I am certainly becoming chubbier. No, really. I can actually tell a difference. This means I need to seriously watch what I put into my body, and also make a point to get more exercise. I feel that once this season of candy is over, it will be a bit easier for me. The chilly air will make it harder on my lungs to exercise though.

My chin is really prickly, how fun. Shaving tomorrow to get ready for no-shave November.

I get to be a Jedi. Perfect. Too bad I couldn't find/make green head tentacles. I didn't think of it until this morning. Kit Fisto would have been epic. Ah well.

Oddly, I've been thinking a lot about my facial hair. Not that I have much. I've decided to do no-shave November, so I actually need to shave Sunday, so I can be sure of how long and all that. An interesting thing I thought of was that I plan to go visit my parents the weekend before Thanksgiving. That's about three weeks of random, wispy stubble. Could be interesting. Also, this will be the first time since March, and before that, November that we'll likely discuss me. In depth. I think I'm ready for it though. I am confident in myself and I can deal with it.

This week has been a really off week. I haven't had a lot of social time, which is just as well because I've just felt strange. Stuck. Stuck in pretty much all aspects of life. I don't know what I'm doing or how to change it. I haven't slept much at all, though I've been doing my best to wear my body out. My mind just won't shut down.

I'll just get hammered this holiday weekend and sleep it all away. Good times.

I apparently fail at keeping up. I was home last night. Exhausted. Watching FlashForward. It's a good show, I recommend it. Some day perhaps I'll be able to sleep.

About November: I think I'm going to shave one last time, so I can gauge exactly how long and all of that. Because I don't remember the last time I shaved. However, it's certainly coming in. I can almost see my bits of mustache from a distance in the mirror. And I sort of feel my face all day long. It's prickly.

Have I mentioned I'm tired?

When will my exhaustion finally win and allow me to sleep well? Not this weekend. There's some festivities planned I hear.

I have decided to participate in no-shave November. This means my patchy whiskers will become wispy patches. It may look horrendous. But I will rock it.

I have been so very tired lately. I don't know just why. Might have to do with the sugar intake. I need to stop. Such a bad month for that.

I am planning my vacation to Kansas. Yes, Kansas. I go for the people. It will be fantastic.

Everyone at work now consistently uses male pronouns. Today the last two that used to use female ones used male ones. It was elating.

At the same time, I've been thinking a lot about pronouns. And how none of them really seem right. I mean, male is certainly more right than female, and I don't care to try neutral ones, but whenever pronouns are used, they always seem out of place. I know when people are talking about me, and I do get excited at the use of male ones, but I still feel detached from them. And I'm not sure why.

I talked to my mother recently. She said I should call them more. I almost retorted "why do you want me to be part of your life when you think what I am doing is wrong?" Because she asked a similar thing to me when I wanted input for my name. I did not say it, instead placating her with the promise to call next week sometime. I don't think I'll ever understand that woman.

My mustache is coming in a bit more thickly.

Many of my shirts don't fit as well anymore. They're getting a bit tight across the shoulders. It may mean that I have to switch to mediums for button-ups especially. I think once/if I can get my midriff under control, t-shits won't be a problem.

I'm going to not cut my hair for awhile. Sort of having a love/hate things going. Also, participating in no shave November. I may end up with a very strange wispy shadowy beard/mustache.

I love my friends. We watched movies, ate lasagna, and carved pumpkins. It was fun.

So exhausted though. I don't really know why.

Today was fairly productive.

Turned in my second set of fingerprints. Hopefully I'll get the letter back from the FBI within a week or two, saying I'm not a felon. Then a month or so for the CBI then I can file my name change petition and get all of this worked out before the new year. Exciting.

I then got all therapized. I haven't seen my therapist since June, so it was very nice to sort of catch up and all of that. We talked about religion an awful lot. I think I have a bit more peace of mind about all of that now. I probably shouldn't wait four months between visits again.

