. Maybe someday I'll be able to actually write again.

Well, I've been busy this week. Wish birthday drinking. And the birthday drinking won't end at all this month. There's a party every weekend in October and one of them is mine. (Come to Swallows on the 15th.)

I've nothing to report that is necessarily trans-related. I guess I met another guy last night who of course knows one or two people I do. Because in this community, we all basically know one another.

I'm tired, and tired of being tired. It's not just lack of sleep, but lack of actually being awake as well. I need some change. And I know I just keep on saying it. Someday I'll actually go do things. But it may not be soon.

Don't remember if I mentioned that my parents are coming to Denver and taking me to lunch on Monday. It should be fine. It's apparently my birthday lunch. I need to decide where to take them.

Got my shirt back from the tailor. It now fits me very well and I'm quite happy. It cos more to get it tailored than I paid for it, but it's worth it because it's obviously irreplaceable. So I now have my whole getup. And I'm pleased. Broke-ish, but pleased.

I've been fighting the random waves of melancholy that seem to plague me. I am able to fight them by simply being with others. I don't have to touch anyone (though that helps even more) I don't even have to be talking. Just being. And being together. It's somehow very comforting to sit in silence with someone. No awkwardness. It's a form of trust really. To not feel the pressure to divulge or pry or fill the emptiness with useless words. I value the silences as much as I value deep discussions. There is a profundity in simply being - together.

My parents are coming to Denver on and errand next Monday and they wish to have lunch with me. This means I'll get a free lunch. It also may mean that we discuss some things that might not go so well. Also, I've my second shot later that day, I wonder if that will come up at all.

I failed at most of the errands I was to do today. I did not backup my computer except onto my iPod. I did not clean out my closets. And I did not apply for any jobs.

Apathy wins again.

I had a rather good day hanging out with a buddy and shopping. It was rather too hot out though. I found a vest! Finally. And also matching pants. Some shoes and braces (white) to compliment everything. Now, as soon as I get my shirt back from the tailor, I'll have a photo shoot. Here's a taste:

So glad it's the weekend. Only two full weeks and 2 days of work until I see that one awesome guy.

I realized that it's not just apathy that has caused the stalling in my job search, but the fact that I'm tired. I don't want to think. And I'm unhappy. And I don't want to apply anywhere with a taint of unhappy. So I need to work on that.

The vest arrived, alas it is too large. The hunt for the perfect gray vest is still in progress. I'd love to find one with pants to match.

Just watched "A Single Man." It was interesting. Very slow and rather depressing, but artistic and thought-provoking.

I was in adoptable dogs today. This means that I got to clean approximately 60 kennels this morning. Morning being from 7:30 until about 1 when I went to clean some kittens that were ringworm exposed and almost got eaten by a mean mamma cat. Then I went to lunch.

I liked the day because I kept busy. However, even with music blasting and dogs barking, I spent way too much time in my head. I can't tell you what I was thinking of, because it was everything. Future, past, friends, family. It was sort of overwhelming.

But The remainder of the day has been chill. I worked out. I watched the film. I'm taking it easy. It's okay.

Everything will be okay.

It's strange not to have to rub the testosterone cream on every day.

I have noticed a few hairs on the insides of my elbows. Weird?

I hung out with my lovely friends, some of which I haven't seen in quite some time. Darn school (for others) and distance and all.

Nineteen days until my boy comes.

I need to be searching for jobs. I have a degree. I really should be getting paid more. And should be doing something I actually like.

The world sort of depresses me. I don't really follow the news. Just the occasional random bits, even though my homepage is BBC. I probably should get back into such things. And try to find gainful employ in that realm perhaps.

I'm very excited that my shirt is currently being tailored to fit me. I tried very hard to find a replacement, but in the end, nothing could replace my awesome purple shirt, so I just found a place to do alterations and it will be done my Tuesday!

