I have a consult with Dr. Hartley on January 20th. Hopefully I can schedule a surgery date for February. (!)

My work has a flex health savings plan that comes out pre-tax. I can use it at any point throughout the year. I now have $2,400 whenever I need it. To be paid out $100 per check for the whole year.

This is really happening. Before I am 30.

I should probably tell my parents when I schedule a date.

Last month my boyfriend got chest reconstructive surgery from a local surgeon. He's healed up very well and the surgeon is amazing. I'm exceedingly jealous. I used to be unsure whether or not I wanted top surgery. I have always known I despise my chest, but I've been hesitant to want to go under anesthesia and under the knife. And to pay such money for it. And to be out of work and out of action for so long. And then there's the fact that with my pectus excavatum I will never truly have a flat chest.

But now, now that I see the results. Having direct contact with someone who has undergone the procedure and been a part of the recovery, and seen the result, I cannot keep it out of my mind. I want this. More than most things in my life.

I've been keeping a decent savings routine, but I have tended to prioritize other things higher than saving for something so far off. Backpacking supplied. DVDs. Paying more than the minimum for my car loan. Etc. But I want this surgery. And I do hope that someday it will be covered by all insurance plans, but in the meantime, I am going to try to stop spending frivolously. I am going to save as much as possible and if all goes well, I should be able to do it in a year or so. I have about half the money, but I need to make more than half again that much, because I don't want to spend all of my savings in one go. I need a cushion. So at the rate I am saving now, barring any expensive catastrophes, I will have more than enough by next fall. I have decided fall is probably the best time. Probably Novermber. As much as I'd like to have this done before my 30th birthday, a month after shouldn't be so bad. If I have it in November it won't cut into my 14er hiking. It will hurt some snowshoeing time, but by January I'll be healed enough to enjoy that too.

This will happen. I'm putting it out here to keep me accountable.

In other news, I feel like an idiot. Referring to my last post: I went back and reread the comment and realized it wasn't about my trans status at all. And I feel like an idiot.

I guess trans stuff is still on the mind.

Oh well.

I've come to the point in my transition that it's very much in the background. I still inject testosterone every two weeks and wear a binder and packer, but I don't think about being trans all that often. And neither do those around me, I believe. I've come to the point where I'm stealth to new people. Only if I tell them, or add them on facebook (and they read the about me section) will anyone know.

I still help a few guys who are just starting transition, online and in person. I give some occasional advice based on my own experiences. And I dream of (and save up for) chest surgery.

But every now and then I am reminded that I have not always been this way. This comfortable in who I am. This right. This me. And today I was reminded again. My aunt on facebook made a comment about a photo of me. I don't know if she was playing dumb or is really just out of the loop. I don't know if my parents have discussed my transition with anyone in the extended family. I know I haven't. But whether or not she knew my circumstances, my aunt made me feel very odd. I haven't seen her in probably 15 years. And honestly not a whole lot about me has changed since then. Just the beard. I don't remember when she found me on facebook, but my transition is clearly documented there. I would rather people not play dumb. If you're concerned for me, fine. Send me a message. Likewise if you're confused and curious.

I realize much of this is on me for not restricting my facebook, or for allowing her as a friend at all. And I am obviously not stealth or it would bug me even more. And it would be even more my fault for not restricting things.

Anyhow, a bit of a rant about transness. I told my aunt to message me if she wanted to talk further.

4 years ago

what? a new shirt?

So it's been four years since I spread my first packet of testosterone gel onto my skin. Four years of assimilating into a different culture.

It's odd to think about really.


Not much has changed since the first year except beard hairs. I have a feeling this may be the thickest it gets, but I may be wrong.

I feel good. I am getting quite fit. In fact, this morning I ran 4 miles in about 43 minutes. Very likely the longest I've ever run. It wasn't easy, but it also wasn't so bad. So I'm looking forward to running more soon.

I still have reservations about joining the male population. I am not stealth, but I'm also not blatantly out. And sometimes it's just surreal to be in male spaces and listen to the things that go on. I still feel like an outsider, though I may blend perfectly. The truth it, I don't really want to blend in. I don't want the male privileged that's been handed me.

I'm not really sure how to avoid it though without being loudly queer. And I'm just not loud. Too bad everything is automatically binary.

I haven't updated in ages because there's been nothing to report.

Now though, I've just been told to halve my dose. Apparently my levels have been too high for some time, but only now my doctor decided it was worrisome. She says this should help with my persistent acne problem. I just hope it doesn't cause any unfavorable female effects to return.