And I worked out. It was nice to get back to that. I am now consistently benching over one hundred pounds, so that's fun. I took my measurements and found that my arms have grown considerably since last I measure. That's quite exciting. My stomach, however, has not shrunk at all.

The weather has turned deliciously chilly. I absolutely love it. It energizes me. I'll likely go for a walk or even run tomorrow before work. I will take advantage of it until it's too cold and hurts my lungs to run.

Will someone please find a job for me? I get terribly discouraged looking for one... guh.

29 weeks

I should do a video. But I don't think I will.

I'm going to turn in my second set of fingerprints soon now. Get things even closer to name change. How exciting.

I've been feeling really down lately. It's possibly an effect of the T fluctuations. When I next see my doc, I'm going to ask if I can do half a dose ever week to even that out. Another reason for the down is the withdrawal from boyfriend cuddles. It really does have a profound effect on me. Makes my head very noisy as well.

My goals:
Eat less sugary food (and less in general)
Be more active (even if it's just a short walk and some push-ups each day)
Job search (try to find, and even apply for one job a week)
Save money (don't eat out, don't buy clothes, keep better track)

I love this weather.

I've been having some strange irritable mood things lately. I'd love to just blame them all on T, and I'm sure that hormone flux does play a part, but I need to be responsible for my own self. I need to get my ass to therapy (I've an appointment for Monday.) I need to get myself into a better place mentally so I can really start looking for jobs and not just feel depressed and upset about it. I need to stop being snappy with the people I interact with.

So I suck at trying to eat more healthily, but I have exercised for two days in a row, so that's a start.

I am getting continuously more hairy. I seem to have a bit of a seven-day shadow. Haha, I haven't shaved in a week, and I sort of have a faint mustache.

Something I neglected to mention earlier is that my affliction seems to have left, or at least it is over a week late which is really good and all I really asked. I would not be at all disappointed it it never returned.


I've been having those questioning thoughts again lately. The ones that sort of discourage me and leave me wondering if I'm doing the right thing with my life. I mean, I identify as a genderqeer person before a transguy. In this way, I should be able to live a perfectly comfortable life without changing anything. However, I've chosen to jump onto the regimen of injecting myself twice a month for the rest of my life. And it's really sort of scary. I mean, the changes are terribly exciting and I love them as they occur and all, but in the long run, the big picture, it's really pretty scary. And so I sometimes wonder if it's all a big mistake. If I'm putting my parents through a bunch of heartache for purely selfish reasons. If I'm letting go of old friends and clinging to new ones who support my choices. If I'm legitimately sinning against the god I was raised to love and follow.

And then I regress back into thinking about my former faith. And about how selfish I feel. And I realize that I need to work through these things thoroughly before I'll ever have peace of mind.

That said, I need to make an appointment with my therapist. And also really start looking for a different job.

28 weeks

I got my third injection today. I have one more 'teaching' one before I'm on my own. The last one they just have to watch and say nothing. In the meantime, my leg is sore already.

My voice has definitely changed since beginning injections. I think my hair has been coming in a bit thicker (not head hair). And reportedly, there's some growth of other sorts. My acne has certainly become a bit worse, but it's still manageable. My skin has been really dry and itchy on my arms, I wonder if that has anything to do with T, or just the change of seasons.

I was going to do a video when Lee was here, but alas, forgot. And I don't feel like doing one just now. Soon though.

I'm working on my bettering my health. I intend to get up each morning and go for a least a short run before work. I also want to run at my lunch breaks, especially if I neglect to do so in the mornings. And then the usual twice a week at the gym. I am not going to go too strict with any sort of diet, I just need to try to cut way down on the sweets.

I should probably schedule an appointment with my therapist. I haven't seen her since right after I started testosterone. I think it'd be a good idea.