I had to charge up my old phone to use as an alarm clock last night because I left my phone at a friend's. On the phone, I found several old saved text messages. One of them particularly warmed my heart. "im proud of you. the world is a better place because of you." This was sent to me last November when I was visiting my parents. I very much miss the friend who sent it.

Today a coworker asked me if she could ask personal questions. So I submitted to being asked if I was going to do the 'sex change', which I interpreted as surgery. So I said I had no intentions on that, but I told her I am already on hormones. She concluded the session by saying that she thinks everyone should do what they need to do and just be smart about it. It was an odd conversation, but not a bad one.

I got the T hunger back today. Sort of depressing how much I ate actually. Ah well.

Cut my hair back to the emo forelock/flop 'hawk. It makes me quite happy.

I forgot to mention that yesterday my doctor commented that my voice sounded deeper. So I guess it really is changing. Hopefully more now though.

Today was fairly usual at work until I left early to go to a sort of training thing for an event. And it wasn't there and I was gypped an hour of pay. Frustrating.

But I had a wonderful dinner and cuddles with friends. But alas, I left my phone behind. I'll have to break out an old fashioned alarm clock and scare myself to death in the morning. So be it.

I think it's time to bring the emo forelock back. I just can't seem to make the sides of my hair do what I'd like them to. So they shall be buzzed soon. It's finally about long enough.

Today was eventful in several ways. First, I woke up after a pleasant, but somewhat unnerving dream. This began my head ravenously devouring my heart and soul for the remainder of the day. I have been over thinking everything. I haven’t had this sort of over thinking since before I was on testosterone, so I can only assume that the lack of T is affecting me.

The next event was my doctor’s appointment, which I got out of work for. I waited in the office for some time, and then was asked a bunch of random things. I made sure to emphasize that not only was I out of T, but that the dosage wasn’t really working for me as I still have my period. In which case, my doctor wrote me two prescriptions. One for a one dose vial which I immediately filled and another for a large vial to last me several months. I returned with the one-dose vial and had the nurse shoot me. It was as expected, and somehow, my head/emotions felt almost immediately better.

I will go in two weeks from now to be taught how to self-inject.

It’s interesting to think again about how this is my life. This will be the rest of my life. I will inject hormones into my flesh every two weeks for the remainder of my life. It leaves me in a bit of awe.

I wish I could help everyone who hurts.

Log of what I’ve eaten:

Brandied peaches and yoghurt
Peanut butter and jelly sandwich
2 Powerbars
Quesadilla
Bratwurst
Handful of candy corn
5 graham crackers with hot chocolate

24

Well, another week has passed, 24 weeks now. Again, no notable changes. I've been off T for three days. I have an appointment tomorrow which I hope will end in me getting stabbed or getting a prescription to be stabbed in the near future.

I need to travel. I love this city and the people I know here, but I haven't left the state, let alone the country in over three years. Ridiculous. This needs to change. I guess what needs to change first is my saving of money. Perhaps I also need to work on getting a job with better pay. I've actually recently been thinking about going the EMT/Paramedic route with a chance of firefighting added in. I know that I've never really mentioned an interest in such things before. But I feel like it's a very direct way to help people and very likely pays better than my current job. I know it's not necessarily easy, but I need change. So I may be working toward that here soon. If I can find a way to stop being apathetic.

I've begun to think I need to keep a log of what I eat daily. I may not make it public, but just keeping track will surely help me out. I eat far too much sugar. And well, far too much really. I need to knock it off.

Just got back from my stint out of the city. It was really good minus all the driving...

My friend's wedding was beautiful and I saw some people that I haven't seen in ages. One of my favorite teachers from high school was there, but she didn't even recognize me. I didn't press it. Camping was great. We drank a lot. I probably drank too much. As usual. It was gorgeous in the mountains. The leaves are all turning and the air was fresh and it was so quiet and the stars were so bright. Visiting the parents wasn't so bad. I was only there for a brief moment as they were busy. Now I'm exhausted and glad to be out of the binder.

I'm trying not to worry about being off T. I will get it all worked out on Tuesday. Everything will be okay.

