I haven't got much to say. Hair creeping up my thighs. Stubbly chin. Acne.

My veins are getting a bit intense lately. So much so that one of my buddies always threatens to start IVs on me.

I'm hot all the time. Even in AC. Even when I'm not moving. I know it's summer and all, but I feel that the T has a lot to say about that as well.

I called my dad yesterday to talk about nothing specific and he brought up the name change. He asked how it was going. I told him I was waiting for them. He said they'd discussed it a bit. From telling me to do whatever because they've already named me to using the name they would have used had I been a boy. But my dad couldn't remember that name, said it wasn't close at all to Larz. And he didn't want to bring it up to my mom again. I told him to let me know if he remembered. I think I remember though. I think they would have named me Timothy had I been a born a boy. And so Timothy is in the running for my middle name.

Anyhow, I was pleasantly surprised that my dad brought it up of his own accord. And talked nicely. It made me sort of giddy.

The other thing that makes me giddy is my boyfriend. Still. It's sort of weird to have a boyfriend. Never had one of those before.

3 months

I sort of cannot believe that it's already been 12 weeks. So much has changed, but it's all so gradual that I cannot really quantify it.

Something I noticed this week: my shoulder muscles are huge. I have a shirt I used to wear pretty often, but for some reason haven't much lately. It's always been pretty short and tight, but I wore it the other day and the sleeves were tight on my arms and the hem didn't even reach my belt anymore. I wore it, it was fine, but it certainly fit me differently. And so I got to noticing my trapezoid muscles. They're sort of huge. And with no effort on my part.

My chest seems to be changing a bit. It's hard to explain, but yeah, changing. And of course I'm getting more and more hairy. Really, I don't care about the other hair, I just want sideburns. Haha. I wish I could pick and choose. I have a feeling I'm going to end up a bear. Which just means a lot of maintenance for me. Ah well.

I think I'm caught back up with money so that I can budget out some for the gym. The next part is making myself go regularly. I also need to be saving money. I see travel in my future and it makes me super excited.

My acne has been acting up more lately. Not exactly sure why. But it sucks.

Oh yeah, and I'm still all giddy happy.

I think I need to trim my armpit hair. It's getting a bit ridiculous.

I feel lonely. For a certain person. I guess I never explicitly mentioned that I'm in a relationship now. Doing the long distance thing. Not sure how well that will work out. Hope it will. But in the meantime...

Seems I've been having too much fun to update. I thought I was going to be better about that. It was great though. Hanging out with good friends. Not spending heaps of money. Sharing a bed of awesome instead of sleeping alone cuddling a pillow. All's well.

I haven't been this happy in quite a long time. It's tainted with sadness though. Distances are crap really. Someone needs to invent an instant transport device. Yes.

My arm hair is growing in darker. I can report nothing further regarding transition.

I'm ready for the weekend. It's been a short week because I took Tuesday off, but long because of being tired and antsy. I don't want to be here. And I miss my friends. I really need to work on my budget so I can save money to travel. Internationally and to visit my scattered friends.

I want my affliction to end forever. Hopefully this is the last bout.

I'm happy. Confused a bit, but happy. Happier than I've been in a long time.

This photo was not taken today, rather last Friday. But I love my friends, and I am lazy today.

Hmmm, I don't know what to ramble about today. Feeling oddly happy. I mean, usually I feel rather desolate when everyone leaves after Pride weekend. And I do. But I don't know, it was just a really good time and generally, I feel happy about it. I know that more such times with be had.

Got the latest U2 concert DVD. Surely some of my audience knows I'm a rather avid U2 fan. (Not to be confused with rabid, that was years ago.) But yeah, I had tickets to see them in Denver, but the tour was postponed.

Decided it would be good to take my measurements. I suppose I should have done so pre T, but I've now done it around 3 months and we'll see the change. I won't post them all here, only the arm ones:

right bicep: 12.75"
left bicep: 12.25"
right forearm: 11"
left forearm: 10.25"

I can tell the hormone swing. What with the war and all, I cry fairly easily. Perhaps more easily than before I was on T. I watched Toy Story 3 and cried a little. Read the Father's Day secrets on PostSecret and cried a little. Missed my friends and cried a little. Tried not to miss a specific person and cried a little. I don't know if it's good or bad.

Greatest compliment of the weekend? Gayboy telling me I kissed like a man. Haha. (Yes, there was a lot of spit-swapping among friends. And undergarment swapping as well, oddly enough.)

I sweat more this weekend that I have in my entire life. It was disgusting. One side effect of T that I don't like so much at all.

My voice was cracking a whole lot today. It amuses me, but it's also a little frustrating. I cannot sing along to things anymore.

I've been noticing how long my leg hair is recently. It's really sort of ridiculous. I think I may try the clippers on it at some point soon.

11 Weeks (and one day)

It's been several days. Exciting, exhausting days.

