Yesterday I was read as a gay boy by a volunteer at work. He asked if I go clubbing and said he hadn't seen me at JRs or Tracks or wherever else.

I've been hanging out with some great new friends. It's really cool to be able to have some fresh people to share with.

I've been a bit down lately. For many reasons, but I wonder how much the T is affecting my emotions.

My throat hurts a lot, and my voice is husky. Again, not sure if it's the T, because I've been trying to get over being sick for over a week.

So wow. Just had a real conversation with my parents. Asked them if they wanted to be a part of the name change. Told them I was on hormones.

I didn't cry. I didn't get angry (too much). I told them how things were going to be and let them talk at me. My dad was pretty amazing. My mom kept telling me that I was a little girl and had little girl thoughts and I cannot change that.

My dad admitted that they would have to go through a mourning period for the person they knew me as. And I told him I understood.

I told them I wanted to change my name within a few months, once the T has had visible effect. My mom said she liked my name. I was named after a great-grandmother. I said I understood. And if they wanted to choose other family names, I'd be happy with their choices.

My dad kept wondering about the T, saying that I could stop menstruating and get a more male body by becoming a bodybuilder. Made me laugh inside. I assured them that there was more to it than just that. My mom mentioned the risks of cancers and the like even under doctor's supervision. I said I was willing to take the risks.

My mom asked why I wanted them to be a part of my life even though I know they don't agree. I said that they were important to me because they were my parents. But I will do what I need to do even if it means losing them.

My mom kept saying that I was her daughter in such a way that I was supposed to say it back. I wouldn't. I said I was her kid.

Dad called me a "person" in one sentence instead of gendering me.

Mom mentioned that I may not be able to have contact with my nephew. Which is a blow to be sure, but I told them again, that this is my decision and I'm not willing to let other people dictate my life anymore.

Mom said college ruined me, well, changed me. I countered with the fact that college changes most high schoolers.

My mom inquired about the credentials of my doctor, finding it outlandish that anyone would prescribe hormones to a girl.

She informed me that they were actively involved with Focus on the Family, which I knew, and asked how 'militant' I am. I said I'm a pacifist. I believe in equal rights, but you won't find me rioting or anything extreme.

I told them I was going to be completely honest from here on out. Because I haven't been previously. When asked when/how this all started, I said my senior year is when I realized things because I realized I wasn't straight. Then I told them I'd been in a relationship with a woman.

Dad asked if I was bisexual. I said simply, yes, though I tried to explain that that affirms a binary I don't want to be a part of.

They wondered what they were supposed to tell family and friends that ask after me. I said I was out, and fine with the truth. I said I didn't want to me misrepresented, but it was up to them what to divulge.

Mom kept saying that I'm not a man. And I agreed with her, telling her I still identify in the middle, but in the binary society, I have to pick one.

Mom reminded me that I once wanted to get married to a man and have a lot of kids. I asked her "who says I don't still want to marry a man?". Though I was firm that I didn't want kids.

Dad said that no one should make decisions that are irreversible. He said that at one point in his life he didn't want to have kids (and mentioned that he sort of wishes he hadn't), but that obviously changed and he's glad he didn't have a vasectomy.

I'm all worked up. I was shaking. But I think I'm okay. I think it went just as well as could be hoped.

Now I get to go get trashed because the pressure building up to that phone call was making me sick. (among other things.)

bored of my mug yet?

sort of having a crisis in my head. I don't want to post. I'll be back later...

I'm really tired. I wonder if it has to do with running this morning after a week off. Or perhaps being on my feet all day. Being busy at work all day long. Whew. Mondays. (I know it's actually Tuesday, but it's my work Monday.)

I was told that my arms look bigger. That's neat. I mean, I've been pretty consistent with my exercises and all. It's cool that changes can be noticed by others.