This weekend was fairly astounding. I'm older than I once was (and younger than I'll be. That's not unusual.*) I had four whole nights and days with my boyfriend. I hung out and celebrated with the most important people of my life. I dressed up quite fancy and ate at a posh restaurant. I received my Converse boots and wore them every day. I watched How to Train Your Dragon, and loved it. I ate heaps of great food. Pet some horses. Yeah, it was a great time.

But I've just returned from the airport and therefore I'm a bit saddened now. I don't know just when the next time I'll see him will be. Hopefully December, but we'll work on it.

*Tell me who wrote that first.

I leave for the airport in an hour. This blog might not be updated regularly for several days.

I have nothing to report about T.

I was thinking about something to write about while I was at work, alas, I forgot to jot it in my notebook even though it's always on my person. Perhaps I'll remember later. In the meantime:

Autumn!

I neglected to blog yesterday on my 27 week mark. Ah well, nothing much to report. My chin is getting all stubbly. Unfortunately it's all rather blonde hairs. But exciting nonetheless. The more exciting thing is that in less than 48 hours I head the the airport to pick up my love. The rest of this week is going to be just swell.

It's been raining here, a lovely, chilly autumn rain. I love it. I don't relish driving in it, but I do love the change of seasons. This is the time of year I most miss about the country/mountains. I miss being able to go pick apples out of the back yard. I miss raking leaves into piles and playing in them. I miss eating breakfast on the porch on chilly mornings. I miss snuggling into blankets in front of the windows and watching the sky.

Ah well, I love my city too.

I love autumn. It is by far my favorite time of year. I love the chilly air. I love to wear hoodies and flannel. I love the way the air smells. I love the changing colors. I love drinking tea or hot chocolate and snuggling with friends. The only thing I could really do without is the lack of light. I hate coming home from work in the dark, or leaving in the dark.

Only two more days of work between me and a five day weekend with my boy. I cannot begin to detail my excitement.

I don't know what I would do without this group of friends. Perhaps if I were in school, they'd be a detriment to any homework. But I don't have to worry about that. I feel so content and happy when we're together in any combination. I've never had such a thing before. I certainly dig it.

Today we watched three animated Disney movies in a row. It was great.

A week from now, I'm going to tighten up my diet and really work on exercising. I've been running during my lunch breaks again, which is nice. I just need to keep it up. I've been very good about making it to the gym about twice a week. Recently someone pointed out to me that in order to actually show much progress, one needs to work out more than twice a week. While I know this is true, I feel that my two times is better than no times and I haven't the time for more times, so it will do. Also: I love playing with words.

Again, let me say, I love my friends. It's possible we're an odd sight for those not used to us. Perhaps others think we're some kinky 5 way poly-whatsit. But I for one, don't care, and I think the sentiment is shared. We are just very comfortable around one another. And it's rather divine.

Again, I am so tired.

Again, I need to start actually job searching. I need to set small, attainable goals. Like applying for one job a week, or at least amassing a plausible list of jobs to someday apply for. However, at this exact moment, I'm even too apathetic to set such goals. I'll work on it though. I can certainly feel my life being wasted daily.

Only three days of work until a gloriously long weekend. Only five days until I get to sleep with a lovely someone in my arms. Or not sleep as the case may be.

I like my voice. A whole lot.

I need to do laundry.

I should probably work on a costume, since it's the month for such things. I've never really celebrated Halloween though.

Still so tired. I wonder if it has to do with injections at all? Or perhaps I just don't sleep enough.

I love my friends, but I hate the vague cloud of tension that seems to envelope my larger group of friends on the whole. I hate losing friends. I hate lack of communication. I hate always playing the middle. I just want to sleep.

Things I've noted in transition: 1)my acne is getting slightly worse. I'm actually pleasantly surprised that it's not terrible. I had visions before beginning that I would be covered in pimples and scars from pimples. But it's really just along my jaw and on my back. I can handle that. 2) My neck hair is getting a bit intense. I decided that when I buzz my head, I haven't been bare buzzing my neck. Instead, I've been using the same guard as the rest of my hair. It's sort of interesting. I have a lot of neck hair. 3) I believe injections have prompted some more downstairs growth and sensitivity. And I will reiterated that this blog is for me primarily and I have no shame.