It was the third PrideFest I've been to here in Denver, actually third ever. And it was amazing. Basically, I wish all of my friends lived here instead of spread out across the country. Because seeing such wonderful people for four days once every year is crap. I'm having withdrawals.

We talked trans stuff quite a lot this weekend, one of my friends from out of town being trans as well. We had even packer show and tell (in two different contexts...)

I was out in the sun a lot and got tanned and noticed hair differently. Arm hair that is. It's coming in darker for sure. And I can see it on my upper arms.

And my female parts are trying to kill me today. I don't know why I was never told that menstruation became ten times more painful after T. I really just want it to go away forever.

I've been using the new compounded cream and I think I like it better than the gel for more reasons than just price. It isn't as messy for one. The gel is alcohol based and slimy. The cream is basically like lotion and rubs in quite well. Unlike the gel, I apply the cream to softer skin, like the inside of my upper arms and the inside of my thighs. (I've had several people offer to help on that one.)

So, now I'm back to healthier eating and exercise. And healthier hanging about with friends. No need to be drunk all the time.

blarg, I eat too much junk food. Seriously next week, I'm starting my healthy eating and exercise again. I have more energy when I eat less sugar and processed stuff. And I feel so much better when I use my body regularly in more than just everyday things.

I really need a workout buddy to keep me on task though. I'm not terribly self-motivated.

This weekend is Denver Pridefest. There are a dozen people coming in from all over the States. I will not likely update regularly until Monday or so.

I got my new prescription in the mail today. Ever so happy to be back on T. I don't think I could feel the effects of being off for a week, but in my head I surely could.

I've been taking the past couple of days as chill as possible. Hung out with the boys tonight, but didn't drink. It was really an nice time to just talk and have company without going overboard and spending heaps of money. And I love the waitress at the bar we always hang out at. She is lovely and gives us free things and loves to hear about our transition stuff and is generally awesome.

One more day of work until all my friends come into town for Denver Pride. I'm quite excited. Words cannot really describe exactly how excited. Also, I really need this 6 day respite from work.

10 weeks

Wow, I need to stay in someday. I love my pals, but it gets exhausting.

I surely hope my T comes tomorrow. And I have an appointment with my therapist. I haven't actually seen her since before I started T. The last time I went, She wrote my letter, so it's been awhile. It will be good I think.

wow, haven't been that drunk in a long time. it's nice to be with people who know bartenders, however, it is also very dangerous...

I have no photo.

Tomorrow is 10 weeks. I promised someone a video.

Hopefully I will also get my prescription.

Went to see MGMT at Red Rocks. It rained. Hard. We left early, but not before hearing "Electric Feel". I was drenched. I wrung out all of my clothes, socks, boxers and binder included. Ugh. But it was a good experience to reminisce about in the future, for sure.

At work a coworker asked if I was sick. I think she noticed my voice changing.

I'm ready for the weekend. And the fact that I only work two days next week before partying for five.

My roommate and I, drenched in my car after leaving the concert:

Late because I simply forgot to update.

Nothing new really. Hairy, sweaty, smelly.

I called the pharmacy about my prescription and they apparently never got it on Monday. They got it all worked out now and I'll likely have my new T early next week. Sucks that they didn't get it Monday, I'd have it already for sure...

In a week an a half (after Pride) I'll be going back to a regular exercise routine and better eating habits. I sort of don't think it's worth it to try very hard before then.

another off day. hope something changes soon.

I have quite a few great whiskers, not enough for a beard of any sort though... alas.

I haven't heard from the pharmacy yet about whether they got my prescription. I will call again tomorrow. I need that stuff now if not sooner.

I have been lazy lately. Not running at all. Often because I stay up late, either with friends or thinking too much. I also broke my sugar fast. That is: I bought sweets. And I also got pizza. Ugh. I guess that's what I do when I'm a bit depressed.

Watched Jesus Camp for the first time. Made me think again about how arbitrary truth can be. And made me think a lot about my own past. It's pressing me.

(like so many other things...)

i feel off today. hanging out with friends helps, but i also just feel overwhelmed. and irked at some things. i dont know why i can be okay with it sometimes and completely not at others. i really need to resolve some shit in my life. i just dont know how. i feel like ive done so much. but i need resolution or i will go insane.

9 weeks

I went to the doctor today to talk about my dosages and all of that. Told her I liked the gel, but it’s far too expensive. She said we could switch to injections, but also could go through a compounding pharmacy and get a cream for much cheaper. I opted for that for now. The only problem is that I probably won’t get the cream until next week and I only have a couple doses left of the AndroGel. This means that I will be off T for a few days. Bummer. Hopefully not long enough to cause me any trouble.

I’ve been noticing the veins on my arms more. They stand out. Also, the hair on my arms is a bit thicker and darker. The change is not nearly as noticeable as on my legs though.

My voice is really low today. But my throat is also really sore from who knows what. I guess from my carousing last night.