I need to learn self-control. I cannot stay away from food. Especially sweet stuff. It hurts me. I need to learn to eat only when I am hungry, or at least at regular intervals and never in between. But I crack. I go buy junk food. I talk myself into visiting the vending machine. I eat everything in my house. It's got to stop but I don't know how.

3 Weeks

It's really cool to know that there are actual changes occurring. I know I'm gaining more muscle and getting stronger, without a huge amount of effort at that. I believe I'm getting vaguely more hairy. I've got the 'down there' growth coming on as well as sensitivity. When I eat meat, I can actually feel my body putting it to use. It's really odd, but really neat. I think my voice is deepening a bit, though I have been sick all week and that's likely a factor. I also notice the acne. It's not terrible and I hope it stays that way, but I guess I'm prepared for it to get worse.

I'm over halfway done with this box of AndroGel, so when it's nearly done, I'll call up my doctor and ask about injections. I want to switch because of the cost mostly, but only if I'm able to do smaller doses with only a short time between them. I do not want to be on a two week schedule for sure. Probably a week between would be the most. I don't really care so much about the dose, as I don't mind doing this pretty gradually, but I don't want the fluctuations between the doses. I know of people who basically PMS as the dose wears off, and there's a few days before the next injection that are hellish. I don't want that.

Still need to call my parents about the name change (and the T). I just haven't been in the right space lately. I'm considering calling tonight. Hopefully I can keep myself together no matter what the response is on that end.

I need a tripod. Badly.

I realized that my posts showed the time when I first began the draft. It made it vaguely confusing. It tripped me out for a good half hour. As I rechecked the dates I took the photos and thought I was trapped in some weird time dimension. I have now rectified this issue.

Moving onward:

Favorite sentiment regarding bottom surgery: "Maybe when I'm 50 and bored with what I have now."

I was told I pass. A whole lot. That's always good to hear. I don't generally feel that I don't. I just am me and do whatever I like.

It's malaria awareness day.

Got to hang out with some really cool new friends. Went some places I've never been. It was fun times for sure. I like to broaden my friend base. I also like to experience new things.

Also, I really hate my bike right now. It got me halfway across town then developed a flat. I'm going to have to drive to pick it up. Grr.

Um... Trans stuff... I think I'm breaking out more. I think my patience is slightly thinner. I've always been fairly composed and at least outwardly patient. I can talk myself into be patient. But lately, I just don't want to be patient. I want things without waiting. Waiting gets on my nerves. Indecision frustrates me. So that's fun.

I've been noticing that I'm a bit stronger. I can carry things of weight a bit easier than some weeks ago. That's cool.

Had a great exercise last night. Since I didn't run, I had to find other ways of raising my heartrate. So I 'boxed' with my puny weights until I couldn't lift my arms. Whew. And I sweat a lot more than I think I normally would. And I lasted heaps longer than ever before. Good to know that the T really is changing things, even though I cannot really see it.

I'm tired of taking photos of myself. I'm boring.

Look! It's AndroGel!

I've been breaking in a new binder. It's pretty killer. I know it will be great soon, but for now, ouch. I've been wearing the old one to work this week. Generally I wear a compression shirt instead of an actual binder. The binder binds much better, but it is also a bit more constricting of movement. So it takes a bit of getting used to.

I feel better today after sleeping for four hours during the day yesterday. It was astounding to sleep. Also went to see Jonsi live. He's the lead of Sigur Ros. The show was fantastic. No words can really describe it. One of the songs and it's accompanying animation actually brought tears to my eyes and gave me chills.

Today I would have gone for a run upon returning home from work, but it's raining and I'm not that badass. Hopefully tomorrow morning I can start again. In the meantime, pushups and situps and the like.

Also: going on a sugar fast. For real. Keep me to it.

I need a workout buddy. But not an intimidating one.

I also need to not be sick anymore. I think I might have killed it off by coming home from work and sleeping for four hours under the influence of NyQuil. Made me have horrible dreams though.

Plus side of sickness: my voice is hella deep. Maybe it will stay this way.