I am so ready for this week to be over. I am so ready for next Wednesday evening.

Note: I am an emotional sponge. I've been basking happily in the all the positive emotion I've gleaned. And yes, I've generated it as well, to be sure. But occasionally, there is a shadow. When someone I care about is hurting, it reflects on me. Does that make me more a mirror or a sponge? I guess I don't know. But it does affect me.

I will sleep early tonight, if my head will let me.

My left thigh is terribly sore today. Youch. I wonder if that will happen every time I inject for the rest of my life?

I really need to get my act together and apply for jobs. I just don't want to think about it. At all. Ever.

I'm worn out. I feel old. I just want to sleep forever. Preferably with a certain someone in my arms. But yeah, forever. But he comes soon. And I can sleep with him in my arms.

Anyone feel like puking from mushy yet? hehe.

26 weeks

Lunch with the parents was essentially uneventful. I wore shorts that are basically capris. Showed some leg hair. I did this because I had an appointment to be stabbed in the thigh later. Anyhow, my parents did not comment on anything. Not the haircut, not the voice, not the hairy legs. My dad did ask about my tattoo, but that was the extent. I had a lovely lunch of sushi, which my parents would adamantly not share with me. My mother insisted upon using female pronouns in public. I don't really mind all that much, I just can definitely tell that it isn't me anymore. And soon enough my mum will look foolish for doing so.

After lunch I went to get my first teaching injection. It was painless and easy and after next time I'm on my own. Sort of thrilling.

Worked out. Now my injected leg is super sore.

I'm starting to try to eat more healthfully again. And today was decent for that. I knew my parents were taking me to lunch, so I didn't even eat breakfast this morning. Then I had sushi. I also had dessert, but that's allowable. Then later I had a piece of my mum's homemade peach pie that she brought me. And then breakfast burritos at my friend's. I think It was a decent amount. Working on it.

I am so tired. I feel all old and shit. Four days of drinking never used to take so much out of me. I need a rest.

My friend is currently in the hospital. She apparently was hit on her scooter and broke several bones. Send good energy?

I love my life.

I love my friends.

I love my voice today. It is probably more due to lack of sleep and excessive alcohol, but it's quite low and a bit raspy.

I wrestled last night (and remembered!) And it was lovely. I have some battle wounds, which is fun. Lay around all day long nursing the hangover. Fat Jack's is god.

My arm hair is darker.

My parents come tomorrow. I don't know if I should wear pants or shorts. I don't know if I should pack. Should I show off my tattoos? Does any of this even matter?

I need to cut my hair again tonight. My parents have never seen this hairstyle, regardless of the fact that I had it for about 5 months not long back. It might be a topic of conversation.

That one boy comes in 10 days. I could not be more excited.

My voice has been cracking like crazy. How exciting.

Birthday fun tomorrow and all month. Fantastic.

I am living a bit thin because I refuse to dip into my savings. So I'm trying to take it easy on my credit card and last until I get paid on the 11th. All will be well.

I need to make a goal concerning applying for jobs.

Is it weird that I'm stressing about what to wear when my parents take me to lunch on Monday? I just can't decide if I want them to see my hairy legs. Or if I want to be total gay boy. Or wear something more baggy, or? Yeah, it's an odd thought process. I think I'll just wing it and wear whatever works when I wake up. Not like that will really happen though, too much of a planner. We'll see.

I feel like my workout was great today. I think I pushed myself a bit, I usually don't. Today felt nice. We'll see if I'm sore.

I was hungry today. That doesn't usually happen. I eat plenty. I can only assume the T is affecting me again. Finally.

And I have to wake up in just over 6 hours. So I'm gone.