sideburns.

T levels are still too high the doc says. So I have to decrease the amount again. This will probably make me go back to having fluctuations within the time between shots. Bummer.

I just went in for a new passport today. It was easy and painless except for the wait at the post office and the $150. Now just to wait 4-6 weeks. Then save up to go abroad.

The process for name and gender change on the passport is quite simple. Official name change paperwork and a letter (in a certain form) from the doctor.

This month is a three paycheck month. And I'll be getting my W-2 and filing taxes, so I should get a couple hundred back from that also. And so I'm going to go ahead and get my passport all squared away. And save so I can travel. Soon. Hopefully.

I've been thinking about chest surgery more and more lately. Disphoria is strange with me. I don't generally have it. Except if I'm wearing a shirt but not a binder. I hate the way that looks/feels. Completely naked, I'm pretty okay with my body. And while I don't like having to wear a binder, I've become very used to it and it's not an issue.

I've been seeing that a lot of guys (trans and cis) do have concave chests of various depths, so I guess it wouldn't be so very weird.

I just need money I guess.

I shaved. It was weird to see my facial hair without the aid of a mirror. And I felt that for the holiday, wherever I end up, I should look presentable.

I think it may have been good for my acne to not shave for so long. The stubble prevented me from picking at my face as constantly as usual.

three weeks without shaving. sort of gross and pitiful.

I took a bad phone photo of my two weeks of no shaving. Forgot to take a good one, and forgot to post this Monday.

I feel entitled to these sparse hairs sprouting from my chin. They are an affirmation, a confirmation of transformation. I realize that no-shave November is more of a college thing, but I was unable to fully participate back then. And last year it was unbearably pitiful, having only been on testosterone for six months prior. It is still a bit comical, to be sure, and I don't know that I'll last the whole month, but I do have dark hairs in every place a beard and mustache should be. But they are sparse and I previously mentioned, showing mostly just a shadow and not full Aragorn-stubble which is my goal.

I'm going to attempt no-shave November. I've just shaved and we'll see how far I get before my uneven stubble annoys me too much. Or I go see my family for Thanksgiving...

I'm not abandoning this, but I am going to shift focus to my writing blog at least for the month of November.

www.agentrusco.blogspot.com

(I'd link it, but blogger keeps breaking.)

I'm a bit of a baby. Never had uti before, so I went to urgent care to take care of it. I don't like bleeding from down there. Not one bit. Anyhow, I was nervous to go to not-my-doctor, but the nurse was fantastic. For gender on the form I put ftm because it's medical and that's the most true. So he had to double check for insurance and I told him I'm still female on that. He was really cool and professional the whole time. It really wasn't an issue at all. This is how it should be. Always. Especially when the thing someone comes in for has nothing to do with gender or even sex. So that was cool. Not looking forward to the bill I'm going to get from my insurance though, because I have a high deductible, so I have to pay for it all eventually.

Being ill really sucks. I couldn't make it though work today, and I cannot afford to miss more, so this antibiotic had better kick in soon.

I am going to work on getting my passport updated and renewed. It's quite the process. I need a letter, a very specific letter from my doctor stating that I'm medically male. She doesn't have to disclose anything at all, just state that. I have to fill out the renewal form. Get a photo. Bring my name change paperwork. Supply my old passport. Pay $110 and wait for a couple of months. It's the money that's the biggest issue. Hopefully I can call my doctor's office and get her to write the letter and get things rolling by next month.

I need to get out of the country as soon as I have some money. Now that my car is payed off, I can save again and it's slowly building back up.

Also, I love Autumn. I wish this weather was year-round. I love wearing a jacket in the morning and evening, and shirt-sleeves in the middle of the day. I love the chilly breezes and the crisp air. I love the smell of the trees and the color of the leaves. And the crunchiness too.

Where can I move that is always Autumn?

I just had a thought. It's been over a year since I've menstruated. It was something that was so constant in my life for over 10 years. And now, only occasional cramps remind me that I've don't miss it one bit.

Since I had to wait for 2 weeks for my shot, my mood has been a bit funky. Something very off emotionally. Working it out though. Thinking I should perhaps see my therapist again soon.

I did my shot yesterday, 1.25 cc. Hopefully that will lower m y levels back to a normal range and keep me from flutuating so much.

I'm enjoying my steadily building strength. I can now do 8 chin-ups in a row and 3 pull-ups behind my head. I can carry two 50lb bags of litter with ease. It's fantastic. Now just to do some cardio and watch my eating so I can get rid of this gut.

My doctor's office told me that my T levels are too high. So I have to go back to injections every two weeks. It's a slightly higher dose than before, so I shouldn't have the fluctuation effects, but it should lower the levels. Hope it works.

Shot today. Left leg. Messed up the first one. Had to stab twice. I don't know what's up with that. I don't like it.

I updated my youtube.

I did much better with my shot this time. Just didn't allow myself to overthink it. I've been having the problem of overthinking a lot of things lately. I used to do it all the time pre-T and it's sort of resurfacing now. All will be well though, I'm sure.

I guess it's been a long time since last I updated. I went on a nice long camping/road trip with my boyfriend over the holiday weekend. It was more than fantastic. I didn't shave for almost two weeks. It got a bit gross actually. And my acne has been acting up. I don't know if it's due to candy consumption or something else.

I've been having increasing difficulty giving myself my shot. It's strange. When I first began, it was no big deal. I would hesitate for a few seconds then jab myself. Now I wait and sweat for a few minutes. It's annoying. I don't know why, but I seem to be steadily gaining a fear of needles or something.

There are some new people at work which is a very good thing. However, one (rather annoying one) asked me if I was legal. I assured her that I was several years older than her. But it irked me. I don't know which age she thought I hadn't reached yet, 18 or 21, but regardless, I'm tired of not looking my age.

Someday.

It's interesting to see how much I've grown in the past year or so. I got a shirt at Pride last June, it was a free one, thrown into the crowd from the parade. It's a medium and was too big for me. Well, now it's almost too small. It actually fits quite well now. It's a bit short, showing a lot of stomach (hair) when I raise my arms. And many of my favorite t-shirts are now too small. I grew out of the button ups quite early on, them not being stretchable and all, but now I cannot fit into many of my small Ts. You can see my binder through them and the bulge of flab where my chest is moves toward my armpits. It's unfortunate. I wonder how my long sleeved ones will fit this winter?

Hiked Bierstadt, and 14,000 foot peak. The first 14er I've made it to the top of, and I've attempted four others. It was quite amazing what my testosterone infused body can do. Sure, I was out of breath in the altitude, but the climb itself was not very hard at all. And it didn't wipe me out completely like big hikes usually do. A very good day.

Injection, left leg. For some reason it was really hard this time. I balked for a good 5 minutes. Strange how that happens.

I need to make an appointment for sometime in the next month or so. I need to make sure it's right in the middle of my injection cycle so all the levels can be properly checked.

I haven't posted in some time. Nothing much to report. I wasn't late on my last shot. I need a new vial. I've been eating salads regularly. They make me feel a bit more healthy even if I put cheese and ranch dressing on them.

Shot (a day late again). Left leg.

I went ten days without shaving.

No car today. No seeing Dad, and no shave. Hopefully he'll be able to come up on Wednesday and make the exchange.

It is so very hot. I want Autumn.