Jonsi concert tonight. I am stoked.

Certainly feeling a bit oilier. Yuck. Got it mostly under control though. I really wish I could pick which aspects of T I could assimilate. I sort of don't want to be obnoxiously hairy like the rest of the guys in my family. I want the voice change. I want some facial hair. I want the body shape and musculature. But yeah, the hair, the smell, eh...

I know I cannot pick and choose. It's just one of those things.

I've been feeling sort of down lately. I think I just feel a bit isolated because I don't really know anyone else going through this. I mean, not closely. I've also been really hating my body. I don't get 'traditional' dysphoria. That is, I don't always feel as though something is wrong with my body being female. I've simply been hating the curves I have. I really need to be working out, running every day. But sometimes, the hatred is so overpowering that I don't want to run. I don't want to do anything but eat and sleep. I need to have better eating habits. I need to have better exercise habits. Guh.

I got a swim binder from underworks. I like the way it binds, but it certainly shows my love handles or whatever...

2 Weeks

Bacne.

I want to talk to my doc about the dose.

I need to call my parents about name change.

I want to sleep forever.

I've been sweaty and stinky more lately, but I think that can be attributed more to the change of seasons than T really. Though perhaps a bit of both.

It's odd, I want(ed?) to go slow with this whole process. To really asses how everything was going and how I feel at every step. But right now, two weeks in, I really just want to see some changes! I'm about ready to call up my doc and ask how much gel I can use per day before it becomes too much. Because I know that she (on my request) has me on a very low dose. I've also had thoughts of switching to injections, mostly because it's a hella lot cheaper, but also because it seems more tangible to me.

I know I just need to be patient. This is the way I want it. And for now, this is the way it's going to be.

For awhile, when I was thinking about transition, I kept thinking that getting on T was the goal. Once that was achieved, I could do anything, my life would be my own. Luckily, long before I actually began, I realized that T would not solve all of my problems. It would help in some areas, but it may cause trouble in others. And it really is true. I do feel more me. I do feel closer to my goals and dreams. But I know that it is going to be a struggle, especially with the parents.

Today I watched several transition videos that included guys playing shirtless in the rain, or at least telling the camera about it after the fact. That is really the only time I feel the desire for chest surgery. To be able to be that free. To pass on that level. To feel the elements on so much more of my body. There are many things that deter me from that though. Money, scars, loss of sensation, surgery in general, recovery time. I'm not that into it. Perhaps sometime, some years from now, surgeons will perfect the method a bit. They will be able to retain sensation in all areas and somehow cause less scarring. That's my dream anyhow. I'll wait until then.

In the meantime, I'll just continue with the possibly detrimental binding.

Either my voice is starting to change or I'm getting sick. I really hope I'm not sick. I mean, I've been sleeping well, eating well, not drinking too much, not making out with randoms (or anyone). So yeah...

Some very slight, ahem, personal growth. Not that I take a ruler to it or anything.

Trying to find a good time to call the parents for a talk about T and name change... rather, not a good time, but the nerve.

Weekend. So excited to sleep in. And go shopping for sunglasses. I've enlisted a friend to help me in that endeavor, as I have no sense of sunglasses style.

My tattoos really need touching up. Wonder when I'll find the time/money to do that...

How does Larz identity sexually?

People wonder this, so I shall address it.

I'm queer.

Okay, so I guess it's not that simple. I am most attracted to other genderqueer/trans people. And generally people who fit in the LGBTQ(etc) community. I am more attracted to masculinity, but also more attracted to female bodies. So therefore, I suppose I could be considered homosexual. I'm attracted to people like me. hahah. Only very rarely am I attracted to straight people. And I guess that's probably good, because they'd likely not share an attraction.

I've been trying to convince people that my aspiration is to be a glam boy. But people laugh. They don't see the fairy in me. I've realized that's because they're seeing me as a masculine woman. People who see me as male, see me as a gay boy. I guess it's okay that people see me both ways. Cos I like it both ways ;) I guess it just means that I never pass as straight. And that's definitely the way I like it.