My doctor asked how the hormones were treating me. Asked about libido even. And I realized that I actually haven’t seen much of a change in that area. I noticed a little bit a few weeks in, but either I’ve become used to that, or it wasn’t really a change. I think my libido has always been pretty high, so perhaps I’m just not noticing a difference. Or perhaps the T is not affecting me in that realm. It doesn’t bother me either way, perhaps it’s good that it isn’t out of control as I am single.

I watched “Soldier’s Girl” today. I need to stop watching depressing trans movies…

I put sunscreen on my fox yesterday, and nowhere else. Whoo!

Late again due to drunken Sunday Funday. I love my town. I love dancing. I love cheap drinks. I love my friends, new and old.

Went to see La Roux live Saturday night. It was a fantastic show! I was right up front. I've never sweat so much in my entire life. It was hot, crowded and I was dancing and two months on T. Sick. I'm also incredibly sore from dancing. But it was all worth it because I was about ten feet from Elly Jackson for an hour and a half. Hott.

In further news, my stomach is quite hairy. I don't mind, just noticed is all.

Headed to the doc today. Still not fully recovered from carousing, hope I can easily switch to injections and soon as I only have a few packets of AndroGel left.

And here is a photo I took yesterday at the People's Fair of my buddy Cody and me.

I tried to wear a necklace I made for myself years ago but haven't worn in months. It is now an uncomfortable choker. Unfortunate. I guess my neck is growing. Muscles?

I am so glad it's the weekend. I only get one day to sleep in though, because I have my doctor's appointment on Monday. I get to see how easily I can switch to injections.

I ran three mornings this week and swam one day. I feel pretty good about that, but I still need to work on eating more healthfully and not as much. I get home from work and sort of gorge myself. I also get a lot of calories through drinking too much, which I am trying to ease off as well. Too bad drinking is what everyone does together. We need to find some free fun.

I shaved today. Perhaps one day I won't and let my six hairs group into a fabulous mustache and patchy beard.

I have a problem with my weight. Mostly because I cannot actually gauge it now. I'm gaining muscle mass very quickly and I cannot tell how much or even if I'm burning any fat. So it's a bit strange. I'm sure I'll make it though.

I rather hate acne. It's a bit painful on my back.

I sweat a whole lot. And smell. It's sort of gross. I hate summer.

Found some whiskers. That's amusing.

Watched Prince of Persia. I love how many elements they took from the video game. It was pretty fantastic. Not quite enough shirtlessness on Jake's part though...


Since I've been at my job (almost) a year, I got new shirts. This one is super bright.

Arg, my emotion swings are killing me.

One week I'm super depressed and lonely and sorry for myself. The next I'm partying it up all the time with my pals and feeling really positive.

And now, I feel empty. Blank. Lacking. I feel sick, but I don't think it's my body. I couldn't muster strength to go anywhere or do anything. I am exhausted, and yet, I cannot sleep. I slept a few hours last night in the company of a friend. Then, after waking early and trying to rally for work (and failing), I went back to bed and could not sleep. At all. For hours. My mind was racing, thinking all of these irrational thoughts. Rehashing things I'd vowed to leave behind. Remembering a past I no longer have and am nostalgic for. I felt like crying, but the T has taken even that from me. So I wrote, and searched for more music. And read about Taoism. And then I went for a swim. But I am still melancholy. I needs to pass. I want the high again. The energy.

I need to not drink for awhile. That will likely help. It messes with my head a bit too much. And my wallet. Oops.

I finally tried out the pool in my complex because there was no one there. It's pretty great, really small, but the one end is plenty deep. It's also heated. My swim binder isn't the greatest, but it works well enough. It doesn't bind as much as I'd hope and the bottom sort of rolls up over my love handles, but it is comfortable enough and dries nicely. Not a loss.

(late again, I feel illish)


Okay, I feel that some changes have been happening that I haven't described in full.

My leg hair is fantastic. It's coming in much thicker and darker than ever before, and slightly curly. My arm hair is a bit more visible in more places, but not as dramatic as the legs. I am getting visible hair on my stomach and a few other places, but not a lot. My facial hair is not much different. Slightly darker and thicker on my lip, but not enough to not shave it.

My acne is not as bad as I had sort of expected. Which I am glad about. That said, It is there, and different that previously. I get it mostly under the skin along my jaw line. I'm not sure if shaving helps or adds to it. On my back, it's sort of intense, but really not that much worse than previously.

I have certainly noticed muscle tone everywhere. My legs are strangely shaped. I am pretty proud of my arms.

The hunger has certainly tapered off. I don't know if I've just been eating more anyway and not getting hungry, or if I've just gotten used to the metabolism change. I do need to temper my eating, especially of non-healthful things. And I need to work out more. Seems I've been going out far too much recently to want to get up and run. Perhaps I need to run in the evenings instead. Or swim. I need to get over my reluctance.

My voice has changed. I don't know that I can tell specifically, but it does seem to be true. It feels rough fairly often. To the point where I cannot tell if it's from being sick or not.

I cannot really think of any other changes. Feel free to point them out, or ask about them.