I was gendertrolling Omegle again recently. Most everyone always asks 'm/f?'. And I use it as an opportunity to spread some knowledge about transpeople. I told a fellow that I was male, but in a female body. Then I told him I was trans. He asked if I'd had an operation. The answer is no, of course, and he replied "so your not trans yet. i win haha" and disconnected. I don't know why the general notion is such that people cannot be trans unless they have heaps of money and undergo some major cutting. Also, not sure what he won.

Used the last of my testosterone cream last night. Didn't know I was that low. Went to refill online, and I'm out of refills. Crap. So I called my doctor, urgently, and I have an appointment for next Tuesday. This means four days without T. Hopefully I will be able to transition to injections. I really just need this affliction to go away.

I'm headed out of the city first thing tomorrow. We're all stocked up on food and beer. I'm quite ready to get out for a bit. I haven't camped in far too long. Still not sure how I feel about visiting the parents, but we'll play it by ear.

I just want to cuddle. For some reason this week has been almost cuddle free. What's up with that?

Today I am tired. I bought a laptop fan though. And a tripod. Both about $15, so that's good.

Called my doc again, as she hasn't called me back. I need her to find a way to zap this daft reminder of my feminine body. Hopefully she calls back tomorrow.

I ate far too much candy today. But at least it was free? I should keep a log of what I eat so I can try to be more healthy. Yes. I shall work on that.

etc.

I cooked Kenyan food, it was terribly enjoyable. I feel all nostalgic now. And I do so love my friends. And I love that everyone really does get along quite well.

I have cramps and I'm very grumpy about it. And I do not relish having to buy tampons tomorrow. Grrr. I do hope my doc calls me back soon. And I do hope we get this resolved before next month. If I have another of these sessions... and while the boy is here... hell to pay. hell to pay.

Now preparations begin for camping this weekend. And attending a wedding. And stopping to see my parents. It'll be packed.

Did I mention I have new tires that don't chirp when I turn? Did I mention they are far less likely to blow as I cross the passes? I'm rather excited about these things. Also, pretty affordable.

Things I need:

a tripod for my camera. I get tired of using the same angles all the time because that's where my window ledge or bookcase or dresser happens to be.

a fan for my laptop. My other one broke and I can certainly tell the difference. My computer gets warm to the touch and starts to process more slowly.

a new/different mattress. This one is very nice, very expensive and sadly far too soft. It was free, I don't feel bad about not liking it. I don't foresee me getting a new one anytime soon though.




Apologies for sharing part of my wish list, for some reason it seemed appropriate to add here.

Today the affliction visited me today. I promptly called my doctor to inform her that my dosage wasn't enough, it wasn't working. This may mean that I need to switch to injections, as an increased dose of the cream will also increase the cost. At this point I don't really care. I just don't want to have this monthly reminder that I have ovaries and a uterus. I'd rather just forget. I believe I said that I would cry for days if it happened again, but I was at work, and that would be interesting to explain. Also, I cannot really cry. However, my previous suspicion that acne gets worse at this time is confirmed. No wonder I've been having such a problem.

I've also been eating a lot of candy. I just crave it all the time. Trying to pace myself though.

Currently cooking the first bit of my Kenyan dinner. I'm excited. I hope it turns out well.

23 weeks

Today was a productive day off. I went to get my tire patched only to be told that they it and the other front tire were too worn to do anything with. So I had to buy two tires. I got used ones for $63. I feel pretty happy that I got a good deal there. And now I can cross the passes this weekend without worrying about a possible flat.

I worked out again today. That makes a total of 5 workouts in 3 weeks. And I took my measurements and nothing at all has changed. I didn't expect anything to. I need to keep at it though.

I went shopping for ingredients for my Kenyan dinner. I'm excited.

I can sense some tension between some friend groups. I really hate that feeling. Hopefully things work out. And soon.

Today I really missed a boy. Most of the time, I can deal with distance, but sometimes it just hits me really hard. One month.