Figured I'd breakdown the basic expenses a transguy faces.

binder- for the purpose of hiding one's chest: I have several. I use both T-Kingdom and Underworks. I like them both. But Underworks is much more affordable.

soft packer- for the purpose of creating the bulge: again, I have more than one. Not expensive, but they do wear out over time.

STP (stand-to-pee)- I use a modified medicine spoon. It was very cheep indeed. However, I also purchased an STP packer. It was not really worth the cost.

Strap-on- for the purpose of intercourse. I've no experience in this area.

Therapist- for the purpose of getting a letter for the the following. I actually enjoy therapy and I didn't just go so that I could get the official diagnosis to proceed with medical transition. However, I did get that letter written. And I have also not ditched my therapist.

Physician- for the purpose of getting a prescription. I've yet to find out if my health insurance pays for my doctor visits and blood-work.

Testosterone- for the purpose of making one hormonally male. I use AndroGel. I rub it onto my upper arms once daily. Many other guys opt for the injection because it is much (much) cheaper. My insurance fails me in this regard.

Top Surgery- negates the need for a binder. I do not at this time wish to have a double mastectomy, though I do wish I had a flat chest.

Bottom Surgery- yeah... I don't want this. Some do.

I'm sure there are things I'm missing. But I cannot think of them. There are also just the basic things like personal care items and clothing and the like.

Today I ate too much and never got hungry. I also neglected to go for a run. I also feel like a lazy slob. I don't know where my motivation went.

I think I need to call my parents and talk about the name change. I think I need to get that moving along. I get odd looks when I'm carded. I haven't been challenged, but the looks are enough...

I was told I have to cover my tattoos for work. This is how it will look.

I think I'm noticing my body hair coming in a bit thicker/longer. Could be my imagination.

Here's something I wrote awhile back. A description of myself.


"I’ve never been the typical girl, I was always a tomboy. I never had Barbies, only GI Joes. All of my favorite stuffed animals were male. All of my imaginative alter egos were male. When I was very young, four perhaps, I was Fluffy-baby-boy-lion. And I would tell everyone that, the whole phrase, as I crawled around on the carpet and roared. When I was in first grade (perhaps younger) I was John. My friend and I would play for hours that we were a couple of lost boys roughing it in the woods. It was amazing. She grew out of it. I never did. When I began writing, all of my protagonists were male. Usually around my age. Usually journeying to far away lands (but that a different story). I always chose a male avatar when playing video games. As I said, I never really grew out of it, yet I did scale back. I tried to introduce female characters into my stories (failing usually).

I never really let any of these things truly enter into my conscious thought. I was a good Christian girl. I kept telling myself I was happy being strange. Being single. Being me. I wore what I wanted (generally guy’s clothes). I cut my hair how I wanted it (generally short). Very few people questioned me. But I do recall finding it terribly amusing and even a bit exciting when people would mistake me for a guy.

I made it almost all the way through university before making a very important realization about myself. I am not straight. It was a very rough time. I didn’t know how to rectify all of what I’d been taught throughout the years to what I was learning about myself. I joined an online queer community and basically educated myself on all things LGBTQ. This is where I learned the term ‘genderqueer.’ It was almost a year after my initial queer self-realization that I began to identify as genderqeer. I realized that it really fit my situation. I wasn’t particularly unhappy with my body (most of the time), but I knew that I did not fit the typical female model. With this new label I also began to bind my chest. This made me feel much more masculine and somehow right. I began to pass as male quite often in public. In the year since then, I’ve embraced my gender and sexual identities. I have even progressed slightly more toward transgender. I have recently asked friends and coworkers to refer to me with male pronouns. So far it has been very invigorating. It makes me smile to hear myself referred to as ‘he’. The feeling is unexplainable.

