12 years on Testosterone

I wanted to write about sort of the entirety of my transition on this anniversary. Content warning: surgery and recovery. 

Here is a list of all my important transition related dates: 

4/5/10 started testosterone (transdermal) 

9/21/10 started testosterie injections 

11/29/10 name change court date 

3/30/15 first chest surgery 

3/2/16 second chest surgery 

3/21/22 hysterectomy salpingo-oophorectomy 

In 2015, I got my main chest surgery. It really was crucial to my well-being. I had another surgery that was planned to revise the first one. I am still not entirely happy with my results and I may seek another revision to remove the rest of the breast and fat tissue and to make the nipples look more normal. 

This year I had a "full" hysterectomy. I have been pleasantly surprised with my recovery. I've had no fewer than 4 surgeries in the last two years, but the time in the recovery room for this last one was the worst. I generally don't have a lot of nausea, but I did this time. They also needed to keep me until I urinated, which took some time. Meanwhile, everytime I'd drift off to sleep the blood oxygen alarm would blare and wake me back up. But after peeing the blue dye out and heading home, the recovery has been great! Besides the significant cramping feeling in the recovery room, I've had no pain. In fact, getting an IUD (which I did in 2015) was much more painful for much longer. I've had no need of narcotics, just ibuprofen and acetamenafen alternating for a few days. I did have some pain in my shoulder for a day or two from the gasses they use for the surgery. A heating pad helped immensely.  My eyes were also a bit off for a couple of days. Hard to focus. Likely a side effect of anethesia, but not one I've encountered before. After a week, I have to consitently remind myself that I am still recovering and will be on restrictions for 6 weeks total. 

I admit I was more nervous about this surgery than the others due to the possible (however remote) ill effects it could have on my enjoyment of sexual activity. I will not know the extent of this until after the 6 weeks, but I am not terribly worried at this point.

It proved to be quite hard to find any sort adeqaute information for this surgery as it relates to transgender men (or non-cis AFAB folks). The majority of the information was for and about older women. I saw recovery times ranging from 6-12 weeks (including no sex of any kind!) I am cleared to retrun to work with some restrictions after 2 weeks. Restrictions should be lifted by 6 weeks. There was no ban on external stimulation, only penetration, and of course lifting and other pysical exertion. 

I think the biggest loss from this surgery was my shaved belly hair. Due to my age and duration on testosterone, my head hair has been thinning a whole lot these past few years and I take pride in the other hair I can still successfully grow. It will grow back of course, but it was sort of a surprise how much disphoria can be caused by a smooth abdomen. 

Though my surgeon works through the "Women's Clinic" I did not have any negative conversations about this surgery. Insurance required that I submit 2 (two!) letters from different therapists stating that I was in fact trans and could make this sort of medical decision. That was a bit ridiculous, but worked out in the end. My pre-op nurse did ask if my family knew I was there, getting surgery. I scoffed and said no, but pleny of supportive people knew. 

At this point I just don't want to rock the boat with my parents. I am confident in my identity and what needs to happen to my body. I don't want to risk getting into debates or anything with my parents about these things. It is possible that they'd want to know, just so they can pray for my recovery or whatever, but that's not necessary for me. 

As for effects of 12 years of testosterone: my hair is very thin these days and I have been taking finasteride to try to hang onto it. I'm hoping that on account of my most recent surgery, I'll be able to lower my T dose a bit. It's been on the high end to keep menses away. Perhaps with a lower dose, I'll be able to keep or regain some hair. It's also possible I just need to embrace the fact that I'm a guy of a certain age and give up the fight. 

transition never ends.

Even after six years I can still note some changes. My mustache is finally connecting to my beard. And is generally still just filling in. It's very exciting. I always wanted Aragorn stubble. But I figured it may be out of my reach just due to the denseness. But I'm on my way! Too bad I can never stand my hair being longer than a couple of inches.

Also I realized today that though I'd like to lose some pudge from my middle, I really like the look and feel of my chest in a t-shirt. It's a novel thing. A very right thing. I loved having a flat chest for the first time (since I was 12) when I started binding, but this is better. The contours. I can actually see that I have muscle. I don't have to feel self-conscious about my binder showing through light colors or thin shirts. After the first surgery I stopped binding, but I never felt very comfortable simply because there was still some strange shapes going on. So while the feeling was good, I didn't approve of the look. But I do now. My next step is fitness and a final nipple revision so perhaps I can have this same feeling with a bare chest.

Anyhow, as the title suggests, there is no end to transition. It is always progressing. I am always becoming more me.

4 years ago

what? a new shirt?

So it's been four years since I spread my first packet of testosterone gel onto my skin. Four years of assimilating into a different culture.

It's odd to think about really.


Not much has changed since the first year except beard hairs. I have a feeling this may be the thickest it gets, but I may be wrong.

I feel good. I am getting quite fit. In fact, this morning I ran 4 miles in about 43 minutes. Very likely the longest I've ever run. It wasn't easy, but it also wasn't so bad. So I'm looking forward to running more soon.

I still have reservations about joining the male population. I am not stealth, but I'm also not blatantly out. And sometimes it's just surreal to be in male spaces and listen to the things that go on. I still feel like an outsider, though I may blend perfectly. The truth it, I don't really want to blend in. I don't want the male privileged that's been handed me.

I'm not really sure how to avoid it though without being loudly queer. And I'm just not loud. Too bad everything is automatically binary.

I haven't updated in ages because there's been nothing to report.

Now though, I've just been told to halve my dose. Apparently my levels have been too high for some time, but only now my doctor decided it was worrisome. She says this should help with my persistent acne problem. I just hope it doesn't cause any unfavorable female effects to return.

During my first year on testosterone, I took a picture each day and describe what (if anything) was going on with my transition. And before I was on t, I used to take a lot of self portraits. I don't do it much anymore. I wonder why?

I do know why I don't write about transition much, though. Nothing really changes anymore.

Let me begin by saying that I will never specifically gender police anyone. I believe everyone has the right to call themselves whatever they wish and do whatever they wish. So long as it doesn’t hurt others, of course. And there is where my issue with “trans-trenders” lies. I did not coin the term. Nor do I use it regularly. But yes, I am concerned that these people may be taking some legitimacy out of my own trans experience. My biggest fear, however, is being lumped in with them.

I am still on the fence about top surgery. I have absolutely no intent to undergo genital surgery. I miss being androgynous. I like being a little bit femme on occasion. Do these truths make me less trans than others? Less a man? I surely hope not. Just because I am not crippled by dysphoria when I am naked does not mean that I like what I see. And just because I enjoy vaginal penetration doesn’t mean I am a woman.

People need to be less preoccupied with others. Their journeys are their own. Let everyone live as they will and go on your way.