There was also the nickname I ended up with. In truth, my dad was the first to really call me Larz, but in high school several of my friends used it and when I went to university, I introduced myself to everyone as Larz. At this time, only my mom still uses my given name. I am considering legally changing my name to Larz."

So yeah, and I am going to change my name. Legally. To Larz. I think I'll use my mom's last name as my middle name. Larz Drake Yerian. Good, no?

I am sad that the ftm/genderqueer community is so small and hard to find. I need more buddies.

My legs hurt a lot on my run this morning. Not sure what to attribute that too. They usually get tired, and later sore, but they actually hurt during the run. Hrmmm.

Hooray webcam photos because I'm too lazy to find my camera...

Strange money related thoughts today. I realized that I'm seriously postponing any international travel buy beginning hormones. One because of the money and also because it will be quite a process to change all my documents. I could be saving at least have the cost of testosterone by opting for injections, but I really think transdermal is the best option for me. Yes it is costly, but as I stated before, it's more consistent. But the money issue bugs me for several reasons. Again, I feel very selfish. Spending all this for me. Only me. I've made it very clear that this is my thing, no one is to blame or whatever. This is my choice and my responsibility. And now I have to be responsible for that choice. I have to realize that not only can I not travel as my heart desires, but I am not able to help anyone in any way anymore. I've become used to being the person that helps friends out. I like to be that person. I like to be able to have extra to share. I like to donate to good causes. But I can't really do that. Not only can I not really help others, but I have to cut down on things for me as well. Travel for instance.

The other issue that postpones travel for some time is the documentation. I will need to change my name and gender marker and pay for all of that paperwork. This means paying for newspaper ads, court fees, fingerprinting and whatever doctor stuff that has to do with gender marker. I may have to be on hormones for over a year before I can get a doctor to agree that I'm male. The law in Colorado regarding gender marker is that a doctor deems you whatever gender. Which can be hormonally, if my doctor agrees. I won't actually have to have any surgery at all. However, it's the time that will decided.

I simply don't think it will be a good idea to travel without that change. Mostly because I don't want to be detained for any reason. That sort of confusion and explanation is not something I relish.

I just want to be me. I'm doing it the best way I know. But it's not easy. Not at all. Sometimes I wonder if I'm making the right choice. I know I am. I feel right. I feel like I'm finding myself more, but I still feel so selfish. I hate doubting myself.

In other news, I got a nice farmer's tan at the park yesterday:

Some fun times. Reunited with some friends I don't see very often. Hung out with an out-of-towner transguy. Luxuriated in the sun in the park. Drank sort of too much. Watched some fire spinning.

As for trans issues, my hunger is certainly insistent. I'm not used to being hungry. Usually I just eat pretty consistently and it's always been sort of a goal to eat when I'm hungry, but I usually never reach that point. But the T is certainly speeding up my metabolism so I actually get hungry. And when I say insistent, that's exactly what it is. I must eat. I feel as though I can do nothing else. It cannot be ignored.

Also, I seem to be getting the acne piece, bummer. Hopefully I can keep that managed.

Still waiting to hear back from my dad since I told him I was starting hormones and wanted to change my name. Hopefully he and my mom will understand that this is my life, my choices. Hopefully they will see that instead of shutting them out as I have for several years (or most of my life), I'm trying to include them in some way. Not in my decision-making, but just by informing them, dialoguing and asking if they want to be a part of the name change.

I know it's hard for them. Their perception of me has changed. They grieve the loss of the daughter they thought they had. I know they still love me as their child. I'm content in that. Perhaps someday they'll accept me for who I really am as opposed to how they want me to be.

yep. Hunger. wowo. That's about it. So glad for the weekend.

Appetite certainly increasing. Also had a headache all day long. Not sure why, I rarely get headaches for very long. Usually it's because of chocolate, lack of sleep or not enough water. But I stayed in last night, haven't had much chocolate (way more the days previous) and I drank almost twice the amount of water I usually do. I suppose it could have had something to do with working in dogs today. They aren't quiet.

I love my muscles being sore. I've been doing heaps of push-ups.

That's it, really.

So today I felt hungry. I think that's the T kicking in, sparking my metabolism. Now if I can keep my consumption about the same, I think it'll do me good. Haven't been able to run the past two mornings. The first because of snow and today because it was a late night. Hopefully I'll get back to it tomorrow.

I have been conversing with my dad via email. It's been pretty good, though sporadic. I did, however, write to him today explaining that I'm undergoing hormone replacement therapy. I sort of wanted to call the parents and tell them, after I'd been on it for awhile. But I'm a fan of the truth and I hate hiding. And I've been fostering that rapport with my dad, so I went for it. We'll see what he has to say.

I also brought up the topic of legal name change. I want them to be a part of it if they want. Either give me the blessing to use my mother's last name (Drake) as my middle name, or come up with one of their own choosing. They may not want to have any part of it, in which case, I'll probably use Drake anyway because it is technically my second middle name currently.

So yeah.

Some people insist on 'she'ing me. I am not bold enough to correct them at the time, but I really do wonder what femininity can be found? I guess if they still do it when I start getting a beard, it will no longer be my problem. They will just all look like lunatics. haha.

I also successfully confused a gay boy last night. His lesbian friends kept telling him I was a dyke. I said they were wrong. It was amusing. The end.

late, I know

So, again, nothing new and exciting. Just my body fighting itself by being all female... Guys shouldn't bleed there...

Made a brief video last night, stole a still from it for my photo of the day. Maybe someday, I won't wear the same undershirt.

All right, so the first 24 hours on T was uneventful. I cannot say I felt any different at all. Which I'm sure is normal. I went for a run, got sleeted on. Went to work. Tried to stay busy. Went to my FtM support group. Then came home for dose two. I'm using AndroGel as opposed to injectable testosterone. I feel that it's more consistent. One must wait several weeks between shots, but with the gel is applied daily. Therefore, no hormonal mood swings. Well, less so anyway.

A lot of things have been going through my head in the past week. I've questioned my choices. I mean, it's a huge decision. It's a huge, irreversible change. And for someone who will never actually identify as 'male', it's sort of a big deal. I mean, I'm making male my default, because, alas, in this society, gender is binary. But I will never be fully 'stealth'. That is, I will never deny my trans status. I will more readily identify as a transman than a man. I know that 'man' just doesn't quite fit. However, I'm damn sure that 'woman' doesn't, and never has, and never will.

I know from my exhaustive research what changes will occur. I'll sweat more, and also get a new aroma. My metabolism will increase, causing me to be hungrier. I will get hairier (alas the facial aspect will likely be last). My muscles will begin to get denser and it will be easier for me to build them. Fat ratios will shift around to more masculine shape. My voice will get deepen (after cracking embarrassingly, of course.) I will very likely get acne. Ultimately, menstruation will cease. Oh, and the clitoris increases in size as does libido. So I guess it's unfortunate that I'm single. Haha. Basically, I will turn into a 14 year old boy. It's puberty. At 24. Whee!

T: Day 1

I decided now would be the prefect time to begin a transition blog. I've been posting videos on youtube for some time now, but today I got my first dose of trans-dermal testosterone.

This blog will be a commentary on my transition. I will likely write something every day. Some days it may not have much to do with my transition, but it will be a sounding board for my life.

As for today, I'm elated. I was terribly nervous, or "trangsty" as my buddies say. But now that I have the androgel on my person, I feel only ebullient. There is a sense of underlying calm through the adrenaline though. This is right. I can feel it.

Yes, it's going to cost me about $300 a month to keep this up. No, I don't actually have a problem with that.

I am considering doing the 365 days self-portrait project and now might be a great time to begin. I'm not sure I can keep at it consistently though. We'll see. For now, day 1 of T: